BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids so many issues

Hi All! I'm new to the group but would like to say that I'm glad such a forum exists for those with "contrarian" views such as ours. I wish that more people, especially poor people, would realize that having children is not inevitable-it's a choice. My subject heading is "so many issues" b/c I've been grappling with numerous child-related issues in my head. First, I'm realizing how difficult it is to date Black men (I'm a 20-something Black woman) knowing that you don't want children. Black men are babied by thier mothers, so they equate mothering with love and femininity, and Black men tend to be Christian. And we all know what Christians think about kids! I don't want kids period but espcially not to get or keep a man. I just fear that he'd get another woman pregnant just to have offspring. My second issue is that I can't understand why the least equipped people financially, emotionally, etc. insist on having gaggles of kids. I'm no Hitler fan but there's something to the eugenics movement. At my school, there's a drive to help kids with school supplies. I say that if you can't afford to buy your kid(s) pencil and paper, you shouldn't have had kids. I'm glad you guys are here b/c I have to be careful saying that aloud in my liberal classrooms. By the way, I have no desire to date outside of my race. Any thoughts....? <img src="/images/graemlins/fish.gif" alt="" />

Like you, I'm glad I found this place and feel relieved to know there are others just like you. Everyone's nice here, and feel free to share any thoughts you have.

I, too, am appalled by the fact that the portion of society cranking out kids are the poorest classes, all doing it because they don't know much about how kids are made as well as any cultural and religious values that are pro-family.

Welcome animallover. I just signed on tonight to talk about a co-worker and my conversation earlier. She is black, young, and religious.

Like me she does not want kids but tonight she was saying she is not sure if she is going to have any. This was confusing to me, why have them if you don't want them? She told me, "I don't want to be selfish." What! I asked her how not having kids is selfish and told her that I thought it is nobler to not have kids because of over population. I explained that the world population is going to be around 9 billion in less than 50 years. Her explanation was that it is selfish because God gave us the ability to have kids and to not have them is selfish. I asked her, "God gave men the ability to father children so shouldn't ejaculating without impregnating a woman be selfish?" She responded by saying she has to look that up in the bible.

There has gotta be a cf black man out there for you somewhere. I don't know how you feel about online dating but you can find lots of men who don't want children on places like Yahoo! Personals. Just indicate that not wanting children is a requirement. I would go there if I didn't already find my man.

First off, dating sites do give you the option of saying you don't want kids. At the same time, it's hard because very few people actually mention that.

While I try to respect everyone's beliefs, I will take a moment to comment on religion's role in this issue. I'm not religious, and I have no problem taking the side of rational thought on this. My belief is that raising children is very hard by nature, made even harder by the complexity of our society. It's also my belief that a good environment helps with a good upbringing, meaning at home and outside of it. In a perfect world, each couple is free to make a choice whether to have children or not based on personal preferences and whether they have the time, money, and patience to do it for the next 18+ years or so. That way, those who want children are happy, and those who don't are still respected as much.

But when you have religious or cultural beliefs that are pro-family, the problems start. You have kids being constantly born at a fast rate, and many parents don't have the time, money, or patience to do it and not realize it. That creates an unideal environment for the child, which is likely to make him or her dysfunctional or irresponsible. Then the cycles continue as those kids have kids of their own, and so on.

If we're at risk of extinction like a million years ago, that's one thing. But we're really far from that, unless a worldwide disaster wipes us all out. So this is why I don't like beliefs that demand procreation, especially when those who don't choose the same path are considered selfish.

And that's what I don't get as well. The definition of selfish. To me, selfish means doing actions that benefit oneself in a way that negatively affects at least one other person. Not having children is a decision one makes for the benefit of oneself, yes. But who is harmed by this? The child doesn't exist.

Having a child because you feel you're supposed is an action done for oneself, and if the parent doesn't think about what helps produce a good child, the child doesn't turn out right. The child is negatively affected. THIS fits the definition perfectly.

This is the frustration the CF community has to deal with. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Um, don't lump all Christians together in that. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There are plenty of Christians who don't want kids. Nothing in the Christian faith says you have to procreate.

It was hard finding a guy, regardless of race, who didn't want kids. I went on many dates and had my heart broken more than a couple of times from guys who knew upfront I didn't want kids, let me fall for them, and then dumped me after a few dates because they decided having kids was important to them. They couldn't figure this out ahead of time???

My bf is a Christian cf mn.

So what?

Some people want kids, others don't.

Some people want pets, others don't.

Someone tell me the difference as I don't see any.

I have never been on a date. When you're lovable, love will come your way itself. Dating is a useless thing. It's like having a stamp on your forehead: I am available and desperately looking.

I'm not overgeneralizing. I do know some Christians think more freely than others. In fact, I've talked to one who did have sex as a teenager instead of abstaining until marriage as some others are trying to do. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dates have nothing to do with being desparate. They are a way to get to know each other while getting out and doing something fun. NYC I am curious as to how you got together with your man. Did you two meet and then just decide to be an exlcusive couple? Did you do this with out talking on the phone, hanging out, and going out? Did you two skip the "get to know you" part where people usually decide whether or not this is a person they want to label as as their boyfriend? <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Yahoo! gets specific about children. Each person is asked if they have children and if they want children.

Hi, animallover!

I am not sure it's a racial thing. All men get coddled by their mommas, and a lot want children. I am white and I happen to have dated only whites.

This is such an important issue, you may have to make it front and center in your search for a mate. It influences what people want out of life, which makes them what they are.

No man cheats just to have kids. That's just an excuse for being a dog. No man worth having would do it.

You are also quite young. Things may improve as you get older. For example, in your twenties, it can be easy to say "I want kids some day" and think you mean it. For two reasons: a. it is (or can be) way off in the future and b. because your personality and values and desires in life are not fully formed, so you substitute what seems 'normal.'

This is exactly what happened with me. I said, 'oh, sure kids, right' while in my teens and twenties. But as I got into my thirties, and the 'clock began to tick' I realized NO WAY was it for me. And, the men of your cohort will probably keep pace, too. Those who don't have kids by that point will have matured and realized they don't want them either.

SO, my advice in a nutshell: be patient and stick to your guns.

NYC,

I see where you are coming from. We shouldn't have to defend our decision not to have children. I wish people would just accept that is a different way of living, not better, not worse, just different.

But the cold hard truth is that society isn't like that and us CFers continue to be badgered about our decision. Every one at times seeks conformation about a choice they made whether it be they way they handled a situation at work, how they disciplined their child, or even the choice of not having kids. We can easily see ourselves feeling the same way these women (who had children and regret it) do if we were to give in to societal pressures. Although we would continue to feel good about our decisions without reading the horror stories it still is nice to have that conformation.