BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree by choice?

I am definitely CF by choice. I grew up without any cousins except in Mexico. My mother is Mexican and my father was anglo. I have three aunts on my father's side all of whom did not have any children. I have never asked them why. My father did not want any children but after my mother insistence he said, okay one, and my mother ended up with twins! As a kid I remember laughing at that story. Now I shake my head and say thank god I did not have kids. The emotional toll my mind took as a child - thinking maybe I was the one they didn't really want coupled with my over-loving mother telling me I was her only happiness and then witnessing her crying and very angry almost every day....it has taken the better part of 35+ years to believe in myself. I feel like I am a turtle sometimes - definitely missed the boat on having kids cuz I always had bf's who were not the "good-father type" so out the window they went. Eventually I found my prince charming and now I am too old to be running around after a child!

And besides I like my life the way it is right now with no children. It took me so long to turn my chaotic ways into something stable and good and I am proud of my decisions.

My twin sister on the other hand has the same, if not worse, chaotic life. She cannot make decisions on her own, she has very low-esteen, three children under age 12, and a husband who is verbally abusive and has said many times he did not want three children.

We are day and night at 41 years old. Just today I was thinking it may be because I had time to figure myself out and what really is good, ie. NOT yelling and having to argue every day. Yelling and arguing with your kids and/or husband takes time away from knowing who you are. People who think this is a normal way of communicating need alot of mental help. My sister is one of them...but she is in denial. She thinks she is so together b/c she has three kids and a husband. What a joke.

After our last family holiday together I came home and threw up. I was so upset at how my BIL and sister were yelling at their 8YO son who tore the screen door. Their kids were running around in circles for 2 hours and mom and dad did not say a word...until bedtime when they noticed what happened. His dad pretty much ripped him a new [censored]. They tag-teamed at him, yelling so mean and furious...It made me sick. I quietly told my sister when she returned to the kitchen that this was too much for him and me and that why didn't they intervene two hours earlier instead of at bedtime. He is a little boy still and please don't yell at him like that before bed (or anytime for that matter)- he won't sleep good and he has to go to school in the morning. Later I learned that my young newphew heard me defending him and told my sister that he loved me very much. I told her how I threw up when I got home.

We are moving out of state - mostly to get away from costly California and ridiculous relatives.

Yeah, I am CF by choice and very proud of my decision.

Yes and no, I am unable to have kids due to IF but after 2 failed IVF attempts we did choose to remain childfree.

I was reading most of the posts and I just wanted to say the we don't have to explain ourselves to anyone as to why we don't have children, it is none of the damn busisness, I don't ask people why they have kids or keep on having them when they can't afford them and and our taxes go to support them.....next time someone asks, say "if you'll forgive me for not answering that question, I'll forgive you for asking!!"
M :-)

Hi Gang,
Back again! Still trying to work through stuff but have another interesting thought that I would really appreciate all your thoughts on. Have any of you heard of Tocophobia which is the fear of pregnancy or childbirth?

I'd always wondered why the thought of being pregnant had never appealed to me and the thought of being told that I was pregnant is enough to scare me off sex! Well not enjoy it as much anyway.

Funnily enough, I've searched on various websites and cannot seem to find a name for a fear of parenthood which surely there must be a name for? There is even a fear of sperm!!! It's called Spermaphobia - I actually think I have that too but it's linked to my Tocophobia! Hee hee.

I'd would be very interested to hear what you intelligent ladies and gents think about this fear and if any of you feel the same way. I'd have been talking to my husband about if push came to shove, I would probably adopt a child if he wanted one that badly but that I was very certain that I didn't want my own and now I think this could be the reason why. Well one of the many reasons why in any case. mentioned why I'd prefer not to be a parent.

Any thoughts please? Also, if anyone knows the name of parenting phobia, that would be handy too. Hope you're all going well.

Best wishes

well, my 'fear' is not irrational or connected to OCD--so I don't consider my choice ot be CF to be neurotic. My 'fear' of pregnancy is because it leads to child birth which leads to being a parent. I just don't want kids and I have many rational, logical reasons. It is usually the emotionally charged ones that gets everyone so upset about it--logic would not have ANYONE have children. But then we would logic ourselves extinct.

Katrinae,
I go back and read over the comments on this site from time to time and your comments have always disturbed me and I have to wonder and hope for you that you are talking through your problems with a professional or perhaps now taking some medication. Obviously you didn't have the best up bringing and your parents must have been very narrow minded for you to grow up the way you did and I use the term grow up very loosely as I believe you still have a lot of that to do. I wish you all the best and hope you find yourself in a happier place in the future. I don't think this forum was intended for someone like you so perhaps it's best you keep your opinions to yourself. Good lukc finding a forum that suits you.

Dugong

Thanks for your thoughts RavynG. Always loved the name Ravyn by the way but never seen it spelt like that. Cool!

You raise a very good point - it is usually the emotionally charged issues that 'others' think they can help you with. It seems a lot of people don't take you seriously when you touch on subjects such as "what sort of world is it going to be 20 years from now? Would I want to be born again if I had the choice?"

I think to a certain degree I come under the description of phobic but am still puzzled as to why a fear that I consider to be very real, with good reason, could be considered as neurotic. "They" were describing the fear of childbirth as an irrational fear of childbirth. What's irrational about fearing childbirth? It just amazes me that if you are scared about something that you have a right to be scared of, why do people label you as neurotic?

I still think there are a lot of women out there, that along with all the many good reasons for not wanting children would also admit to being frightened about the whole process. First finding out, then the pregnancy ails, the risk of m/carriage, fear of deformities, labour, B/feeding, SIDS. It's all so daunting and scary - are these women classified as Tocophobic? Are they being irrational? Because the fear I feel is the permanency of it and that if you don't like it, there isn't a thing you can do about it. You're trapped. No way out. Plus all the things that go along with not having your life to yourself anymore - what's the name of the fear for this as I don't think this is irrational either but according the term phobic - it's considered irrational.

I think there is a very fine line between not wanting something and fearing it and we usually don't like what we fear such as spiders, sharks, snakes etc but is it because we don't like them because we're scared of them or are we're scared of them because we don't like them? I just think it's important to get to the bottom of all sorts of feelings when your making a decision that will affect your impact on the family tree and the futures of those who wouldn't be alive if it weren't for you. It's a big call so we have to make sure we make the best decision and the best decision is the most informed one. That's why I love reading all these posts. Different perspectives, thoughts and ideas all help you make the decision that's right for you.

Keep the posts flowing - it's such great support having a network of like minded people and even people that have kids but understand where we're coming from. It's great to get all perspectives.

I've just found all the other topics regarding childfree issues on Bella and it was great to read all those too.

Well, hope to chat more on the subject with you soon.

Best wishes

Dugong

Dugong--I don't think it is the subject of the fear that makes it neurotic or not--it is the intensity of it. Who isn't afraid of rattlesnakes or tarantulas? Of course people have a problem with putting their life and health and future quality of life on the line--not to mention pain. But if you have any fear to the extent that it is a phobia---it needs to be toned down a little to be normal and not neurotic.

Hi,

It's so good to find this board.I'm 35 year old.I'm still undecided about having 1 child or becoming childfree by choice.I'm giving myself 5 years to make the final decision.I keeping want a girl but only a dream.
I've been lucky most men.I've been interested in dating.Don't want kids.That helps me alot. What we need is more childfree by choice site for singles.

Giggles, there already is a dating site for singles who don't want kids. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.dinklink.com

i just found this site and am happy it is here. my dh and i are cf, although at first it wasn't a choice. we went through 8 years trying to conceive and have finally decided to move on and enjoy the lives we have.

i'm trying to find more people to relate to who are living without children. they are hard to find. some of the ones i've found are very hurt by their situation (and i was the same for a long time), and i'm trying to get past that feeling.

maybe participating in a forum like this will help me heal a bit more. and help me fit in for once.

oh, i did read some of your replies to this topic, and i empathize with those of you who have to cover for your coworkers who have to attend to their kids. i'm a teacher, and i have the last class off each day. so i'm constantly being asked to cover someone's class, so they can attend to their kid or something. i get a little resentful some days. but it's what happens. this world revolves around families.

anyway, looking forward to getting to know y'all if y'all will have me. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~holly