While I may never have the guts to use some of these, they always make me feel good to read.
When are you going to have children?
Would you like an invitation to the conception?
What involves my (insert you choice term for your crotch here) is not of concern to you.
You are asking me to discuss my sex life with you! How rude!
I'll answer that if you tell me if you take it up the [censored].
Why don't you want children?
The voices in my head told me not too.
My pets are allergic to them.
I don't want to ruin my sex life
Because I don�t want them. Sometimes the simplest things are hard to comprehend, so I understand that you may be confused, but the reason I don�t want them really is just because I don�t.
No one demands a reason for someone having children, at least not the first few and if the parents are of a decent age, so why should I give a reason for not having them?
You'll change your mind.
I have two little secrets I�m going to let you in on, okay? One is about me and one is about people in general. First, I am not changing my mind and I can say this because I have been inside my head living with myself and my thoughts and my reactions and my feelings for (--) years and you are just an outsider who would like to foolishly believe you are somehow superior to me when it comes to knowing myself and predicting my actions. Second, the more you tell someone they will do something they don�t want to do, be it getting married or changing jobs or taking out the trash or mowing the lawn or fixing the roof or cleaning the gutters or calling that person back or, gee, changing their mind on a choice that really makes them feel wonderful, the less inclined they are to do what you want. Contemplate that for a while, okay?
Okay, where are you hiding the crystal ball?
And Bush will find the weapons.
Men love a pregnant woman! (yes, I have heard people say that one far too many times)
Oh, hold on, I think I just heard my SO vomit. Yes, that is what I just heard.
What if your mother/mother in law wants children?
She can turn to her other children. If there are no others or they are also childfree, she can turn to science and try again and hope that she can get a few grandchildren out of her triple-headed IVF brood of seven.
So, when will you give me grandkids?
Well, I refuse to push one out of my [censored] and so far I have been unsuccessful at pushing one out of my [censored]. If you give me a moment in the bathroom I�ll try one more time.
After you are dead. I don�t want your bad influence on my children.
You are going against God!
Everyone kept telling me to find Jesus, so one day I was looking for Jesus and found him under my bed. I said, �Hello.� And he said, �Hi.� I asked him, �Should I have a baby?� He said, �No.� I said, �Thank you, Jesus.� He said, �You�re welcome. Goodbye.�
Having a kid changes everything.
I agree. That is why I won't have any.
You are selfish.
By not having children I have given one extra desk at a school, thousands fewer diapers in a landfill, thousands less pads if I were to have had a girl, many more trees, many more animals, one less car in the traffic jam, and so on. My not having children benefits you, your children, and your possible grandchildren. How am I selfish?
Selfish is having children out of a false sense of duty/to have someone to love you/replicate yourself and not out of a true and active desire to properly shape another human being.
Doesn't holding my baby/being around my kid make you want one?
No.
It�s not that cute.
Your kid? Uh�
Actually, it just makes me think of aliens.
It makes me not want one.
Your kid is a monster.
To be honest, I think it�s gross. Look at the flaking scalp, runny and crusty nose�
You're next!
Come with me to the next funeral I need to attend so I can say that to you.
Don't you feel like less of a woman?
Only when I stand over a mirror and inspect my balls.
