BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage The straw the broke the camel's back

I have come to this forum seeking advice about my husband and our marriage. We have been marraied for almost a year, together for 3. I will keep this as short as I possibly can.

I prefer to start to this off by saying I am to blame, too. I yell and pick just as much as he does. I've made some stupid mistakes (i.e. being too whiny, etc.), and so has he.

Every time we have to make a decision to do something, it becomes a real pissing match. As of late, it's been about buying a home or fixing ours up, buying furniture, etc. EVERY TIME- and I mean every time- I ask him about doing something, I get an unequivocal, automatic NO. Even if he knows nothing about the subject, has no information, I get a "no." And I swear he does it just to [censored] me off and "assert" himself.

It's not just with household matters, either. It's personal, too. Case in point, we were invited to my cousin's house yesterday for lunch and a swim. I approached him nicely and asked if he wanted to go, of course to which he responded "nope." In the past, this would ignite an argument, but this time I decided to shut up and just go. HE started it. I walked away, said "ok, no problem," and he began a barage of "What? Are you mad? Are you mad?" I said, "No." Then he starts in with the "Liar, you're such a liar," blah, blah, blah. You know what, he was right! I was lying to avoid a fight with him. And I was mad. He NEVER asociates with my friends and family. When my parents visit, he shuts himself away in our room, and he barely talks to anyone. He has been out with my friends and I maybe a handful of times. However, I am friendly, outgoing, and attentive to his family out of respect for them and my husband. I love my in-laws, and I show them the respect they deserve.

Our dates have become our bi-weekly outings to Home Depot and Wal-Mart! There are no plans in the works to celebrate our wedding anniversary, either. I tried to do something, and as usual, he was totally disinterested.

Finally, he is a cop. Because "the other guys at work do it, and it's safer for me that way," HE HAS BEEN TAKING HIS WEDDING BAND OFF AT WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the kicker right there. His reasoning?? "If I'm in a foot pursuit and I have to jump over a chain link fence, it could get caught and my finger could get ripped off!" Do you know what the chances are of him getting into a foot pursuit where he works, let alone having to hurdle a chain link fence in the process? We argued about that one, and he promised to keep it on. Then one day I went to see him at work to give him cash for lunch, and it was off. "I JUST took it off because it was BOTHERING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I apologize for just a long, irate messgage. I'm just so tired of this, and against my btter judgement, would like to save my marriage and teach him a lesson about cherishing his wife. Thoughts?

I think you two have a better chance of saving your marriage if you get trained professional help instead of coming to an online forum for help. This is a great place to get social support and sometimes good advice but I don't think this is the place you need to be to save a teetering marriage.

I feel for you. I was in a bad marriage that finally ended when he became violent. I have too much self respect to let a man hit me. He went to jail for several months for what he did to me. I have not seen him since the incident and I moved half way across state when he got off probation and he no longer had to legally stay away from me.

You have the wrong idea to want to "teach him a lesson." You two need to work through your individual issues that are causing problems in the marriage along with the long standing resentment you harbor towards each other due to the arguing. You two need to learn how to see things from the others perspective and to respect one another. Again, you should seek professional advice on this if your relationship is going to survive.

As far as the ring goes. I don't think taking it off is really going to make his job safer. I ring is not that dangerous. My personal opinion is that he takes it off when you aren't around because a part of him, maybe a big part or maybe a small part, longs to be single.

The ring coming off is a MAJOR sign of a marriage gone bad. And a possible indicator of a man in or looking for an affair (this is what split up my 1st marriage). To have any chance of salvaging it, I agree w/ Kat, you are going to have to get professional counseling. BUT you can always come here to vent or for support or for a shoulder to cry on.

Also, the argument thing, your husband is trying to pick fights w/ you, and wants you actively involved in them so he doesn't have to feel guilty. If you start being reasonable and loving, and he continues to act like a jerk, then he is the one (immediately) to blame.

There were many, MANY problems in my 1st marriage. A lot of which were my fault, and to be quite honest the opening gambits were my fault. He fought back. Then it got to be a tit for tat thing. By the time I really opened my eyes and tried to work things out, his wedding band was in the computer desk and he was in an affair. We tried counseling to work it out for the kids, but to no avail. Kent tried to keep me mad by saying hateful things to me, because he didn't want to admit that he had given up on the marriage, not me.

I'm not saying there is no hope for your marriage, I'm saying your husband WANTS you to get mad so he can blame you if he decides to have an affair or end it. Don't give him that. If you have to go to counseling by yourslef to begin with, do it. But make sure that you have done everything in your power to salvage your marriage, then he is the only one with guilt on his conscience.

Getting a ring caught on a chain link fence won't rip your finger off--you'll get a nice jerk, a big embarrassment, and a bit of finger pain, but that's it. It's a chain-link fence, not a piece of heavy machinery for pete's sake.

i am 27 years old and i was divorced and remarried already. i definetly agree with musicalmom on the ring coming off looking for an affair.my first husband had his ring on for i think a week and i just think thats disrespectfull for a husband to do that. i do not agree that you yourself needing profesional help i do agree that you and your husband need profesional help by speaking to a marriage counsler, theres absolutely nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do it kinda puts you in a depression and wondering what will happen next. but believe me dont fell that way its not worth it if he loves you he will respect the little things you ask of him..Dawn

ok

This is what I think...you might not like all of it...

YOu say that you are partly to blame...if so, take responsibility for your actions and do something about it...change yourself...next time he says he doesn't want to do something with you, don't get mad..then when he accuses you of being mad and calls you a liar, simply tell him it hurts your feelings when the man you love calls you a liar, kiss him and tell him your not mad. Tell him you value the marriage and your relationship with him to much to make a big deal about him not wanting to do something he doesn't want to do. And go do what you want.

I'll tell you this much, if you stop pushing him towards an affair, He may not have one. And if he has one, it will be totally his fault and he will be the bad guy...he (being a cop) won't like that too much. He'd probably take alot of flack from his buddies for it in the long run. I wouldn't "stop by the station" anymore. Give him his space and see what happens. See if he starts calling you instead. Let him make his own decisions and you go on with your life....

See, you can either be a couple of bickering babies or you can decide to be an adult. You married him...try to remember why...

Let him make some of the big decisions for now...see if he comes around. Relax and be happy with the life he provides for you and try to tell him so once in a while. Men need to be reminded that their wives appreciate them. And from the sound of it, your not really doing much of that. Instead it sounds like your very unsatisified and he may have decided that he will never be able to make you happy and so may have stopped trying. I know it sounds old fashioned....we women now-a-days have been raised to believe that we are equal with men (and we are, don't get me wrong) but sometimes we need to step back a bit....it can be intimidating for a man to feel like he can't do anything right...it's this very thing that sends guys running for the arms of another woman...even if it is just temporary. The grass isn't greener on the other side, but for a little while it can be jsut green enough to soothe a wounded pride. Take my word for it...this worked for me... a little submissiveness goes a long way...once I decided to show my husband that I was satisfied with the life he provided...he decided it wasn't good enough for a woman like me. I was too good to be living like he was making me live...and he pursued a better life for his family. He rose to the challenge and felt respected doing so...we have a much better relationship now than we used to have...trust me...give it a shot before you go running to a counselor to get them to tell him its all his fault.

Also about the ring thing, forget it!!! Unless that wedding ring is equipped with GPS tracking and a small webcam so you can keep track of him at all times....if he wanted to screw around, he would do so with or without it....and women who would mess with him will mess with him with or without the ring, too... We brand cattle to try to keep someone from being able to steal them, but cattle are stolen all the time with or without a brand...that wedding band is nothing more that a piece of gold and from the sound of it, I think he wants to keep it from getting messed up...you should try taking it that way...and thank him for valuing his wedding band that much...

Your quest for advice reminds me of my sister.

My twin sister has been married 18 years. She asked everyone for advice on her marriage when her husband was lying, doing drugs, spending all of their money. She cannot make deicisions on her own. She needs counseling.

Her marriage started out similar to yours. 18 years later of "sincere apologies" for each of his controlling disagreeable moments, he is still the same and my sister is still taking it. My mother never left my father who was a cheating man, looking for hookers was his preoccupation.

From my third-party point of view, I think the only way to teach men like this, ie liars and cheaters, a lesson is to leave them. Make it a separation first. I also would advise an honest attempt at individual counseling to find out where your head really is in all this. Your husband also needs counseling too. You need to know who you are and believe in yourself when you assert your desire to separate. Use this separation time to get yourself in gear for a divorce. Do not use it to think reconcilation. Your life will never change, no matter how many times he promises he will not change.

Love is not about apologies. It is about harmony, trust, and respect.

My 2 cents.