BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Tricky situation

Hi folks
This is my first post on this forum.
My situation is that I am happy and content with my current status (child-free in my mid thirties), happy with my life and unlikely to require to procreate in order to achieve a sense of fulfilment if my feelings so far have been anything to go by. By contrast my partner of 15 years has always wanted kids. We have talked and talked about it and respect one anothers' views and he feels strongly that he would rather be with me and have no kids than go and do it with someone else. He knows I have given it serious thought and not dismissed it out of hand.

That's all well and good. Now it turns out that one of his close relatives is leaving her husband because she wants another baby (she has one already) and the husband refuses to entertain the idea. She is coming out with some interesting ideas, one of which is "how can he love me if he won't do this for me". To me this makes no sense at all, and is as unrelated to the depth and nature of one person's love for another as whether or not they like spinach, or cats. It just doesn't work that way.
What really concerns me is that I can see my SO catching on to these ideas and thinking "well actually..." and I'm worried now that he'll start thinking this way about me.
We're otherwise very strong and happy as a couple. I must admit though this sort of thinking spooks me a bit. We've only discussed the situation once, which came to an abrupt end when he basically told me that my opinions on her situation weren't valid since I feel so differently and couldn't hope to understand her pov. I wonder if that means that the husband's views are not valid either? Clearly not, but I was upset by that attitude.
The relative is coming to stay soon and doubtless there'll be plenty of talk about it. She's tried to force feed me her evangelical ideas of motherhood before and simply cannot understand a different point of view. It drives me nuts and I am sick to death of the arrogance of people who seem to think they have a better knowledge of what goes on in my brain than I do
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This is a touchy subject, especially if the parties feel passionately about their opinions. I agree with you that love for your partner and bearing children do not necessarily go hand and hand, if they did sperm banks wouldn't exist. But the two also aren't completely unrelated. Whether or not to have kids is a big deal, if one partner really wants children and the other really doesn't than it is mostly likely going to be the end of the relationship.

Your partner�s relative is probably making such outrageous statement in order to make herself feel better about what she did and shift the blame on to him. Her claims of "He didn't love me" probably help her to sleep better at night.

If you see an argument coming out of her visit you can always refuse to talk about your point of view. Tell people that your sex life is none of their business and that you are offended that you would even ask. If she refuses to drop the topic and it is your home make her leave. It is your home and she would be rude to be offensive to her host. If you are not at your house than you can exercise your right to vacate the premises of course if your partner stay than he is open for her ideas with out you there to defend yours.

There are some rather snappy comebacks posted through out this forum you may want to check some of them out.

Kat said it just so. And if I might add... you can point out that having children just to satisfy your husband is NOT a healthy way for a mother to build a bond with her children. Yes there is some natural attachment through the physical closeness of the 9 month pregnancy, but that doesn't always mean an instant overwhelming desire to become mother-of-the-year is created. Look at how many women today foist their children off on Nannies or boarding schools, or just don't care about what they do. (And yes I realize there are some wonderful families that use Nannies and Boarding Schools, but some do it simply so their children won't be under their feet - i've met some of them!) <img src="/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

If one wants to get into the childish arguments of "you don't love me enough," it can go both ways. You could say "how could he not love me enough to not want me to have to go through childbirth and parenting?" Or you could say "Doesn't he love me enough, aren't I enough to make him happy so he doesn't need kids?" Etc. But why go down that route? If he tries to start with it, remind him that the knife cuts both ways as I said above, and ask him if he really wants to get into that.

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But it is not "him" that is the issue here it is the relative.

Perhaps, but Raj's concern is also that she's noticed that in hanging around with this relative, he's starting to adopt her attitude....so it would seem that responding to it eventually may be necessary.