BellaOnline Forums Food and Wine Etiquette Husband Can't "Keep Up" in Fast Dinner Party Chat

Hello Everyone - - I'm hoping you can help me handle this nicely - - I don't want to embarrass anyone.

A year ago, a friend of mine invited my husband and I to a dinner party. It was a group of 7: me and my husband, my friend and her husband, a single woman, and a guy I knew in high school and his partner. The party was at his house - we'll call him "HS Pal." We had a fun time and this group has met for dinner maybe 4 times since then. We hosted the party this past weekend. I had a great time and the party was successful. Thing is, HS Pal is a very fast talker, very lively, and is from the fashion world, which my husband and I don't know all that much about. Anyway - - my husband said last night that he doesn't want to go to the next party because he just can't understand what HS Pal is ever talking about - -and he does most of the talking. My husband is a quiet type, very smart, but scientific - isn't great at social chit chat - - and I know he often has trouble in social situations keeping up with the conversations - not just with this group, but in many groups.

My question is: when the next party is scheduled and my husband doesn't want to go - - should I:
- - just go without him and make some "white lie" excuse for his absence?
- - talk to HS Pal and explain that my husband can't understand his stories and could he try to slow down his speech so he can follow him?
- - tell my husband that he needs to speak up and ask HS Pal to explain what he's talking about? (that is something he probably can't do comfortably.)

Any other ideas?

Thank you, all, for your input!
- - NanL

You could go to the party, and when the conversation switches over to the fashion design area, laughingly say, "Slow down, I'm missing half of what you're talking about!" If you take the brunt off of your shy husband's shoulders (who is already uncomfortable in social settings w/out adding embarrasment in front of your friends to the mix), then you'll be the hero in his eyes! <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" /> And who knows? Some of your other friends might be grateful, too!

You may also want to encourage him to speak up as well. I understand that he may feel like a fish out of water, but as we all know the only stupid question is the one not asked. He should be made to feel comfortable enough to ask questions about a topic so that he can be an equal contributor to the conversation.

Besides, he can't be the only one who doesn't fully understand what's being discussed. And what makes a conversation a great one are the different points of view, not the persons previous knowledge on the subject. With his mind being fresh to the subject, he may be able to contribute new ideas that others hadn't thought of.

For example, I'm not a football guru in the least, and when my father brought up the young man who passed away during 49ers training camp this past week. I think began to ask him basic football questions such as: What happens in training camp? And what does a tackler do? And after I got that information from him, I was able to give my opinion on the matter.

Long story long <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />: If this man who's monopolizing the conversation isn't willing to relate the information to those who are uninformed, then maybe your husband is on the right track and you should reconsider spending time with him. Good etiquette is about allowing others to feel comfortable in your presence, and the friend should be the kind who doesn't belittle anyone for their lack of knowledge but helps to draw them into the conversation.

Also, a one-sided conversation is really called a monologue. It might be a good idea to try to divert the conversation to a topic everyone can enjoy.

BTW: I also agree whole-heartedly with MusicalMom.
Thanks Michelle!

Thank you, both, for your replies. You helped me see how I can help the situation in a new way, i.e. I can ask him to explain things or slow down, etc and I can try to broaden the conversation by asking questions of him or to others.

But now here's a new twist... I got a thank you e-mail from HS Pal - very gracious - and he is now suggesting that for the next dinner we meet in NYC and he's asking me what I think of that idea. Personally, I love the city and think it would be fun. My husband doesn't like going into the city, so now that gives him 2 reasons to say he doesn't want to go to the next gathering. I could tell him that we're not crazy about the idea of going into the city and make some other suggestion. But I think that no matter where it is held, my husband isn't going to want to go anyway. So I don't know what to say to HS Pal.

I'm sorry if I'm making too much out of this. I just feel torn between the fact that I enjoy hanging out with this bunch (I find them stimulating and I don't have much trouble participating in the conversation) and loyalty to my husband.

My husband, when even the slightet thing makes him uncomfortable, tends to prefer to avoid the situation completely rather than feel the discomfort. Oddly enough, when he is comfortable, he can be charming and social with the best of them. However, on those occasions where he feels like he might be the "odd man out" or in any other way not at his best, he will find any reason to opt out.

I have become quite adept at navigating social situations with him when he is feeling out of his depth. Changing the subject when he is unable to keep up, drawing him into the conversation when he gets quiet, coaxing him into situations where he might otherwise have opted not to venture... Sometimes he's gotten home and asked that we not repeat something, but more often than not he's glad we went.

I wouldn't tell your friend from HS that your husband can't keep up with the conversation... I know from experience that it probably won't work (monopolizing a conversation is a habit that some socially flamboyant people simply can't break) and it might make your HS friend awkwardly attempt to draw your hubby in and make him more self conscious. I think that drawing hubby into the conversation is likely going to fall to you... It won't take as much effort as it seems... Humorous self-deprecation is a tool we southern girls learn at an early age, and it can defuse an awkward subject change beautifully.

The NYC thing is something you can lay at your hubby's feet, especially if you haven't said anything about his problems in conversation. If you laugh it off and say "Perhaps NYC can be managed in the future, but for now Hubby just isn't in the mood to make the trip into the city, as its not his favorite place. Maybe *insert option here* instead?" (Always be prepared to offer an option! Maybe it might not be something they'd even thought of!) If HS Pal is dead set on NYC, then decline graciously, saying that you'd rather not abandon your hubby to his own devices and that the two of you will try to make the next outing.

Another option for NYC is to get your hubby to give you an idea of whether or not there is an acceptable venue in the city that he might consider... Always an option for an alternative. And it makes your hubby feel like he's contributed to a compromise that he'd be willing to make.

It sounds like a lot of work, but once you get into the habit it becomes second nature... And it will be something that your hubby will absolutely adore you for. You may find that with you as back up, he'll become more confident about entering into social situations that he wouldn't have before. <img src="/images/graemlins/king.gif" alt="" />

My take - if you enjoy this group and your husband doesn't, then there is no reason you should not go without him. You don't even need to make excuses. Just say he didn't want to go and leave it at that.

My husband is greatful that I don't drag him to gatherings he considers boring. And I don't feel obligated to enter into sports conversations with his friends. Dan and I feel we are both individuals and have lives outside of being a couple. We are pleased with this arrangment but maybe that's not for everyone?

Thanks for your comments - - again, very helpful.

Jill, hubby and I DO do a lot of things separately and on one level it would be just fine for me to go to dinner with this group and for him to not go. But for some reason I feel like saying "he doesn't want to go" or "he's not up for it" would somehow feel like an insult to this group - like my hubby doesn't like them. I don't know...maybe I'm projecting my own feelings into the situation too much.

Bryndian - - I like your suggestions. One little bit of info here is that I am not the best conversation maker myself. But I am clearly more comfortable with this group than hubby is. It didn't really occur to me to try to help guide the conversation to help my hubby out - - but I can see where that would be a useful thing to try to do. It would be a challenge for me, but I could try.

So, I think I will write back to HS Pal and beg off on the NYC trip but suggest something else. Then, as plans get solidified, if hubby refuses to go, I'll go without him. But maybe I can convince him to try it again if I tell him I'll try to help buffer the situation more.

Thanks, all, for your help on this! :-)
- Nan

Glad I could help! <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have a lot of interests and participate in a lot of activities that my hubby simply isn't interested in, and we've never had a problem doing things apart. But sometimes I just would rather do something with him than without him... I find him charming and wonderful, and I do love doing things with him... And we have friends who feel the same way, and miss him when he doesn't participate. This is why I learned to help guide him when he's feeling out of place...

Another problem with Will is that he used to be a professional chef... 70-hour+ work weeks and working holidays made him irritable and cranky and absolutely antisocial when he was feeling tired and overworked and sore. He was always incredibly grateful when I could help buffer some of his snarkiness and save him from unforgiveable faux pas when he was just too tired to be social... Especially during the holidays when we had social situations to attend together and he couldn't beg off (because it was a business gathering, or a family thing, or whatever), but still had to work and couldn't dredge up the energy to be more than passably pleasant.

There are a thousand reasons out there why someone simply can't say "He doesn't want to go," (at least that can be true here where the social niceties are expected and the lack of niceties can scar a social reputation forever) and it is important to find a way to make sure that no one's feelings are stepped on, even unintentionally.

Okay, I have to say this: if someone is going to get their panties in a twist and be offended that someone's mate isn't going to an event, I question the friendship. It just shouldn't be a big deal. And it IS okay to just say, "he didn't want to come." and leave it at that. A friend would just drop the matter, or maybe tease you about it. But getting offended is not acceptible in the terms of friendship, in my book. After all, YOU came to the party. It's YOU they like. Should't that be enough?

I don't know. I am West Coast and I think things are more laid back/etiquette lax on this end of the country.