BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids So when are you having kids?

Judith,
You make such a good point that people often have to deal with tough medical issues. Many couples - more than most people realize - have tou weigh out tough decisions like the health of babies and mother, when deciding to have kids.

i agree with judith and raleigh. my b/f would like a baby but she runs high chance of miscarriages plus shed have to have a c-section.

I don't recall anyone asking "when" we were having kids, but people have occasionally asked "if." Usually the person asking is carrying a baby with a toddler or two hanging off their back or arm or leg, so of course I don't want to be totally rude and say "Are you kidding?!"

So I guess I'm a little more worried about insulting them, rather than feeling like they were rude. Now, if someone asked "when" instead of "if," I would probably feel a little differently.

The reality is, it just doesn't appeal to me. It has crossed my mind, of course, because I'm also in my thirties and time is running out. But I'm just not confortable with the idea, so I'm pretty sure my real answer is "no."
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Some advice from a �kid� not to far off from your son's age, just a tad older and more manure, err mature. Well maybe not on the second count. Anyway, you seem to be a very caring and thoughtful person.

I�ve got to tell you though, most of us do want to find that someone special. On top of that there is this society pressure to do so. And on top of that there is the expectation to BREED. This is as good as any place to point out that men are by no means exempt from this expectation. Anyway, if your son wants to have a family, there really isn�t a thing anyone can say or do to make it happen any faster.

For those that that don�t want kids and even those that do but haven�t found their life partner, continuing questions along the �when, how soon� line of thought are frustrating. Yes, if it is our own mother we will smile and laugh it off (and them vent on this list!) but still, it will happen when it happens and the extra pressure isn�t especially constructive. We can�t seem to tell our own mother�s this but maybe I can pass it along to someone else�s mother. Print this out and give it to your son and inform him that he owes me. :-)

As an examples (which I freely admit are an extreme), I had a good friend in University who really should have become a doctor. Thing is, her well meaning parents put so much pressure/love/concern on her she would blank on every test. Before the test she was the only person I�d ask if I didn�t know something � yet I�d get and A and she would get a C. I knew which one of us was smarter and more caring about people and it wasn�t me. She changed majors so many times I�d lost count and it took her 7 years full time (in the end, accounting). She had a C average, mine was damn near a 4.0 I�m 100% certain that without the pressure she would be a doctor now and a damn good and happy one. Another friend�s parents bought this huge stature of an Eagle befor he was born to give to him when he made Eagle Scout which he did but I always though they should have given the award to the parents who did the work. Mom meant well but had ever bit of this kids life planned out for him. When I knew him he has no will and almost no opinions of his own. He became a trucker (nothing wrong with that but NOT what was in the plan) and she had to be institutionalized.

OK � these are REALLY extreme examples, all I�m trying to say is that to little love/concern/parenting as well as to much, can be a bad thing. At some point you have to let us �kids� go, still love us, but let us figure things out and make stupid mistakes (don�t worry, we will).

If you want to be with kids, there are other ways to fulfill you needs, adopting, working at a local day care, cleaning up vomit at a rollercoaster ride. . . :-P

My husband & I have been married 13 yrs. and I've had various ways of answering this question over the yrs. I used to say simply..."We don't want kids." Which would usually garner a response of "How selfish." So, I've changed my response several times. I find it an offensive question for many reasons...what if we couldn't have kids, what if we have had several miscarriages, or just decided not to have children. This country has made it socially acceptable to ask personally prying questions that many other countries find socially unacceptable. Keep in mind you need a license for everything in this country...To drive, carry a gun, even if you want to fish. But any idiot can have a child. There is no minimum IQ requirement or required licensing needed to have kids. Anyhoo I digress... My new response has become quite cutting. I've begun to position this as my own campaign to educate the public on how socially unacceptable these types of questions really are. When someone asks me "Do you have kids?" or "When are you going to have children?" I now make them aware of how in appropriate their question really is...my response "I find that question offensive. In fact it would be as socially unacceptable if I were to ask you (pointing out any physicall flaw i.e. overweight, bad hair, etc.) Being that you're grossly obese, when are you planning to do something about it?" It's a zinger... I know but it get's the point across. And it stops all future questions. I'm actually a very non-confrontational individual who is highly educated and tired of idiots asking these socially inept questions.

My husband & I have been married 13 yrs. and I've had various ways of answering this question over the yrs. I used to say simply..."We don't want kids." Which would usually garner a response of "How selfish." So, I've changed my response several times. I find it an offensive question for many reasons...what if we couldn't have kids, what if we have had several miscarriages, or just decided not to have children. This country has made it socially acceptable to ask personally prying questions that many other countries find socially unacceptable. Keep in mind you need a license for everything in this country...To drive, carry a gun, even if you want to fish. But any idiot can have a child. There is no minimum IQ requirement or required licensing needed to have kids. Anyhoo I digress... My new response has become quite cutting. I've begun to position this as my own campaign to educate the public on how socially unacceptable these types of questions really are. When someone asks me "Do you have kids?" or "When are you going to have children?" I now make them aware of how in appropriate their question really is...my response "I find that question offensive. In fact it would be as socially unacceptable if I were to ask you (pointing out any physicall flaw i.e. overweight, bad hair, etc.) Being that you're grossly obese, when are you planning to do something about it?" It's a zinger... I know but it get's the point across. And it stops all future questions. I'm actually a very non-confrontational individual who is highly educated and tired of idiots asking these socially inept questions. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Regarding "So when are you going to have kids" I've got tell you of a business experience directly related to this question.

I'm a marketing director and deal with lots of vendors. Not too long ago we were getting bids on a project and pulling in some new ad agencies. Well, it came down to the final two. Both highly skilled, good quality, creative and both had similiarly priced bids. But, what ended up determining the winner from the loser will never go on record...and this is the first time I've spoken about what drove my decision. My team scheduled the final two agencies to fly in to give their presentations and meet my team. One agency had a women who was chatty and asked me, almost before she ever sat down if 'I had kids?'

Well, if you work in the corporate world you know that men do not ask this question but for some reason women feel like it's their God given right, like it's some bazar club and if you don't have kids your not a member. Well, I bet you can guess who lost the deal. As soon as that question came out of her mouth my decision was made. That ad agency lost a big account due to one persons lack of socially acceptable behavior. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Unless the person asking is in a position of authority over me, the few times I've been asked, I prefer a more "interesting" response.

Miss Nosy, "So when are you and your husband going to start a family?"

Me, "We don't want children."

Miss Nosy, with a shocked look on her face, "Why not? You were a child once!" (this has to be the most retarded response in the world)

Me, "Sure, but I'm too afraid of having a child who would grow up to be as rude and tactless as you, 'cause then I'd have to kill her. Since I don't want to go to jail for murder, I've chosen not to have kids."

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Most of our family & close friends know by now that we don't want kids, and no one gives us a hard time about it.
When someone I'm not so close to (co-workers, acquaintances, etc) asks when/if we're going to have kids, I usually just say "children aren't in our future." That usually stops any follow-up questions, as they assume that we can't have kids & feel bad about it. Only a few ultra-rude nosy people have responsded with "why not?".

I hate that question too! I wrote an article about its close cousin, "When You Have Kids...":

"When You Have Kids..."
For the child free, nothing is more annoying to hear. Why do people just assume you are going to have kids? Having a family is NOT for everyone.
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art10837.asp

It is incredibly rude to ask someone such a question. But your answer should ALWAYS be honest.

Don't create health problems that aren't there, just to shut someone up. That does no good in the long run in gaining acceptability for the child free community.

It is important that these people understand that it is our CHOICE to remain child free!

Kim
MNK Editor