BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting how to relate to my new stepkids

i am going to become a step parent in a few days and i have no idea how to do this or how to relate to my new step daughters...and i know this sounds awful i do love them but for some reason i resent them...i dont know if its because they are a constant reminder of his ex wife...or if its because i want to have kids with this man and he doenst...if anyone can give me any advice it will be greatly be appreciated

What are the ages and sex of the kids? How often will they be coming over, moreso probably now that it is summer.

Have you checked amazon for any books on the subject or at the library? Most libraries have their catalogs online and you can search, order a book from another location to be delivered to your closest library.

Maybe writing a letter to each of the children with an introduction on your past and what you hope to gain from this new relationship.

You might want to journal this new relationship or do some scrapbooking. Try to find a project that you and the children can do together that will make your time together special and unique. Depending on the ages of the children this could be a number of things.

You could join the local Y and take classes together, find an interest - hobby or sport you all like, play board games - something to break the ice and get to know the likes and dislikes of each other.

Here are the step parenting step parenting articles on this site

Here is a site that might be helpful:
http://cyberparent.com/step/

good luck

I think you should work out the issue about wanting to have kids with him when he doesn't. Unresolved, this issue will not only increase your resentment toward his kids, but will lead to resentment toward him and erosion of your marriage. These things never get better after the wedding.

I've never been a stepmother, but my children have had two and they resented the fact that their stepmothers tried to be their mom. The second one is doing better, but she is a "mother hen" by nature and after the first one (a little bit psycho), they are gun-shy! So, I'd say don't try to replace their mother but do establish authority in your home. Sort of like a "favorite aunt" relationship, I think.

Much luck!

I am living with a man and his daughter and one of the first things he said to me when we met was that he didn't need a mother for his daughter. She already had one. I have no desire to replace her mother and will happily help her do things for her biological mother including reminding her of upcoming important dates like mother's day. Her mother, unfortunately, is not as much a part of her life as might be desired. This bothers me to see, yet I will NEVER bad-mouth her in front of the daughter. You will only lose by doing so, (even if it seems like the child is having negative thoughts and it seems obvious to all concerned the mother is a real loser.)

My SO had trouble in previous relationships with women being jealous/resentful of time he spent with the daughter and the affection he felt for her. The feelings your spouse has for his children are not a threat to you AT ALL. They will not dimish the love he feels for you in the slightest...really. If he sees you share his affection for them, it may enrich your relationship. Children have a way of doing that, regardless of their parentage.

He MAY see things in his children that remind him of his ex. Don't let it bother you, for the most part, these are very likely random things and since he picked you over the ex., I wouldn't expect these to be worrysome to you! Even if the kids have a few traits of their mom, for the most part they tend to be very individual creatures with personalities all their own. Once things get going, kids also tend to be surprisingly fair and quite likely will appreciate you for being YOU. Do your best to be equally fair (or lead if the kids can't manage it at first.) The children can't help who their mother is. It isn't fair to hold it against them. They are not responsible for the relationship of their parents. Much will depend on their ages and the support your SO gives you and the relationship between you ot make it all come out 'right'...but start by letting it be okay (in your heart, not just a lip-service thing.) for Dad to love his kids.

You need to work the 'kids with him' issue out. As long as you are looking at the kids and thinking "I wish he was playing with OUR kids and not these" you are working against your relationship with both him AND his children.

If it bothers you to think of the time spent with the kids...think ahead a few years, fewer if you don't have those kids you are thinking of with this man...and look forward to spending the time with him...just the two of you.

Hope this helps. It really can be rough being a step parent.

I suggest you don't go ahead with this until you can work these things out with your sweetie. It is very unlikely that it will work for any of you this way. That isn't fair for the adults, and it is cruel to the kids, who really don't have much say about the people forming relationships around them.
Best wishes,

I'm giving you the perspective of your husband (sort of) because I was divorced w/ two kids and remarried a single guy.

Yes, there were certain traits in my kids that reminded me of their dad, particularly the way they would say things or hand gestures, but this tended to "creep" me out and make me uncomfortable, because I loved my children so much, and couldne't stand to think about my ex. it was hard sometimes to see an expression that I had grown to hate on the face of a child I cherished. THAT is more likely what your BF is going to feel reminded of in his kids, not the love he had for his ex.

But the baby thing - that is a HUGE issue. All the others have already said it, I'll just re-emphasize, work it out BEFORE you get married. My (now) husband was very open to having one more child, but we decided together that 3 was enough. He also conders the other 2 to be very much his own.
This is not something you can get married and hope to change his mind about over the course of the marriage. it may turn out okay on soap operas and "Desperate Housewives" - but it usually ends in divorce and hurt children in the real world. Seek some pre-marital counseling. Personally I believe everyone should go through some pre-marital counseling anyway, because NO-ONE is prepared for this kind of change!