BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Childfree by choice?

Babaloo, either I missunderstood you, either you had put it in a wrong way. The question to which I was giving an answer is:

"I am a woman. I can have a child, but I choose not to, because I don't want."

I understood it as: "She's a woman, she has everything that can be needed for a child (home, money, good family atmosphere, safety) but chooses not to, for some reasons (read egoism)". If this is the case, then no woman can be considered only under these circumstances. A woman is to have a child by nature, if she refuses to, either she's 110% egoist, either mentally ill. So, Babaloo, a woman may not want a kid and still be a woman is her unwilling to not have it is based on other than selfish (or similar) character.

As heada has mentioned: "not feeling that urge". Either you'reselfish, either ... something else. Sorry, it's unpolite and all, but you know. It the same as with gays, they can be nice people, but still, they're not normal, they're somehow sick, no matter how you look at it.

What you have told me completely changes the issue. But this is by no means a "by choice" decision. You do not want a child, BECAUSE some conditions are lacking. It's different, it's understandable and it's OK in this case (not only OK, but quite right actually).

Matthew, I understand it so, you're a male, right? This issue is discussed from a female point of view. Women must have kids unless circumstances forbid. It's different with men. You may not by nature wish to have kids, though it's normal to do so. If you don't want to, perhaps you're selfish, perhaps you lack tenderness or whatever to want a kid, but it's not as 'bad' as with women. Oh, your wife is perfectly normal, a female gets herself a male to do what? To travel around the world or go to gyms or whatever? No, she gets close with a male to have kids, that's how it works and to deny it is to deny nature.

Jesus, I just have reread the comment by heada ... "have you two really talked about why she wants children?". Is this the way the things are today? You have to have a reason TO have a child? Oh my ... And what 'pressure' are you talking about? I believe people are smart enough to do what is good for them and not what the so called society says. Private life is called 'private' for something. And I believe no matter how great the pressure was, no woman or man would go for it if she/he didn't feel like it. Matthew, do you realise that you would not experience ANY of the "more interesting things than raising kids" if it wasn't for you parents' decision to give you a birth? No work, not stress, no money, no nothing, you wouldn't even exist to know these everyday concepts. As for the practical advise, I guess a divorce is inevitable. Either you or she will be unhappy and that equals both being unhappy (and the child too, in case you chosed to have one). Either one of you changes views (unprobable and I would hate to hear a woman who wanted a kid HAD to change because her man wouldn't go for it) or you go for a split up. Not much choice there, really.

Germany is degrading. Too many outsiders working for them. Germans do not want to work but they sure do want to get money and the more the better. While a normal desire, a sane person knows, this is not how it works in this world. Their women do not wish any children and they f****** MAKE their men to undergo surgery to become sterile. Is THAT sick enough or what? Eventually such people will die out and the world will be ruled by Chinese/Arabs, 50/50. Sad? Depends on who you are.

Sorry, for a long post.

Wow. Hmmmm.... Where to begin????
I dont now whether to laugh or scream or cry. As I was reading AINTD's posts, so many things were going through my head; I don't know where to begin....
First of all, AINTD keeps referring to how Germany is just sick and dying. Well, ironically I have a great obsession and passion with Germany, and hope to live there some day. So I guess, according to AINTD's theory, that is exactly where I belong! LOL
Also, I am a religous, Christian person. (Just wanted to state that fact).
I have so many friends that have married, and then popped out the required 2.2 kids that society expects of us, without thinking about if they could actually provide the right atmosphere and tools needed to raise children-financial stability, emotional stability, etc. Now since the couples popped out these babies without even thinking about it-they are miserable with themselves and with each other.
People used to have large families because it was a necessity. They needed kids to work on the farm, milk the cows, or do whatever they heck they needed to do to actually survive in the world.
And who cares anyways if I am SELFISH!!!!! At least I am honest about being selfish!! lol.
There are things I want to do with my life, places to go, and kids just arent in that picture. Sorry, traveling around the world seems a lot more exciting than sitting at home every weekend changing dirty diapers and cleaning up snot!
Sorry, this was long and rambling. hope it made some sense. I had too many thoughts wanting to come out at once. And really I could go on and on, but I really dont think it will make a difference. This is just my opinion and the way I want to live my life. People should just respect other peoples choices in life....
:love:

Like heada I don't know where to begin and I only have 2 minutes to reply as I'm going to work! <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
AINTD, have you ever lived in Germany? What's that about people there not wanting to work? Where do you get your information from? I personally know lots of people who want to work but can't get a job - because there are no jobs!!! And this is the general situation in Germany right now, not something I'm making up. Why do you think I'm living in Ireland?! Doh! Because I couldn't get a job in Germany!!! <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
And I love Ireland, just to mention it.
And what's that about not being normal, gay or otherwise? Who are you to judge who is normal and who isn't? How can one person be so arrogant as to think they're better than another one so they have the right to judge? To be honest, I don't care whether you personally think I'm normal or whether Matt is normal or anybody else. Did you see me saying that having children is wrong?
Yes, I do agree that nature has given me the possibility to have children (whether I actually CAN or not, is a different story, who knows...) but that doesn't mean I actually have to do it! Millions of men have the possibility to father a child but they don't DO it.
Actually, heada, this is just the attitude we've been complaining about and I think we should leave it as I don't think we can persuade AINTD. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We don't need to anyway as everyone is entitled to their opinion - maybe that's the difference between us..... <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'll probably be late for work today but I just HAVE to reply to this....
AINTD, didn't you yourself just say that no matter how great pressure is nobody would go for it if they didn't feel like it? How on earth do you imagine German women MAKE their men undergo a vasectomy?!?!?!?! <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Do they drag them there? Do they fill them up with drink so they unconscious and then forge their signatures for the OP? I actually believe that men have this done because they CHOOSE to and not because they're forced to. You're contradicting yourself within the same post, mate! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
And I just had to say something about your remarks about gays... and on the other hand I don't even think it deserves a reply... but anyway, here goes: Don't you think your attitude is a bit fascist? To say someone is not normal because they don't share your way of life???
I think we'll have lots of "fun" in this forum for days to come.....
<img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ohyes, fun!
breeding is an instinct, and a base one at that. we've evolved intellect to deal with base instincts rationally. i don't appriciate elitists ripping apart other countries or cultures, either.
i wasn't raised under a liberal and democratic constitution for no reason! i have rights to do whatsoever i choose with my eggs like every other woman. if you want to degrade women for being intelligent, do it. you are the one living with it, not me, and i'd be sad to be around you for sure. thank goodness i hate spain. what a craphole! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

in the end, we all decide what is best for us. until big brother spaniard over there rules this country, ill do what i want and rub it in your face <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
thanks for a laugh!

Hee-hee, seems like we're having fun here! Great!!! <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
It's good to have found a few like-minded spirits.

Have a good Friday everyone (it's 7.40am over here) and a good weekend!

HEHEHEHE!
Sthenno-I really liked how you put that, about intellect having evolved-GREAT point!
Yes, this little forum sure has turned out to be very interesting, to say the least!!!

I had no idea I would start all this. I live in USA so some of this I am not sure about. It does however make a good read. Still trying to come to terms with all this. It's hard to think my wife wil one day have a life with out me in it. I thought when we got married it was for the reast of my life. Now I find myself spliting up our assets. It just really hurts. I also find it embarrassing to tell people I am getting divorced over the kid issue. They look at me as if I am a monster that I would not want to have a child. Just not right

Matthew - You're not alone. I've had various friends who ran into the same issue, including a couple whe ended up getting divorced. They're both awsome people! And the divorce was still a terrible and depressing thing, until enough time had passed to heal it, and they're now friends again.

It's important to realize that it's not your fault. And, if either of you "gives in" to the other's wish in this case, that person will always feel some resentment, as was mentioned before. Moreover, your wife's situation is probably controlled very much by biological factors within her brain, which unfortunately you cannot control.

I'm a woman in my thirties, and like a significant number of other women, I have no real biological desire to have kids. I'm now engaged, and I feel very, very lucky to have found someone who also doesn't have that desire. But when I was dating, I was seriously concerned about the issue - what if I met someone who absolutely wanted kids? Of course, from my position, I thought "Hey go for it! If YOU want to give birth and be his or her mother, more power to 'ya!" (hee)

As for AINT (sorry if I'm misspelling), you are welcome to have your opinions, even if they are unpopular. However, as a Host here at Bella, I must ask that you please refrain from the use of profanity, namecalling, and similar behavior in our forum. If it continues, the Forum Moderator can have you removed.

Thank you.

Matt, as it was said in the previous post it is natural that you're hurting and it will take time to come to terms with your divorce.
We all think that a marriage is forever, this is everyone's intention - to make it work forever. However, we're all human and to err is human and to evolve and change as well. I believe that nobody can promise at any stage in life that their opinions, views or whatever you want to call it are going to stay the same until the end of their lives. To change is the essence of life - at least in my eyes. And therefore, even if people have the very best of intentions, relationships or marriages fail.
It was mentioned before but I think that the worst thing you can do now is blame yourself!
It will take time to heal, possibly a long time. But maybe you'll see from the positive responses in this forum (well, mainly positive anyway <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) that you're not alone with your view/decision and maybe that'll make it a bit easier for you. I think I speak for everyone when I say that you're always welcome here - especially when you need to moan and rant! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />