BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When did you first decide to be Child Free?

Hi, I just recently found this forum, and what a relief to see that there are women out there with the same thoughts as me, and I'm not an "oddball"

I'm 24, have been with my b/f for 6 years. We have a house together and a dog and a cat and MANY fish and hermit crabs. They're all our "kids". I can't say I've ever had the urge to have kids, and always sort of dreded the thought of it. I thought as I got older it would change. But as I got older, friends of mine started getting married, and having kids. I thought the more I was around them maybe the more it would "spark the urge" in me... actually, quite the opposite happened. Recently my brother and long-time g/f had a baby (not planned) and I know they wern't ready, or wanting, to have a child at this point... and now they seem absolutely miserable. I guess that was a big wake-up call to me. Everyone else said that it changes when you have kids, even if you didn't want them... but I don't see that happening for them, and I can see myself being the same way.

It really got me thinking about childbearing, and the harder I thought, the more adament I was that I DIDN'T want to have kids and the thought has been consuming me terribly. I finally decided to have a discussion about it with my b/f, and to my surprise as soon as I mentioned it he happily agreed. As it turned out, he'd been thinking the same thing but wasn't sure how/if to tell me.

It's a huge relief. Now I know I'm only 24, but at my current stage in life (student, moving soon, new career, etc) I'm not going to be having kids for a few years, even if I wanted to. Now maybe I am "too young" to make this decision, but for those of you who are CF, at what point in your life did you consciously decide to be CF, or did it just sort of happen? (ie. time just continued to pass until it was too late)

Thanks for listening.

I think I had fallen into the "YOU WILL HAVE CHILDREN SOME DAY" trap and just assumed one day I would, though I had no boyfriend at the time, I just had this vague picture of my future. Then I met my husband, and things got serious, and we just sort of agreed that kids weren't for us.

Then I started to look back on my life, and how I hated babysitting but I only did it because I was under 16 and couldn't get a "real" job. And how important my career and education always was to me, and what my plans were for my professional future. And how much I LOVE to travel. And how museum curators don't make too much money and we couldn't realistically afford kids AND the lifestyle we wanted.

All of this was so obvious to me, looking back!

I do have a strange quote in my journal, before my husband proposed, that said he would "make a wonderful father someday." Don't know where that came from! And after having major surgery to remove a 12 pound fibroid tumor, I remember screaming, after hearing that they didn't have to remove my uterus, "we can still have babies!" to my husband, who was still my boyfriend at the time. Also strange to me! Of course, I was heavily medicated at the time! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My guess is I just went with it until it was time to face the music and actually start planning a family or not.

And in the end, I realized it just wasn't for me!

I am lucky, because my husband and I didn't really talk about it in terms of "will we or won't we?" It just sorta happened we were on the same page! And I'll tell you what -- I am SOOOO thankful for that! I get lots of email from people who are struggling with this in their marriages, and it is tough. My advice to anyone who isn't married yet -- TALK ABOUT IT FIRST! It will save so much heartache down the line.

I am only 29 (30 is in less than a month!), and I was married at 24, so I don't think you are "too young" to decide. If you think you might change your mind later, that is perfectly OK! The only decision that is truly permanent comes AFTER you have a child.

Kim
MNK Editor

I can't ever remember a time where I wanted kids. But until around age 14 or 15 it just didn't occur to me that having kids was a choice to make. Once I started dating, I knew for sure that I never wanted them.

So, to answer your question, I'd say 15. For years I endured the "Oh, you'll change your mind" comments. However, I took matters into my own hands at age 22 and had my tubes tied. I wasn't even dating anyone at the time but I had to have a procedure done anyway so my doctor did it while she was in there. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

After that it was just a matter of telling my prospective dates that I wasn't having kids and that was it. Many relationships never got started or ended after one or two dates because of it, but I'm glad considering how wonderful my husband it. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We've been married seven years and love each other more and more every day. I've never had a moment of regret!

I grew up saying I wanted kids. When I was 20 I wanted 5 of them. Thinking back, I laugh at my young, naive self that lived more in a dream world then reality. It wasn't until after a long term relationship of 4 years ended that I started really getting to know myself and seriuosly contemplating what I wanted to do with my life - travel and have a successful career. But, I was so in debt I felt I had no idea what direction to go in.

When I would talk to people about it they seemed to snicker at the travel part, I personally think it was because now that they have kids they don't see that in their future and were a bit envious, but who knows! Then I found they'd always mention that if you wait til you can afford to have kids you'll never have them. It would really frustrate me because I wasn't saying that I was so in debt that I couldn't afford them, it was just part of my life I was discussing with them and sharing that because I put myself in debt I wasn't able to live the life I really wanted. Plus, why would you choose to have kids, in this day and age, if you can't afford them. But, that is another issue <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think I was about 25 when I decided they weren't for me, and shortly after is when I met my soon to be husband. After our first month of dating he brought up the topic and told me how he had no interest in having them and felt it was better I know that now than after getting too seriuos. I was SO excited, I felt it was meant to be. We have now been happily married for 5 1/2 years and I'm very happy with the decision I have made for my life. I feel it was the right one.

Sad to say my family has not accepted my decision and can only think back to when I was 20 and said I wanted 5 kids. They can't appreciate my growth and path I've chosen in life and it has made things hard. They blame my husband for it and have made comments that I used to be such a strong person. It really hurts, but maybe one day they will understand that people evolve and can make one even stronger then they have ever been.

Thanks for sharing all of this with me. I really do feel better about my decision right now. Staci, I'm sorry to hear that your family has been so hard on you about it. I haven't said anything to my, or my b/f's family about our thoughts. Honestly I don't think my side will care much, they might be a little dissapointed, but oh well. I know my b/f's side will likely be horrified. He has two other siblings, who are married and have several young kids and everyone just seems to be so "kid-happy" right now we'd likely be bombarded if we mentioned what we were thinking. I think if enough time goes by, then maybe they'll just realize it on their own! I really don't feel like being harassed about it though, so we're gonna keep it quiet for now.

I have known since I was around 13 or 14 that I didn't want kids. I just never had the desire but wow, did everyone tell me that I would change my mind! Well, I never did. Thank goodness I didn't listen to those idiots. I see what a parent's life is like, and many have said to me that line I'm sure many of you have heard, "I love my kids, but if I had it to do over..."
After listening to constant complaints about their kids,I have asked a few parents to name the good things about having kids. The response was unanimous: They all became angry with me and refused to discuss it further.

I am glad this forum is here. Having come from a life where I have seen gilrs pregnant when they were thirteen, and most of my friends go through 2 and 3 marriages by the time they are 30 with kids from all. I think my life with my husband is super. We go camping, fishing, hiking, deep sea fishing and have no worries finally for once in our lives. Someone told me people who don't have children are selfish. I replied people who do have children and leave the burden on society to provide for them are selfish. She snorted at me and said everyone needs to have children. I told her no they don't. Have you seen how many children are abused, molested or neglected by their OWN parents. She stomped away from me. If I don't want kids and my husband doesn't want kids. Is that against the law? There are too many people on earth now anyway.
It is true to that every single person I know with kids, whines and complains that they can't go out, their house is a mess, they can't afford to lose one more day at work, the baby's sick again...blah, blah blah. I stand there never getting a word in edgewise and then when they finally decide to include me in the conversation always say..you should have one, you'd be a great mom. I just say, the way you make it sound I'd be in jail for locking my kid in a closet for some peace. They always laugh and say Oh no you wouldn't you'd be great. HA!!! If I don't want them then how could I be great? I am confused. Thank God for all of you who understand whew--my older sister and I were beggining to think there was something wrong with us. Our mother blames herself, saying if she had never divorced my father we wouldn't feel this way. Tt's ridiculous, my younger sister has two kids and it obviously isn't enough for her. Sigh.

I too am relieved. I am so tired of hearing the question when are you going to have a child? I could scream! The few times I have told people I don't want one they look at me like I murdered their mother.

I am 41 and I am still waiting for the desire to have a child to kick in. I have wondered for years if there is something wrong with me. I have known since the age of about 9, that I did not want children. The odd part is I babysit, I am great with kids and teens alike. I have a blast with them, they always get along with me, I love children, I just do not have a desire to have my own. I am so obsessed with my lack of "motherly instincts" that it caused me to search for the reason online, it is how I found this site.

I wish there were a way to tell others not to ask that question, because frankly my sex life is none of their business and secondly, because though my case is not for health reasons, they don't know if it is a touchy subject!

I am glad to know I am not alone...

I too do not want kids. I am 26, married for 4 years, have 2 great danes, 5 cats and am a Pediatric nurse. I work with kids of all ages (from preemies to 18+). I used to be a labor and delivery nurse. As a child I played with the dolls, played like I was pregnant, yada, yada. Even during my engagement we always said "when we have kids." We always planned on waiting at least 5 years before we had the first though. Well, here we are at 4 years and I am about to get my tubes tied. I have no desire to be a mother. Some people look at me with pity, some say I will change my mind. To me, motherhood is a career path that I am not interested in taking. I enjoy being able to pick up and go, make my own schedule, and not worry about finances (retirement is enough for me to worry about without worrying about college tuition on top of that)! There are many other reasons for me, but I am happy and more than content being a "mom" to my animals (the Danes are so much fun), being a wife, working when I want, and enjoying my freetime as I please! No regrets. I enjoy children, I just like to hand them back at the end of the day.

I decided when I was 9 years old, because living with my 3-year-old little sister was a nightmare. She was a little brat really, screaming all the time, at all hours of the day and night. Constantly running around with my mother chasing after her. Always getting hurt not because my mother wasn't watching but because she was accident prone, as was I. She has grown into a wonderful woman, my sister, but seeing firsthand what a mother has to do really turned me off on motherhood and I decided then at 9 years old that if there was any way I could get out of having children, then I would not have any. And I am happily childfree today. I like to tell people that my biological clock is broken.

For you women out there who take verbal beatings because of not having children, just remember that these people are jealous of us, our freedom, our extra time, our extra money that they don't have. And please, take up for yourself when they start playing "breeder bingo," by saying things like every woman should have children, etc. That philosophy is dead wrong.

Be proud of yourself for making the right decision for yourself! I know I am proud of you, and us.

Candy