BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie (with kid)

You may need to switch GPs because this man does NOT sound like he is listening to you at all!

Contrary to all the books and 90% of the women (out loud), not every mother "bonds" with her baby right off the bat. I don't know what all is going on in your life, so I can't judge, but depending on what distractions or stresses you have, it may be "nromal" for you to feel this way.

Also, this is a changing world... you don't have to be the one to stay home and take care of the baby! If your husband has the more "maternal instinct", it might make more sense for him to be the primary caregiver and you to be the bread-winner. This ain't Bedrock anymore! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But do be careful w/ the depression thing... just because it is not post-partum, doesn't mean it's not clinical depression or even situational depression (which can be just as devastating at the time - although it does go away, and you won't have to be on drugs for the rest of your life). Switch Dr.s, get an unbiased opinion (go to a woman!), and try to relax (yeah right!) I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hi Ria!

Like a previous poster, I have actually signed-up to these message boards as a result of reading your post.

It touched me... because, as the other poster said, I have also felt the way you and she did.

I am now 37 years old and, after realizing that I am terrified of hospitals and surgery 2 years ago, and that I would never put myself in a situation where I would have to voluntarily have any sort of procedure, including childbirth, for reasons quite different from my initial yearning to never have kids, I know now for sure that I NEVER will.

Prior to that, I never wanted kids, but often felt this nagging pressure from society and/or feeling that maybe I wasn't doing the right thing and would regret it later.

So I thank you VERY MUCH for being brave enough to put your thoughts and feelings out there, both to get support and help for yourself, and also because it will support and help others out there with the same quandries.

DO hang in there.

Unlike some previous posters, I don't think that you sound like your reaction to all this is chemical... it's just a new phase of your life you've been flung into suddenly that you can't just back out of, and that must be very daunting.

I think it's quite understandable to feel the way you do, and judging from what I've heard from friends and acquaintances who have had kids, eventually this phase will pass, and you will find your feet again (and get some of your 'me time' back).... hey, eventually the kid has to go to school, right? <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In fact, one friend who was quite the power woman prior to having her kid described her time between the child's birth and about the 2 year mark as "Icky". But she said that ultimately the "icky" was worth it later.

I hope you manage to find that to be the case too... well, it would be nice if the first two years WEREN'T "icky", but since that already seems to be the case, take heart in the fact that you will probably both adjust to this over time and the situation will improve as the child gets older.

Take care, and thanks again for posting!

Ria - I do hope you are able to get help and find peace. There are lots of good suggestions from others here and I hope you stay in touch with us!

I wanted to thank you for your honesty. Your post really struck home as something I would have written if I had given into family and society pressures -- pressures I feel practically every day. But every time I come back to this site and read that I'm not the only one, I'm not crazy, etc... I realize I am doing myself, my husband, and my would-be children a favor by staying child-free.

Thanks again for your honesty, and best of luck to you in finding help and support. And know that your "warning" was heard. ;-)

Gardengirl, thanks for that information - we're pretty decided that my partner is going to have a vasectomy soon! Thankfully he only really thought one kid might be a good idea anyway so no worries there.
Llamadrama and Pets4Me do think about it carefully and then some. We did think it over and we waited until we were in a financial position to have a child - and we still may have made a wrong decision. Living your life happily without children is not a 'cowards' choice if you have doubts.
tequilatamm, thanks for saying that you think its situational not chemical - I agree. I will explore the possibility of antidepressants - but only on the basis that i don't expect them to change the situation but they may help during the 'icky' phase.
I do like kids over 2 and I'm hoping that won't have dissapeared by the time he gets to that age.

I'm also planning to exploit my own mother! She keeps saying how much she adores him so I think instead of the brave face she usually gets I will tell her honestly how bad I feel some days and ask her how often she could help out by babysitting/ having him overnight.

Ria

Hi Ria

First thing, it's very honest and brave of you to post here and my heart goes out to you for your situation. I can understand how isolated you must feel, in fact I am sure we all can because we have all at some point felt very isolated for our choices that go against the fabric of society. But to feel as you do and be scared to discuss with anyone is really just awful, and I dearly hope that you manage to find a way through this. I do think this is much more common a phenomenon than many people realise. In fact there was quite a well-known survey done of parents who regretted their decision to have kids, and surprising numbers actually do regret it, though of course they cannot say so for fear of being lynched.

It sounds as though you're really missing your "me" time and if your mum could help you out on a regular basis to give you some breathing space I'm sure that will help a little.

I really do hope you manage to work something out. Thank you so much for posting; I really hope you can find a way for things to improve.