BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence How do I counsel my friend who is being abused?

Hi I'm new here and I'm desperate for some advice. I have a friend who is mentally controlled and abused. I have just recently found out from her that her has also been physically abusive. I have told her passionally that she needs to leave. She had started making steps to do this. I found out today that our church sent her to a marriage conferece. She told me that she is giving him another chance! I am devestated and don't know what else to do for her?? any advice!? [color:"red"] [/color] [color:"red"] [/color] [color:"red"] [/color] <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

The best thing that you can do for her, would be to continue to comfort her and be there for her. Many times, when people told me to leave my abuser, I wouldn't do it, it only drove me to him even more. It is a consciousness that she must come to herself. If she is open to receiving resource information, you can write down local numbers of agencies that can assist her, as well as national agencies. You can encourage her and tell her that you are worried about her and that you love her. But, ultimately the decision is there. I recommend that you continue to just be there for her, just as you are doing. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Take care.

WHen I was in my relationship, I used to hate it when someone would tell me "Just leave" or "why do you put up with it". It took 4 months of planning for me to actually leave him or more appropriately, get him out of my apartment. The best thing that my best friend did for me was listen and offer help in subtle ways. One day we went to the library and he started a conversation with a police officer about restraining orders and getting a violent person removed from somewhere. The officer knew he was askign these questions for me. The next day, my friend took me to file a restraining order. Then the day my ex was taken out of my home and later that afternoon arrested for violating it, he stayed with me until I felt safe enough to be by myself with the kids. Helping in subtle ways will help her. DOn't ask to many questions, let her tell you in her time.

Just be there for her. The most important thing that I could have done for my best friend who was being abused was realize that I could not take control of her or the situation. My first (and second and third) inclination when she finally told me what was going on was to hop on a plane, rent a truck, and drive her and her stuff back across the Mississippi as far away from him as possible. But I realized if I did that, if I was her "hero", if I made those decisions for her, not only would they not be hers and most likely not stick, but then how much better am I than the person abusing her--taking away her freedoms from her, making her feel like she has no control or say in her life, not valuing her decisions, etc. I got very good at meditating. You also need to strike a balance between listening and being supportive, but not indulging. Draw your own lines too because you are in for a long ride and you will get worn out and impatient, but stick it out. It is worth it. You can also get her information (but be careful to convey this information in a safe way, perhaps sending it to her work rather than home address).

And remember, a woman tries to leave on average seven times before she finally walks out for good. (I called my DV shelter and talked to someone too, that helped me)

Forcing your advice on her will not be productive. If you let her know that you re there whenever she needs you, that should work. Let her take the decision herself. Whenever she talks, liten to her attentively.