BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids New here, unsure of the future....

Hi everyone. I just stumbled on this board a few days ago & I'm so glad I did! Everyone seems so nice here and easy to talk to. I think I really need to vent right now...I've been married for 3 years and for as long as I can remember I've never really looked forward to having kids, I've always dreaded it.
When I got married, I just assumed "someday" I'd magically wake up & want to have babies...I'm 26 and I'm still waiting for that to happen. I really don't think the day will ever come...DH has had a very hard time with how I feel...he wants children badly. I have no idea what will happen to our marriage. I love him, but I don't want him to resent me if we never have children and I don't want to resent him or hate myself if I give in to make him happy.

We've discussed (or rather fought over) the issue of me not wanting children for close to a year now, and I'm tired of it all....I'm tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me, tired of feeling like I'm letting him and his family down (they're all very old fashioned...you get married & have kids...that's your life...The End) I'm tired of feeling like an oddball for not wanting kids...see, we live in a small town, and it's "Just What You Do"...get married then have kids. I know of one and only one other girl close to my age around here that feels the same way I do. Lucky for her, she has a supportive husband and it doesn't matter either way to him if they have kids or not.

I guess I just needed to get that all off my chest...I recently started a journal to help me get my feelings out, but I haven't done as well as I planned writing in it LOL! I think I'm just looking for other people's perspective's that have been or are currently where I'm at mentally...thanks for reading & sorry about my first post being so long! <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm new, too! I'm 31, and the urge to procreate hasn't hit yet. I'm very lucky in that I found a partner who feels the same way I do, but I totally empathize with your situation. We're in the midwest where everybody has the 2.2 kids and a minivan in the driveway, and my in-laws have been less than supportive of our decision as well.

Be assured that there's nothing wrong with you! There is no bigger decision than choosing to host another human in your body for nine months, then be solely responsible for their care and upbringing for another 18. You are making the right choice to not do it just to please someone else, whether they can see that now or not.

Maybe soon your husband will see all of the possibilities for a great life WITHOUT kids. And if he feels the paternal urge, there's always Big Brothers Big Sisters or another outreach group where he can make a difference in a child's life.

Good vibes to you!

Hi Llamadrama!
I can relate to a lot of what you said. I am about the same age, (25), have a husband who wants kids, and live in a small town, (in the South, for that matter!) <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I have always thought that maybe one day I would wake up and automatically want to be a mother...that has never happened. As a matter of fact, the older I get, the more I realize I never want children, (especially after watching what my two best girlfriends have gone through with their kids.) Other than the kids issue, my husband and I get along wonderfully. I think he is slowly beginning to see my side, though. I know it's awful when your partner wants kids and you don't... it is so frustrating on both sides.
Have you asked DH why it is so important to him? Maybe you could have him babysit some kids you know are little monsters one day...maybe that will make him think twice. <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi all. In about 30 days I will be a quarter of a century old (eek) and have been divorced for over 3 years. I too was married to a man who wanted children. I myself have known for about 10 years that I never want children and have never doubted whether or not I have made the right decision. My divorce was the best thing that could have happened for me. Although we did not divorce over the kid issue that would have eventually lead to BIG PROBLEMS. Since I am the woman and the one in control of the reproduction he would have been in for some major disappointment.

I am not advocating divorce, but if you or your partner do not *honestly* change your mind than you may need to find a partner who feels the same. If anyone of you gives in for the sake of the other without it truly being what you want you may regret it for the rest of your life. Read "Newbie (with kid)" she made a choice and now is miserable. You and your partner need to sit down and have a very long discussion (with out getting angry/resentful) and come up with a solution you can be happy with as a couple and as individuals. There are only two solutions I can see her 1) one of you has to give or 2) you need to go you own ways.

Thanks for the replies so far...Newbie (w/kid)'s post really hit home for me. I could see myself feeling exactly like she does, if I give in & have kids. For example, I love having time to myself and I know I would go crazy with kids around 24/7. There were some other points she made as well that struck a chord with me...

Hi everyone. I stumbled onto this board looking on the internet for advice on my current situation. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, are best friends, and have talked on quite a few occasions about getting married. The only problem is I KNOW I do not want kids. For the time that have known him (up until this past weekend, that is), he has given the impression that he could either take or leave kids. However, this past weekend, he told me in all honesty that he thought he wanted to have at least 1 kid, but that my not wanting to have kids was not a "deal breaker" to him. I trust my boyfriend completely, and he has always been 100% honest, forthright, sensitive, and kind towards me. However, I am not sure what to think about the status of things right now. I want to be with this man forever, and I believe that we would have an outstanding life together, should we get married. But I don't want to put myself NOR him in the situation of being resentful of the other because we don't agree on this very fundamental issue. Any advice from you all on my situation? Thanks so much!

Oh, and by the way, I'll be 32 on Aug. 15, so I've been of the "I don't want kids" mindset for a very long time. My sister just had a baby on March 28, and I adore him completely, but simply do NOT want one of my own! I am completely satisfied with playing with hers and then going home to my peace and quiet (and 3 cats)!

So we have two birthdays coming up. And as childfree people, I'm sure you'll just love the freedom to celebrate your birthdays. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You bet your bottom dollar I am going to have a great birthday. My bf birthday is 7 days after mine so we celebrate it together. <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I feel that the kids issue IS a deal-breaker. My first marriage broke up, in large part because he decided he wanted kids, and I didn't. There really is no compromise here...this is not like giving in to your partner as to what restaurant to eat at, or what movie to see. This is a lifetime committment.

That's why I feel that if you are with someone who really wants kids, and you are 100% sure that you don't, the best thing for both might be to just let that person go, and find someone who wants kids. It'll hurt like hell, yes...but it's far better than giving in and being stick with a kid that you never wanted (I read the post from the Newbie, too...very sad).

But I am now happily re-married to a very CF man!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.