BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When did you first decide to be Child Free?

I can't say there was an age that I decided to not have children but I do know there was never a time in my life that I did want them. When I see a person/couple in the grocery store with a screaming child I can't help but ask myself "why would anyone do that to themselves?" I thank God that I never have to go through that. I too am constantly told by other that I will change my mind but my man has gotten a vasectomy so children for us is not going to happen. I think his mother secretly resents me for it. She desperately wanted many grandkids and since he is an only child (his brother died at age 6) her dream is dead. Luckily for her he was irresponsible at age 15, before he made the no (more) kids decision, and gave her a grandchild then. I know my mother is disappointed my my decision but it is something that she has learned to accept. She has a granddaughter from my brother and two step granddaughters (from my bros woman and my man).

I can recall a time when I did want kids. Probably 20 or so. Then my friends started to have kids. I was the only married one at 20 but they were all popping them out one after another. I saw so many awful changes in their lives. They were always tired, no money, no time to themselves, houses a wreck. I realized that I just was not interested in that. I like my house clean and quiet. I have chronic migraines and I can only imagine having to deal with a screaming child with a migraine. I know that people say my husband and I are selfish but they are jealous and I know misery loves company. I made the decision. I don't regret it at all. My husband has a vasectomy and it has been over a year now. I know his mother at least was resentful..(who knows if she still is). He has 2 brothers.. I don't know why the responsibilty should lie on me. His oldest brother is .. well it is impolite to speak ill of ones family so I will not say.. and his middle brother has one daughter but they live out of state. Maybe if I had moved away before we did the Vas she would have felt better about it. I just shake my head. I know my life is for me.. not anyone else.

I decided to be CF when i realized that i had a choice! it sounds weird but it was when i went to counseling a year and a half ago and the subject of kids came up and my counselor said " you didn't know you had a choice?" no i really didn't. as an only child i was racked with guilt about not wanting children.i knew i didnt' want any but i didnt' know that i could actually choose not to have one and that i didn't have to make my parents happy by having one. i can't tell you how freeing that was to hear. after that i was honest with myself and soon with other people with how i felt. i must admit that i haven't had a heart to heart with my parents but deep down i think they know how my husband and i feel. they havent' bugged us about it in a long time which is good.
i must say that now i really enjoy being CF and all that being CF has to offer. i know that i'm making the right choice for me!
indigo

I wanted kids--or thot I did--as a child and teen and then in my twenties reality hit me hard with a genetic disease and seing what happened to my sister's children and taking a good true look at my cousins and even my friends. So for a few years it was not a decision so much as it was imposed on me. But then at age 27, still single, a few things happened to me. I grew an inch taller, gained a cup size and a shoe size (??) and realized I did not WANT children. I didn't want the body changes or risks with normal pregnancy and certainly not the ones in my own case. I thot 'ick dark nipples and stretch marks' and then I also realized that at that time I was not even sure I LIKED children! And this from the Greatest Babysitter of all time--who wanted to be a teacher! I just had enough. In my early 30's I took on a 'friend's' troubled and health-challenged teenage son and daughter thru foster care. It was a disaster for the 'friendship' but the kids benefitted and I started to like kids again, but I never got back that WANTING any of my own. I met my husband at 34, and his parents are totally obsessed with having grandchildren. To the point that it has nearly broken us up a few times and has even resulted in handcuffs and crisis intervention...(but that is another story for the "I HATE MY INLAWS" forum)
Anyway, he can't stand kids. But he is still under the societal pressure to reproduce, so I never know exactly what is going to come out of his mouth when he is confronted with it. He is a mess, it will take years of therapy before he would ever be emotionally in a position to be a father, even tho I am sure he would make a better one than his father was/is even now. Some people should not breed. If you have to take two tests to get a license to drive a car then why the heck can anyone get pregnant and have babies? I took CLASSES to be a foster mother to fix what didn't come naturally with their biological one--if that class was taught in 2nd grade on -we would not need foster care! anyway, I am 42 now and childfree and do not regret one second of not being able to have kids and then choosing not to even if I could/should! I am happy, and child free.
RavynG

I decided to be childfree (well, leaning a lot towards it, actually) when I spent a vacation with some relatives, including a couple with an annoying kid and a childfree couple. The CF couple looked so much happier. The two parents could not go anywhere.

Only until I found this site did I begin to take true pride in being CF. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think I really gelled my decision to stay child free when all of my FRIENDS and FAMILY (sister, sister-in-law) and even COWORKERS started having kids. And around the same time, new neighbors moved in with three bratty kids that I just could not STAND being around.

I'm 32 so it's just been in the past 5 years or so my peers started having children. I've never been crazy about kids and never had a huge desire to have them, but kinda thought I might some day. Then when those close to me started having them and I saw - REALLY SAW - how much their lives changed (and not for the better in my opinion), I knew it was not for me.

My sister-in-law has two very bratty children that I do not enjoy being around. She has given up her career and her life for these kids. Her life is defined by being a mother, and only that. In my mind, that is really sad. In fact, it makes me think she must have been a very shallow and uninteresting person to begin with.

My own sister is brilliant and highly educated, but also has re-defined herself as a Mom and only a Mom. Plus, her husband had 'trouble identifying with the child/new life' and went off and had an affair when the baby was 11 months old!

On the flipside, I am proud of my own very successful career in which I challenge myself every day. My husband and I have a great lifestyle, we can be spontaneous and go out all the time, we travel around the world, and we have the time and energy to continue to grow and learn as individuals.

We don't have as many people who can up and go to happy hour on a moments' notice, and our friends keep getting younger and younger, but don't tell me that our pro-child parent friends aren't jealous of the fun, carefree and interesting life we live (vs. watching The Wiggles over and over).

In many ways, I think the decision NOT to have children proves we all stopped to think very carefully about it first. Hooray for us!

Problems arise (losing sanity, extramarital affairs, etc.) when people doo't think things through like we do. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know I didn�t want kids since ever, however exactly like You�ve stated �Only until I found this site did I begin to take true pride in being CF�.

I love this forum. I think it was a couple of years ago, when I was 39, married for about 2 years, and thought I wanted to have a baby, but then about it some more and decided that I do not really want to be a mother. What I really wanted was a career change. So I am back in college at 41.

I think some people become parents because it is the easiest way to prove to society and themselves that they are "someone". Many people have the "sheep" mentality and simply do not question anything and just go with the flow. I believe it's what some religions, politicians and marketing people count on to gain popularity.

Gotta say, finding a forum populated by like-minded people has been a godsend to me. it's done a lot to help me come to terms with who I am and to finally stop apologising to those who think I am sub-normal.

I can't say I've ever really wanted kids. Watching my sister bring her two up alone didn't change that one bit - all I saw was hardship, compromise and misery. Oh, and lots of shouting.

It's only very recently that I've actually seen examples of good parenting that make me think "oh! So *that's* what it's all about" and I do enjoy seeing them with their kids. However, the thought of doing that all day every day with no escape, no parole, no freedom, well. It's a noose I don't want around my neck, thanks all the same.