BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do I NEED to be married if I'm CF?

I'm 35 and living with the man I plan to be with for my lifetime. We're not having children, so I'm kind of stuck on whether it's really important to be married. Sure, I'd love to be proposed to and exchange rings and be called "Mrs." all the traditional indicators of "commitment", but maybe that's because I've grown up thinking "that's what you do".

What do you think?

It doesn't seem as if u really want 2 be married & that's ok. U don't have 2 b married 2 be committed. If u're unsure mayb u should ask yourself- Would I feel any different if i were married- would i feel happier, more secure or would i [color:"pink"] [/color] [color:"pink"] [/color] be just as happy committed, but not married?

The only thing with not being married are the legal aspects--such as hospital visitation (if you're not married you can't visit without the family's permission), inheritance (if you're not married you technically don't get to inherit and I've even heard cases of families contesting it and winning when one partner leaves something to the other), and most likely it creates a bigger mess if you acquire property together and then split up.

If you don't mind these things, then don't worry about getting married....but it would sure scare me not to have such legal protections.

Even if you have kids you don't NEED to be married. My partner and I are perfectly happy with being together with out ever getting married. His parents hate it because he is their only child so they will never get to see thier child wed, they also hate that he got a vasectomy...oh well, that's their problem. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Due to the fact that often when a loved on is dying/ill only family is allowed to be in the room we have decided that when we live together we are going to file for domestic partners. Different regions have different rules regarding this so if it is an option you want to consider you need to due some investigating. Some area any one can be domestic partners, some only same sex couples, and some don't have domestic partner sanctions at all.

We never felt that we needed a piece of paper to know that we love each other and are committed. Plus, I would resent doing the whole song and dance wedding thing for the family. The only reason I would get married is for the cake, I love cake. I told my partner that "if we ever did get married then all I require is a big beautiful cake, I don't even care if the groom is there." <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL @ cake. My mom loves wedding cake so much that I promised her she could have her own small one when I get married. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think of marriage as the official commitment to one person in life, the ultimate "I love you" and "you can count on me" promise. I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got married (dated him for 2 years prior to that) and now we have been married almost 4 years. Things change a little, but for the better in my opinion. It legitamized the relationship for me psychologically in terms of my place within our families for instance. I feel I can express my opinions and stand my ground better with my in-laws now that we are married. When we just lived together I did not feel the same way.
Also, I never once thought of marriage as the first step to having kids and still don't. Even our minister who married us only brought up the subject once and when we told him we are not planning on having kids, he said ok, and then said I guess we don't have to talk about this in our counseling sessions. He was great!

*Bump*

This post touched a nerve for me. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. We are not interested in having kids, he isn't interested in marriage although I am. Despite the legal things, I wonder if I am just buying into the wedding fantasy?! He is a wonderful man and we are committed to each other, he just happens to have a very negative view of marriage as an institution, much to do with his childhood experiences/divorce of his parents at 5/6 yrs of age, a violent stepdad etc. For him, nothing good ever came of "marriage."

What are your thoughts? Maybe a compromise is a commitment ceremony for us, even just for the two of us? Something meaningful but also beautiful. I feel confused. I've been reading a wedding forum today and I think it made me feel more sad! Silly girl.

Annika, I'm a British woman, living in the UK so it.s difficult for me to give you an objective response, because we live in different countries.
That is to say, I am rudely assuming you are posting from the USA where I know that attitudes to being Child-free, attitudes to Religion and attitudes to Commitment are somewhat different to here... I get the impression (from posts on this site, and from the Media generally) that the USA in general, is far more intense and serious, focussed, single-minded (at times, blinkered) about these subjects....

In my opinion, marriage ceremonies should not be uniquely Christian based. There should be a legal marriage service, which is just as binding and "{contractual" as the one currently made 'before God' because the union of two people should not be faith-based, necessarily. One or both of the couple may not have Christian beliefs... Why then, subject them to an obligatorily-Christian union? Isn't this a bit of an empty meaningless exercise...?
Secondly, again, just in my opinion, Marriage is socially very dressed up in frills, "White lace and promises".... The idea of a marriage ceremony is presented and promted as something with doves, pretty fluffy clouds and unreal expectations. Don't forget though, that the origins of many of the aspects of a wedding ceremony are founded and based on the ancient practise of the bride being donated as an item of property to the husband, ostensibly, but to the husband's family as a piece of goods. Hence the talk of dowry, Who giveth away this woman, and no matter what the romantic notion of the wedding band, it was a mark of ownership....
Remember that if a couple break off their Official engagement, the man is entitled to the engagement ring back.... You see what I mean?

I find that couples who stay together through personal commitment, put more effort into it. I don't know why this is... I think maybe it's because subconsciously, there is the knowledge that they could quite happily legally stray if they wanted to, but they are determined to not do so, out of loyalty, and not letting themselves down also...
I would love to see the statistics (can you ever really believe them though?) that show how many marriages experience infidelity, in comparison to commited partnerships...

Incidentally, I watched a programme last night on Polyamory...Very interesting....

Going to start a thread...!

Sorry to have rabbitted on....Don't know if any of it helps.... Just more food for thought, I guess....

The great thing about being childfree is that you only have two people to consider when making big decisions like this; you and your partner. So, i guess it's more about 'wanting' to get married than 'needing' to get married. Nothing wrong with wanting the big day out if you can afford it. And nothing wrong either with doing it in a less-traditional way if that's what you want.
In your heart, you know what you want. We all have that little voice inside our head telling us what to do; god knows i wish i'd listened to mine more often - it's always right!
Good luck with whatever you decide.

You don't need to be married at all.

Do what your heart tells you to. Better to never marry than to marry and regret it (similar to the CF mantra of kids: better to never have kids then to have them and regret it).

In our society, it is becoming more and more acceptable to live your life without marriage. There has never been a better time to live that way if that's what you want.

Here is the voice of experience: my husband and I lived together before we got married. The wedding was a lot of fun and a lot of stress...we both described it as less of a wedding and more of a celebration of the love that was already there. Hubby kept calling it "a costume party" which, in hindsight, it largely was. In the end, though, nothing changed. We were still very close; the wedding did not bring us closer. We just did it because it was something we both always wanted to do.

Year after year, the memories provide us with another reason to celebrate -- our anniversary. And it is kind of fun to call him my husband.

Everyone is different. If marriage is not your bag, don't do it. Even without marriage, there are plenty of reasons and occasions to celebrate in a good relationship. Don't have a wedding anniversary? Celebrate the day you met, or the day you decided to be together, or the day you fell in love. Some married couples do this. The day we met was so important to me and my hubby, we scheduled our wedding to occur on that anniversary, so when I discuss my anniversary it has more than one meaning.

The day we met was more important because there would be no marriage or relationship without it! <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />