BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Frustrated... Confused...

I have been sitting on this for some time.

Things are getting to the point where I Can't stand it any longer.

Where to begin?

I started a new job ayear and a half ago. From the first day of training, a woman caught my eye. FInally, I introduced myself to her. We started talking, and I found out we have quite alot in common.

She's a single mom with 2 daughters. SHe's really active, both with herself, and her daughters. She's involved in all kinds of sports. It's amazing she has time for anything!

Anyhow, she became rather enamored with me. And I her. THe problem was I was in a relationship, so I didn't do anything about it. I also hid the fact that I was in a relationship from her. I had never really intended to get serious with her, unless I wasn't in a relationship. I am not the type of person to cheat on my girlfriend. But I also wanted to see where things would go, this girl felt different.

Anyhow, we flirted and chatted for about 2 months. Then someone told her the fact that I have a girlfriend.
Things stopped cold. She confronted me on this and I told her what my head was saying.

My head says that this woman would be a GOOD friend, but nothing more. She's a born again christian. I am agnostic. I want to believe in god, etc, but I Can't push myself to believe something I have no direct evidence of.
i was also in a relationship. So I told her that I just wanted to be friends, that if I was single, I would date her, but that I had some reservations because we are co workers. I appologized for leading her on. She told me that I turned her head in a major way, and that not many men do that for her.

She didn't talk to me for 6 months (I can't say I blame her!).

I feel bad about what happened. In fact I haven't stopped beating myself up over it...

Finally we started talking again. But I have to initiate all contact. There is ALOT of tension between us when we talk to each other. I do thoughtful things for her, but with respect to friendly boundaries (though I admit I am probably a little friendlier than maybe I ought to be).

Anyhow, I can't stop thinking about this person. She's an awesome mom. She's VERY active (she mtn bikes, races dirt bikes competitively, plays softball, coaches her daughters softball team, is a youth group leader with her church etc).

She's the most amazing person I have ever met.
She's also the woman of my dreams.

The problem is, she thinks that I am just her frined (though I think she suspects more).

In recent months, things have changed in my personal life. I don't have a girlfriend any more.

I want to tell her how I feel about her.
BUt I think I've blown it.
I admit, I screwed up.

BUt my feelings are tearing me apart.

Last night, she was at her first motocross competition. She told me about it, and I Asked if she was cool if I came. She said yes, she was cool with it.

Anyhow, I went into the pits, and chatted with her. She was like 'you don't have to keep me company if you don't want to' I told her that I was suitably entertained either chatting with her, or watching the motoCross, anjd I figured that she needed some friendly support.

Anyhow, After her race she went to the bleachers. I was walking past, and she called me. I came up and sat next to her for a whiles. AS the night drew on, I fought every fiber of my being from either sliding my arm around her, or holding her hand.
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When the race was over, I gave her a quick hug and then we both left.

When I got home, I cried myself to sleep.
I don't know what to do.

My heart is telling me to tell her how I feel. And to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to be with her.

My head says to keep my distance. That I will just get hurt in the end.

Do I tell her how I Feel?
Do I try to forget her and move on?

Thanks.

I would tell her how you feel...imagine if you don't and she moves on...will you always regret not letting her know? Do you want her to be the one that got away? I know it is hard to know what to do! I am the queen of that. I would want to know that at least I told her how I felt and not regret for the rest of my life not letting her know. Good luck!! Connie

Just ask her out. You are free to do so now. She can either accept or decline.

Live in the moment--not in the past, reliving how you screwed up by withholding information, and not in the future where you anticipate you'll get your payback by being dumped. Life offers constant opportunities for happiness but many people beat it away with doubt and fear. Step up there and ask for what you want. You might not get it, but at least you'll have tried. Then, you can move on without an undying ember scorching all future relationship opportunities.

On the other hand, she's not shut you out completely. Perhaps she's waiting for you to tell her you that you like her and would like to spend some time with her.

Good Luck,

[color:"purple"]well, just tell her how you feel. i'd also apologize again for your previous behaviour (never hurts and she'll be thinking about it anyway).

why don't you suggest getting together after work for a cup of coffee, or maybe a late dessert? that will give you an opportunity to talk with her about how you feel. be upfront & totally honest...touch on what happened before, remind her that you'd always been interested in something more than friendship, acknowledge that you handled the fact that you had a girlfriend at the time incorrectly and tell her you had a great time at the race. AND thank her for including you in it!! let her know you'd like to take things to the next level & start dating.

give her time to digest all this...iow, don't push her for an answer immediately if she doesn't want to give you one.

follow up with a nice bouquet of flowers delivered to her house (or the workplace, if you'd be comfortable with that) include a little note that says something like 'i was thinking about our conversation the other day, just wanted to let you know i'm thinking about you and that i was sincere in what i said'.

nothing gained if nothing tried!! remember to be honest tho!!! good luck!! [/color]

I know it's been a while.

I finally got the courage to tell her how I feel.
It didn't go as well as I wanted, but I said what I needed to.

Long story short, she doesn't feel the same way. She's moved on. Heck, it's been a year and a half, I can't say I blame her. I asked her if it would have made a difference if I'd have told her at the motocross event I went to with her. She said it wouldn't have.

She did tell me that it took alot of courage to do what I did, and that she has alot of respect for me for coming clean. She has indicated that she wants to be friends, that she really wants to do some things, such as caving, and 4 wheeling with me, but with the understanding that it's only as friends. I told her that it might be some time before we can do that, but that I would love to do these things with her.

Oh well.

Can't say that it hurts any less..

I was thinking about sending her a small bouquet of yellow roses. Any input?

Thanks for all your input.

Hmm, well she has moved on right now, but you never know what could happen in the future. She sounds like an amazing woman, the kind you don't meet everyday. You admitted to her you messed up and said you were sorry, and she seems to have accepted it. The fact that she still wants to be friends speaks a lot, but I'm sure there is still a part of her that doesn't trust you. She saw how you behaved when you were with your last girlfriend and she probably doesn't want you acting like that if she were to date you. I think you need to just give this time, be her friend, show her that she can trust you, and hope for the best. In the end, even if you never end up with her, at least you will still have this amazing woman in your life.

Oh and I'm not so sure about the flowers, I usually don't get flowers from my male friends unless something has happened in my life. I think she may feel uncomfortable or perhaps like you are trying to push a relationship on her. This may also make it seem like you had no respect for what she told you, or that you just plain didn't listen. It could also look like you don't have that much respect for relationships because you have already disrespected your own previous relationship and now by trying to be more than friends when she is in a relationship of her own you may be sending the wrong signals. Again, I stress, be her friend, show her that she can trust you, and show her that you do resepct relationships, both hers and your own.

I'm sure you have some more great advice coming your way! I wish you all the best, keep us updated!

I definitely agree with Linnea.

Also, keep in mind that if she has children, whomever she dates is likely going to be involved with them as well. So it will take a lot of trust (and possibly time) to be built up for her to be willing to toss someone out of their lives, and someone new in. (Speaking from experience here!)

And who knows, as you work on the friendship thing, you may find out that's what you really want anyway, or meet someone who has more in common with you. The religion issue is no small thing to sneeze at.

Thanks for your input Linnea & Michelle! I appreciate it.

I was thinkign the small bouquet of yellow roses as a symbol of friendship. (as opposed to RED roses). But that's probably not the greatest idea.

In thinking about what I said to her, I think I might have scared her.

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Dangerbob,
You know she may have been taken aback by all that you shared with her, but any girl would be flattered.. especially after what she said you had been to her, but I can't say it any better than Linnea. If she is in a relationship, you will have to wait it out and be prepared for a lifelong friendship, but if she isn't in a serious relationship and still said she had moved on, it could be that her ego is very bruised as well.
Bottom line, you need to reestablish trust. Just do what the ladies above say, and no flowers! A gift that would be useful to her in racing or something like that would be a better friendship gift.
Take care of you,
H

The fact that you are agnostic will be a huge problem. Do you really want to believe in God? I can prove that to you in short order. If you really want to believe, ask. Then you will be able to talk to this woman. God can show you love and you will become a light that she will be drawn to. Interested?