BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Still don't want any, now wife does!!

39 year old Male, been happily married for 10 years, together for 14. Wife is 35

When my wife and I broached the subject before we got married, we both agreed that we didn't want kids but were open to the idea in the distant future. I kept waiting for lightning to strike but about 2-3 years ago, I realized that I was growing more sure that I didn't want them.

Now after 10 years of marriage our lovable dog (like our child, 12 years old) is close to dying and all of my wife's friends are having kids. She beams when she returns from the baby showers "see how much attention they are getting" she says!! I was surprised to hear her say that her "clock" was ticking the other day.

I am an airline pilot, so we get free "standby" travel to anywhere. We VERY MUCH enjoy visiting different parts of the world. It is my most enjoyable activity. This part of our lives would END!

I am a believer that it is sometimes MORE selfish to have kids than not to. If you just want one 'cause you "just want one" and are not willing to put forth the effort I believe is required to raise a child properly, you are selfish and contribute to the growing misbehaved child population. The shiney new puppy syndrome will wear off and I don't want to resent but love my kid.

To those of you who struggled with this how did you resolve it? Are there marriage counselors who specialize in this area? I feel like my wife truly doesn't understand how this would affect our lives

Pleas advise

Dr. Phil says it takes 2 "yeses" and only 1 "no" to decide whether to have a child. He had a great show on the topic sometime last season. If you are the "no" then that's that he says. I would go to counseling if I were you and soon! I am sure there are counselors who specialize in all types of marital issues, this is just another one of them.
I do hate to say it, but this happened to my friend's sister. She decided she wanted kids after she and her husband had been married about as long as you are. They wound up getting divorced and now both are re-married and happy. she has kids with the new husband and he doesn't with his new wife.
Whatever happens for you I wish you the best of luck.

The thing that disturbs me is you wife's comment
That is NOT a good and solid reason to have children! Go get a job as a singer or something else on stage - that'll get you attention!

Seriously, it sounds as if your wife is not suffering from her biological clock ticking as much as from jealousy. She's all excited after returning from baby showers , women that are truly wanting babies (in my experience at least) go ga-ga (sorry for the pun) over just seeing babies ! After the birth of my last child, which came very close to ending my life, I was told I could not have anymore children. Even though i already had three, and would not have had anymore, anyway, i still mourned heavily and went through "baby withdrawal". It made my stomach bunch up in little knots and my chest hurt to see tiny babies that I knew I could never again have. (My apologies to those that are infertile, I know my pain deos not compare.)

Women that feel their "clock ticking" usually feel something like that, little butterflies in their stomachs or excited when they see babies. They want to hold babies, they want to rock them; they DON'T just want to have a shower!

Throw your wife a surprise birthday party and see if that takes care of her itch.

No, my wife is not Gaa-Gaa over babies. We DO see 4-6 year olds and think they are cute, but not babies.

I have suggested that we babysit a toddler but my wife stated " I like my dog but I don't like other peoples dogs" a valid and very true point, but if you want a baby, I would think there would be an inkling of motherhood in you.

My wife has also stated that she doesn't want to be alone when she is older, and that she fears being the "weird aunt" who never had kids at family reunions. Both are, in my opinion not valid reasons to have kids.

On a different note, after everyone started asking "when are you gonna have kids" we decided to tell them that we were unable to because I was infertile. Everyone started making "shooting blanks" jokes which I didn't mind, but it led to more questioning (fertility clinics?) So we switched to SHE was infertile and you wouldn't believe the difference. No jokes, just somber "I'm so sorry's" very serious like someone died.

Why is it a funny joke for a man to be infertile and a horrible life changing event for a woman. Keep in mind, it doesn't bother me, just interested in why such a difference.

Thanks for this forum. I can't talk to any of my breeder friends about this, they don't understand. I think I'll have a serious sit-down and propose counselling to my wife.

Y'know, I'm a year or so younger than your wife, and my hubby and I have been together a similar amount of time. We're both still staunchly CF (although when we first got together I was still "undecided"), and I don't forsee that changing.

I do, however, find myself surrounded by women my age who already have several kids, or who are obsessed with the urgent need to have a child... I have never regretted our decision (as a matter of fact, every time I rethink it, I feel nothing but relief), but I do see an aspect of my life if I'd chosen differently when I watch the women I know go through their pregnancies and such... It is sometimes difficult, especially if you're married and remember the fuss, not to feel left out when you are faced with the fact that you will never be the center of attention at a baby shower, that your wedding showers were it... The last time you were subject to someone else's desire to place you in the center of attention and make a big fuss over you.

Its a trade-in that I am more than happy to make, and honestly I make such a huge deal about my own personal days (my birthday, our anniversary, the holidays), that I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

As for being the "weird aunt".... I look at it this way... I'm not the "weird aunt," I'm the cool aunt, the one who, because she doesn't have kids, has disposable income and can spoil the hell out of the kids in her life. All of the kids in our family look forward to birthdays and c'mas and to what my hubby and I are going to do to top the year before. I'm the aunt that can be counted on for concerts and shopping trips, and I guarantee that when the time comes and all of us are older and looking back at our lives, it won't be regret that I'm feeling, it will be fulfillment... and I guarantee that it won't be derision I'll be getting from the other adults my age, it will be envy.

And for the record, its a "horrible life changing event for a woman" when she's found to be infertile because we, as women, are expected (societally) to define ourselves and define our value by our ability to procreate. If we were to adhere to the standards set by society, our soul purpose would be to bear children, since we can do it and men cannot. Its bullshit, and its the reason there are so many women out there afraid to stand up and admit that they don't want children, and why there are so many women out there who have children and are absolutely miserable... Because they couldn't find the strength to resist the role society wants to force on us. While it takes a man to make a child, a man does not carry a baby, does not experience birth, or the hormonal changes that pregnancy causes... And so, for men, infertility doesn't mean that a major part of their identity is missing, it just means that they can't be the one to assist in fulfilling a part of a woman's identity.

I'm sorry if that sounded disjointed... It IS 5:30 am here, and I haven't been to sleep yet, lol.

Good luck with your wife.

I can't speak for all women, but I think that maybe the reason why women that have already had children make that distinction is because they know what its like to have had a baby that close at one point in time. My last child, because of the difficult pregnancy, was a preemie. When I was finally able to I would just sit and hold him in the NICU nursery for as long as the nurses would let me. When I hear I woman is infertile I know she'll never feel that, and that's why it is a horrible life changing event. However I would never make a joke about a man either. I would be willing to bet it was other MEN who made the jokes, and I believe that's because men (in general) have a hard time expressing those feelings of vulnerability, so they try to make light of it. Of course, if it WAS women, it could be that they figure a since a man doesn't carry the child, then he doesn't lose as much (but that's just as heartless IMHO).

Hi Cooper,

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I do sympathise - I'm resolutely CF (and never been happier since I took the courage to accept myself for what i am and stopped apologising for what everyone else expected) but SO does still want kids. It can be very hard to even discuss these things when you are at polar opposites and they trot out all the reasons you think are not valid.

Can't help but agree with Bryndian on the "cool aunt" thing. I'm one such and really enjoy it - that and all the cool things I get to do with my life because I am not someone's mum.

It's really rough when people hassle you about your decision not to have kids. I've had years of it and no matter what you say they always think they know best and that somehow you can be convinced if only they can find the right phrase. It drives me nuts.

The only thing I can suggest is to try to get at exactly why she feels she wants kids, and if you feel that her reasons are not valid, to find some way to get her to see that.

Otherwise I would be utterly straight with her about your feelings so that she is under no illusions. It may also be a good opportunity for you to work in all the reasons you have for not wanting children, which may help her to see some of the faults in her own argument - or not.

What we found (or rather, my SO) was that he had to make a decision about whether he want kids more than he wanted to stay with me. The answer so far has been no.

I really do sympathise - this thing has been the bane of my life for years now.

Good luck

It sounds like your wife is poised on the edge of change; as you said, your dog is not long for this world and her friends are having kids -- which means the friendships are going to change drastically. It sounds like she wants to be a member of 'the club.'

I find that a lot of women have babies when they are confused about what to do or are afraid of what life is about to serve up next. One of my friends had a kid when she got laid off. Another is marrying a guy she doesn't love and can't live with, because she just hit her mid-thirties and wants a baby...there is a definite pattern here. Fear is a great motivator.

I hope she gets over it, for both your sakes. There are books out there about the childfree life that you might consider...

As to being alone when you are older...plenty of nursing-home staff will tell you that very large numbers of residents never have a visitor. Having a child might end up making you feel more lonely, when they can't or won't stop their lives to come see you.

And if your dog is ill, there are a million puppies to think about adopting. Or cats, parrots, llamas...It may seem heartless, but no less heartless than having a child you don't really want for the wrong reasons...

I can't imagine giving up free plane tickets anywhere in the world...what a life that would be!!

Hi, Cooper,

My husband and I are your and your wife's ages, and so far it sounds like we went through just what you're going through, and yes, it's rough.

We were married 5 years allready and so far just played with the subject of having kids. It seemed to bring up conflict a little, so we avoided it. He didn't, I did. We tried to convince each other, joked, and eventually had arguments. We both figured someday the other would "come around".

Deep down I knew he didn't want kids. But I was so concerned with 1. Him not being "normal" and 2. My bio clock, that I never even looked at 3. DID I EVEN REALLY WANT KIDS MYSELF?

I was so brainwashed to have kids that when I'd go to the OB Gyne for checkups, I'd leave sobbing because I wasn't doing my bio/familial duty, disappointing my parents, whatever you like. I was so confused.

I couldn't stand the pressure of being in between this decision anymore. So we both talked seriously about why we wanted/didn't want kids. I found my hubby wasn't this selfish ogre that hated kids. He was pretty happy with our lives as is and gave many good and real, concrete reasons why and how a baby would change us for the worst. He had me in mind the whole time, reminding me of all the hobbies and aspirations I had that would be almost impossible with kids.

When I really thought about why I wanted kids, all I could come up with were selfish reasons, and like your wife, the cute pastel baby shower that my mom & aunts always told me I'd have someday.

2 years after the decision not to have kids, I am bubbling with happiness about life. I am a painter, a martial artist, a volunteer, and even a cool aunt. My motivation to have kids was completely to please others. A lifetime of unfulfilled dreams is not worth giving up for a brief hour in the spotlight at a baby shower.

I very much hope you both work this out, but I'll take some time. Keep us posted!

Thanks for all your help. I know this is primarily a womens board, but believe me, there are no helpful "mens" boards out there.

Juanita, yes my wife is needing a change. A 13 year fulfilling career is coming to a vague end. She used to feel valuable at her company, now she feels like a burden. She doesn't know what career she wants now and is in a fog about what to do. She doesn't have much drive to get out there and look for a better job, and that makes her feel more like a failure. I know exactly what she is going through, I went through that 5 years ago. I think a baby might be a "default" job in her mind. Very dangerous.

Stormy, I feel like you are describing my wife and I. We did the EXACT same thing, just assuming that we both would come around, always joking about it but never really talking.

Bottom line is this. The person who really wants kids with the spouse who doesn't needs to decide if it is so important that he/she must leave. But it does work both ways. If it is SO important to my wife that she would consider leaving, then I believe I would do it for her. I am not ADAMANT about not having kids just never really enjoyed being around them.

I would be lost without her and I know it