BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need some help

Hi everyone.

I am new to this but figured I would give it a shot. Seems to be the only thing I have going for me at this time. I am married, and have been for a little over 3 years. Doesn't seem like a long time, but lately here it has felt like forever. I love my husband very much but there are times where we argue everyday for days on in. It wears me out to no end. I get angry when he talks down to me in person or in front of other people. I will be talking to him at work and he will just flat out say while people are in in office "WELL, THAT'S LIFE"!

I don't know why this has bothered me so much. Maybe I just want to be taken seriously and be respected? Oh and you know the "yes dear" phrase? The one where the voice drops and the eyes roll. That pisses me off to no end. [color:"purple"] [/color]

He says that we have "issues" because I am overly sensitive and he is all logical and doesn't have emotions. Can this be true? What can I do to stop this mess?
HELP!
<img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

Perhaps you could see a counselor to help both of you work on your communication issues. If he's talking down to you, that could be an indicator of emotional abuse or unresolved anger or well, any number of things. The "yes dear" response is sometimes a passive-aggressive response--he's agreeing passively (with sarcasm) but not agreeing with you, just trying to get out of the argument.

By the third year, the new has worn off and reality sets in and it is a time that makes or breaks many relationships.

Unless you married Mr. Spock, he has emotions. He's a human being, not a Vulcan. Men just don't react to their feelings as strongly as women, generally speaking. Put it this way, if he found out you were cheating, would he react logically? No jealousy, no hurt, no pain, no anger? Those are emotions (as is love!).

Anyway, consider the counseling. It is very logical--a third party can help both of you find out what you are really arguing about and figure out ways to compromise so that both of you get your needs met. They can teach you how to communicate productively and fairly.

Good luck!

Thank you so much for the advice. You are absolutely correct about the emotions thing. I happened to stumble across a website that listed needs, and had a questionaire that you can take to determine what each individuals needs are and if they are being met. I think we are going to do that too.

Sounds like me and my hubby. It took me years to figure things out. The first being "it takes two to argue". 2) I try to remain positive, as he is terribly negative 3) He wears blinders and does not see other important aspects, so I point these out to him. 4) I tell him "You know I love you, this is not about my feelings for you", and launch into what needs to be discussed. He is a poor communicator; I have to bring things up. 5)Choose your counselor carefully, the first one I went to (he would not go) did not help me, the next one (we both went) helped us both immensely. 6)Keep issues separate, some people clump everything together, that confuses things. 7) <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />What is his perception of marriage? My husband thinks marriage should be the way it was on tv in the 50's. He was born in 1955! We just celebrated our 20th anniversary, so I guess I am doing something right. And from what I have learned, there are a lot of men like him. Good luck with this.

I had the same problem with respect in my 1st marriage. my ex-husband liked to find topics where he could talk down to me, and completely ignore topics (or brush them off as unimportant)that I was knowledgeable in. It took me a long time to figure out that he was threatened by me! I was more intelligent than he was, but I had dropped out of college to marry him, so he felt superior. When I started going back to college, things got bad. The fact that I was earning 4.0s in classes like microbilogy and human A&P drove him nuts.

I'm not saying this so you can feel superior TO HIM, just so you can have your confidence while you try to work things out. Of course, you could go looking for some "well that's life" jokes on the internet, really surprise him! <img src="/images/graemlins/devil.gif" alt="" /> (please don't tell me what the counselor says after that)

I too seem to be suffering from this strange afflictin that has strickened my marriage. It's always been there, but oh so much more now. Mine doesn't talk down to me per say, its more like he's projecting his anger with himself, his family, his work, etc... all on me and me alone. Things that are obviously his fault.. (ie: water gets turned off because he said he paid bill when he didn't,) yes this can quickly be turned info MY fault and non of his. AWAYS can point the finger of blame and fault on me.

THAT sounds like there is something way bigger than just the small issues that are going wrong. I mean it almost sounds like he is feeling either guilty or completly overwhelmed by something and can't deal with it so takes it out on you. Men seem to deal w/ depression in such different ways than women (I'm not sying thay's what it is, just a suggestion). But they tend to get angry instead of sad- because anger is the "stronger" emotion. Find some way to do some counseling, either a therapist, family counselor, pastor, whatever.

I am not sure why society puts such a stigma on getting help with our marriages. We have helplines from Dell for computers, Nokia for our phones, heck there's even a helpline from Butterball to help you cook your turkey! But yet we are supposed to take one of the most important and sacred areas of our lives, our marriage - hopefully to our lifemate, and muddle through it all by ourselves and never ask for help. It drives me crazy to see people roll their eyes and say "oh they're in marriage counseling." and then 3 months later the eye-rollers are the ones with the divorce attorneys. Coincidence? Hmmmmmmm.

Sorry, there's my rant for the week, it wasn't intended for any of y'all, but for anyone that might try to talk you out of counseling (INCLUDING YOUR HUSBANDS!)
<img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

I agree with you completely. I've gone to counseling a few times in my life and LOVED it! (I enjoyed having "the captive audience!" lol) My friends listen and try to help, but they are all on my side so it doesn't help any cause he doesn't like their advice cause ... they are all on my side. (so in his mind, any advice from them would benifit me only and screw him) I got him to agree to counseling once (by threatening divorce if he didn't) I even had HIM pick the person out so that he couldn't fall back on ... "he/she was a quack, and you picked them." We both went seperately for three times so she could get a feel for what was really going on between us. We went to our first (and only) joint session and 15 min into it he got mad at HER, (for something totally crazy) and stormed out of the session. When I bring up counseling now its. "Been there, done that, didn't work". The sad thing is I know he loves me and DOES NOT want to lose me, and I Love him and dread living a life without him in it, but it's gotten so bad, (and he can't pull his head out long enough to see what's about to happen if he doesn't get any help. I think there may be a bi/poler problem or something like that. But he won't even talk about something like that. I don't want to leave him,. but it's getting so bad that I'm going to have to for my sanity/sake and my children. I have two sons 15 and 21 from a prev. marriage that most of the time he's okay with, but when he gets mad at me, (or himself or whoever it is that's [censored] him off) he takes it out on them also. Mainly behind their back, talking bad to me about them, (which kills me inside) but sometimes he can't control it and goes off at them. BTW, this is all verbal, nothing physical, thank God, even though sometimes the pyschological stuff hurts way worst then the physical. Anyway, we have three children that are ours, (5 yr old twin boys and a 3 yr old little girl). They don't need to grow up thinking its okay to talk to the person you are suppose to love and cherish, the way they see their dad talk to me. <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

And okay, I'll bite... why you, what DID you do to deserve this? LOL

It is actually the 1st line from a song I'm writing and the basis of my prayers. When I 1st started going thru my depression (mine is chemical as well as situational) I felt like God was either causing or at least allowing bad things to happen. i kept finding myself saying, "Why me, what did I do to deserve this?" Then one day it hit me, there is a ton of stuff in my life to be thankful for, not the LEAST of which is my salvation, the fact that Jesus gave his life for me. So now the entire statement goes, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? How can I be worthy of this gift?" <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />

You know, it may take something drastic to get your husband's attention! But you might want to attend counseling on your own 1st and get a professional opinion. I'm just a woman that's "been there, done that" <img src="/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Good luck with everything, I'll keep you and your children in my prayers.