BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Self Development Grieving

I've just written and posted an Article on Grieving. http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art11982.asp What are the 5 stages of grief that occur when experiencing loss? How do you heal from grief and what is part of the normal grieving process? This compassionate and informative article provides encouragment and hope.

Feel free to chime in on the process of grief, or share your own personal experience with grief and what has helped you.

Venting is also welcome. I'd like to create a safe place for you to share how you really feel as you cope with loss.

Thank you, Janet. That article was wonderful to read and spot on! Having experienced a loss very early in life, i can say that those are the exact stages one goes through. Though it takes many, many years. For me, it took 10 years. I wrote an essay for my senior english class 2 years ago about acheiving peace. Here's an excerpt:

Lastly, a depiction of finding one�s inner peace is my own personal struggle of overcoming the death of a very dear friend. The day was to be momentous, though I never thought about or felt it. Out of the car I was swept laughing, my father tickling me and laughing as well. There we stood upon the threshold of the doorway, still grinning at each other. The doorbell rang once and slowly my mother opened the door; her face long and sad, her eyes red and puffy from crying. Instantly the smile faded from my face, and she stooped down to embrace me. As she hugged me she whispered two words in my ear, �She�s gone�. The weight of this news hit me like a ton of bricks. I was shocked, motionless, speechless, standing there as if the whole world stopped. I knew who it was when she said those two words � I knew at once who it was. Though my heart told me, I had suppressed it up until that point. That night my tears were as abundant as the stars. A few days later I found myself in the cold and wet weather. I walked to her grave mechanically, holding a flower. I was numb from the inside out, but not from the cold. Her casket was lowered into the ground, and I silently wept as I said my final goodbyes. I was only seven years old. To this day I can recount everything that happened those few days. The pain has been scratched into my soul forever. I can�t tell you the number of times I have cried myself to sleep, have broken down sobbing because of the memories, have felt weak and forsaken. It is something I don�t talk about often. The pain isn�t gone � it never will be, but I can live with it now. When her death was still fresh, I was mad all the time. Mad at her because she left me. Mad because I wanted to go with her. Over time, the madness left me, and though I still weep for her, still feel pain; I know that it is because I still love her. The physical body may die, but the spirit lives on in our minds. I have made my peace within myself, and I accept grim reality for what it is. If life is to go on, then peace needs to be found, starting from within.

I also wrote a poem about the pain i felt. Actually two, though the second was also for my grandfather:

MEMOIRS OF MOURNING

I woke the same as every other night,
Crying, my heart full of anguish and torment.
Dreams have been plaguing me,
Ever since that fateful day ten years ago,
The pain has never lessened.

But this time,
It�s grief that guides me to your house,
In the frigid torrent of rain.
The rain makes rivulets of water in my hair.
The water cascades off my shoulders onto the ground,
Much like it did so long ago.

The drops make little mirrors around my feet,
Exposing my agonized soul as if it were for sale.
Memories, so many memories come flooding back,
My hot tears make their slithering descent,
As gravity pulls them down my bereaved face.

My friend, it�s been ten years now,
And I know you can hear my thoughts.
I want you to know that I still love you,
And that I don�t want to cry alone anymore.

EMPTINESS

Flowers in a church,
Unsung goodbyes,
Lamenting dry eyes.

Feeling of black,
Not a hint of gray,
You said you couldn't stay.

Emptiness.

I'm a poet and writing is very therapuetic for the times when i can't handle the emotions.

But also one of the things that has helped me is this quote: "This, too, shall pass."

Time can heal all things. I think as we get older, we understand more about the world as we mature; and as we mature, we understand life is short. Far shorter than what we know to do with. So i think the more time we spend on focusing about the good things in life, the healthier we'll be.

Hello Jasmine <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm so glad you were touched by that article. I had intended on doing a brief 5 stages of grief essay, but as I wrote, it turned into something more personal for me.

Thank you for sharing part of your essay and also your poems. Grief can cut so very deeply, as your work so eloquently illustrates.

What helped you through the stages of grief, if you don't mind me asking? I imagine having a loss at a young age would be very confusing and disorienting. As you mentioned, I think when we're younger we assume everyone will live forever. I don't think I really accepted my own mortality until my first husband got sick and died, actually. Now that I'm 32 and have my own child, it's really beginning to dawn on me that I'm not going to live forever. (Not in this body, anyway.)

Sometimes I grieve for my little guy (my son), but then I realize that grief is often a result of the stories I'm telling myself. My own invention, in other words. And then I realize that I can tell myself a different story about him and his condition. It's not denial, but rather a new way of looking at a situation that helps everyone involved and moves us towards positive action and positive feelings.

Enough about me. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks again for stopping by and for sharing such a personal part of yourself. Bless your heart.

That's a very good question Janet. One i ask myself from time to time. I guess i can only say the one thing that really helped me was just trying to look forward to the future in life. And my father. My father told me over and over that she would not want me grieving over her death. She loves me so much that she wants me to be happy in life; if i am happy, then she's happy, wherever she is. And as long as i hold a place for her in my heart, that's all i can do. Which is true.

And also, i think the relationship we had helped my situation more than anything. We were more than friends, we were soul mates; meaning we were friends on a soul level. We communicated on a soul level as well. It's hard to explain but a lot of times when she was alive we could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking. And being so young, i think that's pretty rare.

It's still hard to talk about, hard to think about. As i said, i don't think that will ever go away. But as you said, i have a different way of looking at it that i never did before. And that different perception can help a lot with coping. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope you continue to find healing through your beautiful poetry, Jasmine. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In a five year period, I lost my oldest sister, my 19 year old neice, my dad, almost lost my life, my mom, and finally the biggest blow of all, my 19 year old son. I didn't think I was gonna make it after my mom died, but that was a walk in the park, compaired to loosing my son. I wanted to die, myself when I got the news...but then I thought of my daughter, now 25. I knew she needed me so she was what kept me going. I am doing fairly well, but take things one day at a time. I lost my son, on April 15, 2001, Easter Sunday, so needless to say, April is not a good month for me. It's like I have 2 days a year, I hate. On what would have been his 21st birthday, I went to where the accident happened, and send 21 ballons into the air...there was a strange halo of light that surrounded them as they went out of site. It gave me a strange sence of peace.

What a beautiful way to commerate your son's life. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You've certainly been through much loss. Bless your heart...and thank you for sharing your story with us. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Janet. I remember back when you posted this article I was going to come over here and comment, but it just didn't happen... no excuses, I know. Now I'm going to do what I "should have" done then... but share why it *couldn't* happen "then" because I couldn't process this information until now...

My comment is... I wonder how many people grieve over things they've "lost" in their lives... that they never had to begin with?

You see, I "grieve" my deafness. I have done that since the day I was told I am deaf... at the age of 5. The thing is... I was *born* that way. I never HAD "normal" hearing. But I didn't know it until I was 5, so it was like I "lost" something, somehow became "different" all of a sudden. Really, I am Hard of Hearing, but I *call* myself deaf, because the actual diagnosis is "Borderline Profound Deaf", which means I have one deaf ear, and one ear that can hear "some". And I thought I had dealt with my pain and anger and resentment at "God", and the bargaining... and *had* gained acceptance. And *still* I am depressed and know that the core issue is my deafness. That means... I'm stuck somewhere in one of the steps, obviously. But I'm not sure where, because I've been depressed for several years now, so I can avoid it all. Which is odd, and I didn't really realize why I was depressing myself. I thought I had "accepted" it when I acknowledged it and started taking responsibility for it by learning sign language, going "out there" and trying to find other deafies, insisting on making people understand, (YOU know... TALKING about it!), what "I'm deaf" means to them in their interactions with me. That part of your article right there... about the phenomenon of people "abandoning" a griever and getting *uncomfortable* when the griever talks about the loss... is what made me realize that it's my deafness *still* that I grieve. I thought I had dealt with it... when I chose to get help when I hit bottom in my alcoholism. My drinking was *all* about my deafness, and my mom's "abandonment" of me when she "found out". After I sobered up, I took all these little "baby steps" to face my "SECRET", as I mentioned already, learning sign, finding others "like me", refusing to be "embarassed" about it, etc.

I was "perfect" to my mother up to the age of 5. Then... all of a sudden, I had a "flaw". I remember feeling my mother's emotional withdrawal. She denies it... and swears she loves me "as I am" and only wanted to "help" me when "it happened"... hmmm. That's a contradiction in talk if I ever saw such. I was fine to begin with, and she loved me "unconditionally" before she "found out". But as I said... I was born deaf. I didn't lose my hearing "later". I was *always* the way I am now in that physical regard. I didn't need "help" before she "found out". Why did I need help "after"?! But my parents are still in denial about my deafness. My daughter too. I'm turning 40 this year...

Ah, well, going back over that... I thought "OH... you're stuck in depression to avoid anger and therefore resisting acceptance!" You know, I'm still VERY angry about having been given this. I *know* it is a gift, because it has been the core influence on my spirituality... but still, I rage at it. Since such volatile anger is *unacceptable*, I hide behind depression... which keeps me from exploding yes, but *also* from accepting the gift of it even when I KNOW it as a gift. Almost the entire time I've been sober... 12 1/2 years... I have had chronic health problems that seem to elude "diagnosis"... now I'm starting to see correlations that I never thought possible! After I took responsibility for my deafness, learned sign, and found "a few" deafies, I felt that was "enough", and I didn't continue to pursue healing... and apparently, there is more to it than what I did, obviously, or I wouldn't still be grieving. I stunted my growth by just stopping my journey of healing, and I can pinpoint very closely just when in my sobriety I "stopped". I had been sober for around 2 years, and then had to go back out and experiment some more for about 6 months. There was some kind of "brick wall" I'd encountered in my journey... and it had to do with my deafness, but I'm not certain just what "incident" triggered it off. I only know that I had begun to run into "familiar" attitudes of "the public" toward my deafness. It reminded me of what I went through in my school years. After I sobered up again I didn't pick up the journey, and have been depressed ever since... I'm starting to see where my fear is... fear of "death" by "not being whole", by being considered as "less than" and therefore... "not worth life".

I've been reading a book by Debbie Ford called The Secret of the Shadow. The reason why I couldn't process that I am actually still grieving my "loss" of hearing is because I had to read this book first... it has a message in it for me about being *stuck*... I'm stuck because I'm "safe" in the Story of My Deafness. That story gives me limits, and the illusionary sense of "who I Am". I have hung onto this story "for dear life" so I can maintain My Identity as I know it right now... because if I'm NOT my story, then what AM I?! (...Dead?!) The only way I will become unstuck is to step out of the story, to ask myself what lesson this story brings to my wholeness instead of letting the story limit me to *only* my deafness. And the unknown is so murky and dark to me still...

It's interesting... I have an almost too-single-minded fascination with death... not in the sense of wanting to die myself (I HAVE gotten past that, thank Goddess, or else I'd still be drinking), but in being able to "feel" those on the other side, in my ability to "feel" death. I have this "intimacy" with death, but an abject fear of it at the same time... just odd. But you know... people call deaf people "death people" all the time... and that seems to be "personal" to me on my soul level. I don't mean personal as in "taking it personally", at least I don't think so... but I AM going to explore that, because I may just be making things up to make myself "feel better" about my deafness too.

I am going to go one step further... you mentioned to me one time, Janet, about my health issues and exploring my 2nd and 3rd chakras... and I've done some preliminary research on chakra correspondences and my "symptoms" of depression, avoiding anger, and resisting acceptance... those would be... well, as I'm looking at my chart, I realize that all of them are involved:
1st chakra = Fear
2nd chakra = Guilt
3rd chakra = Shame
4th chakra = Grief
5th chakra = Lies (denial)
6th chakra = Illusion
7th chakra = Attachment (resistance)
But... the ones MOST prominent that I see right now are the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th. I have worked very hard on guilt and shame, and have tried to release those in my spiritualitiy, but I do still have problems with them.

This is very... illuminating. I think I have finally stumbled onto my Truth, why I am "sick" all the time. I'm actually getting really excited about this, because I see what I can work on specifically now to see if it will help me begin to heal. That's way... awesome... I'm just kind of thunderstruck at how my health issues could so very well have to do with my emotions and nothing to do with any "bug" or "virus" or "physical reason". Baffling.

But hey, Janet... you've done it again... you've been a part of my "light", and I am so grateful. Thanks for such wonderful articles. :love:

'llysa

'lyssa, thank you so much for sharing a part of your personal process with grief, as well as anger.

You know, maybe you're trying too hard to see deafness as a "gift", because you haven't yet accepted the idea that, on some level, it's NOT a gift to you...and that you find it unfair and rail against it. I love Debbie Ford's book The Secret of the Shadow as well, and I think she touches on this, too: it's not about excising a certain part of ourselves as much as it is accepting it...truly accepting it...and then it becomes transformed. That's one problem I have with the positive thinking movement: it really doesnt work if it's not felt.

Byron Katie addresses the question of "who am I without my story?" in her book Loving What Is.

Who am I without my story? Sure, the ego would like to think we are dead without it. When remember Who We Are...our "face before we are born"...we are connected back to our Source; as a result, the ego certainly does a little dyin'! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All chakras are certainly interwoven, so yes, I'm sure they all play a part in our healing and our beliefs.

Interesting about the correlation between "deaf" and "death". Caroline Myss, as well as Louise Hay, often explore the connection between words that we use and "the issue" (as well as other authors). For deafness, there's a lot to explore: what are the function of ears. Is there something you're not willing "to hear"? Is "not hearing" an excuse for "not doing"? (But, I didn't hear you we often say as kids. Selective hearing.) Have you come across my review of Heal Your Body by Hay, by any chance?

Regarding your Mom, it's possible that you're telling yourselves stories about her and your family, too. When a mother is given a frightening diagnosis about their child, they often just "want to make it better". However, children don't come with manuals and we often don't know how to do that! But we're scared...and we don't want to screw up. We want to do our best, unsure of what "the best" even is.

Does that make sense? I hope you don't think I'm being hard on you! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just some food for thought since you seem willing to explore this.

I'm so glad my articles have provided some missing pieces for you, 'lyssa. That's why I do what I do. :love:

Hi Janet,

On the contrary, I don't think you're being too "harsh" at all. The way I see it, if I'm going to "show the world" my pain, I'd better be willing to listen to what "the world" has to say about my brain and its limits. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Janet says:
"You know, maybe you're trying too hard to see deafness as a "gift", because you haven't yet accepted the idea that, on some level, it's NOT a gift to you...and that you find it unfair and rail against it."

I think you have a valid point there... but I've already gone through too many years looking at it as a "curse". That was what the drinking was all about. I still think of it as such, to a degree, yes, but in the respect that it will never be "fixed", I'll never be "normal". (And yes, I DO think that is unfair! But... life isn't about fair.) But I"ve come to realize that I don't *want* to be normal. It's *accepting* that I don't want to be normal that is the hang up. (Fighting that fact that life isn't fair.) In other words, it's accepting that I'll never be in the "in crowd". Just when I think I've come to terms with it, I'll encounter some kind of interaction with another human being that makes me realize that I still "want" to be "like them" so they don't have to "judge" me for being deaf. For example, I *tell* them I'm deaf and what I need from them in order to be able to converse with them evenly, and they refuse to accomodate me with it. (I'll explain here that most people don't even believe me when I tell them I'm deaf, because I can "talk normally"... as far as they are concerned, and as long as I'm not overwhelmed with background noise, I can usually hold my own in a conversation without having to have *everything* repeated, just because I have one ear that "works" to a small degree.) I end up getting "caught" being deaf, then they "judge" me on that.

It *is* a gift, but *that* is something else I just haven't accepted yet either. Why is it a gift? My deafness is what brought me to my path, literally. My deafness is one of the two "reasons" I had for drinking. If I hadn't been deaf, I'd never become an alcoholic... and then I wouldn't have hit bottom, and then I'd never "discovered" A.A. In A.A. is where I concieved my true spirituality. So... my deafness *gave* me my spirituality. Before I began drinking... it was "religion"... I believed what others told me to believe. Now I have my *own* path. There's more to it, though. I have a purpose in that spirituality, and that's what I'm trying to discover at present. I've come to understand some of what I'm "supposed to do" with it, but it's still vague and slushy... I think simply because I'm still in the process of healing my *own* Spiritual Malady, and I won't have a *clear* purpose as to what to do with it until I've "taken care of" me so to speak. You've asked me before about the Wounded Healer archetype influencing my life... and yes, I think you're right. But in what specific way yet remains to be seen. I thought it was to eventually work in art therapy, and helping people to healing toward spiritual wholeness being the goal... but I've discovered that I won't be able to go to school for that for a very long time to come due to finances. The only two places in the U.S. that have programs for that... are very expensive places to live, and the schools require so much out of the students that it is impossible to work and go to school at the same time. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Why can't I accept my deafness as a gift? I think... because I haven't finished healing my own Spiritual Malady yet. I'm not done with that *journey* yet.

Oh, and thanks for the links to the books. I'll definitely check them out! <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> On the matter of Ego... it certainly wouldn't hurt for mine to die a little... get it back to it's rightful size. THAT right there is half my battle, my Ego has gone amuck. I don't want to "kill it off", just kill off it's monstrosity. My Ego has a purpose, but it is only *part* of me, and that is the balance I'm trying to restore, so it wouldn't be so bad. It's just convincing my Ego that it won't die completely, but that it will only be allowed to work when it is "supposed" to, only for its intended purposes, and not to rule my life.

Yes, I agree, I have stories about my mom in relation to me and my deafness. But it's hard to see that sometimes when I'm in the grip of the pain. Thanks for pointing that out. I should know, really, but like I said... subjectivity and emotions make it hard to separate from illusions. My daughter was born 2 1/2 months too early, and is the second baby to have survived out of Denver Children's Hospital being born that early. She is one of the babies that made it possible for those that came after to survive on a more solid basis. I had my share of wanting to "fix" it. There were, and still are, many things that girl has to deal with due to the prematurity that I'd do anything to "fix". Mostly, she's "normal", but always 3 months "behind" cognitively. You know how our brains stop growing after we are born. She has to make new pathways everytime she learns something, and it's a struggle sometimes. Often, other kids think she's "slow" because she doesn't "get" something right off the bat. But you know, she was at a kindergarten reading level in the 4th grade... and at a preschool math level then. She obviously got more than 3 months "behind" by then... the teachers were not willing to understand what was going on with her, and weren't staying one step ahead for her to keep up. But my mom has worked very hard with her since then (I couldn't reach her, you know, that mother-daughter conflict stuff, and of course in her early years I was still drinking, and she learned not to take me too seriously)... now, she's going into her Senior year in high school next fall, and on the Honor Roll! It's so subtle how my Ego will allow my emotions to make exeptions for "my story", but not "their stories", eh... yeah... I remember frantically looking for that manual... :rolleyes:

Thanks so much for your input Janet. I'm willing to listen anytime. <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

'llysa