This piece is something I wrote a while ago, yet I still have the same questions. I have never shared these thoughts, for fear that someone would not quite see what i was asking, or perhaps be threatened by the constant questioning. Please, please do share your views, however you feel, I merely want to share these and thoughts with others, that perhaps through the sharing, my own answers my be revealed to me.
Sometimes I just wish I could glimpse through the eye of the truth, just a mere second, for it to all be understood.
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I'm scared, that I'll spend my whole life searching and never truly find. Spend my life believing my feelings, only to find that I missed the truth somewhere down the line.
Spend my life loving and obeying My Lord, only to fall short and be condemned to the fires of hell. I'm scared of a Lord that would do such a thing, if the truth of my soul be known.
Now I don't want to spend another precious moment that I have left here on earth doubting that God exists, I believe that You do, without a doubt in my soul, but what God would I make of You?
You are love, first and foremost and all loving elements that follow, compassion, kindess, forgiveness, and I know that the only fear in my heart that i have, is that i should ever lose You. That would be a dagger to my soul.
And how do I please You? by trying to be more like You as best as I can? in obedience? But then the thought of heaven and hell enters my mind and I search my mind for a reason to find, why my Father of love would banish one of His children to the fires of hell for being a mortal human being?
Some of us Father don't realise, not all of us find a wisdom, not all of us get it right the first time round.
And if indeed we are given this one life in which to learn and grow, within the parametres that we have been placed in, then some of us will surely fall short.
And what of these souls that don't come to You? What of my brothers and sisters that lead a blinded life, full of sin and evil, never awakening the truth within them? Will they be punished? Will I be punished for my own sins?
Will we be made to pay for what society has created? would it not have been different had our society been far more evolved? and we all grew knowing the meaning of love, understanding and compassion? Then punish for what we do not know or have the strength to overcome?
Father you teach us to love our enemies, that if someone strikes us once, then we should offer the other cheek. And if we are to have this constant forgiving quality, do You Father have this also? Why then are we taught of a Lord that punishes us for our sins? Are not some souls more evolved than others? Are not some souls more in need of love and understanding than others?
And if we should love our enemies, would You Father do the same? and should the devil exist, would you love him? And if lucifer did exist in heaven and You loved him, why then did love not save the day? why was it that Our Lord's love could not heal Lucifer of these traits of evil and jealousy? And why a war in heaven? where You really under threat? surely not, for surely nothing can harm You.
I have questions Father, unanswered question, and in truth my soul does not make you a Father of such things.
My Father, My Lord is unique, love without condition, a Lord without flaws, compassionate and kind without human comprehension. i don't believe You require us to do anything, for a requirement from us would deem You dependable and weaken the Lord that I believe You are.
Perfect is your form Father and sometimes I wonder why You created us. Then I wonder why I would want to give life, to bring forth a child, and I wonder whether it is because I love my husband so much and have so much love inside of me that I would wish to share this love .. could this be your reasoning aswell? That you wanted to share yourself to experience with your children the perfectness of Your love?
Then I wonder what would my child's purpose be? To be loved without condition by me and to give that love out freely to others, for my child would receive it freely from me.
I would be a human God to this child and teach them that I too have a human mother and father, but collectively, as human beings, we all share the same Father and come form the same seed. And that Father created us so that we could share His love. The same way I would give physical birth to my child, Our Father gives spiritual birth to our souls.
And whatever that child did, whether it be deemed good or bad, I would continue to love my child without condition and reflect, as best as I could, my Lord's love unto my child.
How then would I explain to that child the concept of heaven and hell without igniting fear into my child's heart? would they not then be introduced to the idea of failure? would that not then manefest negative thoughts and persceptions, and would that not then change their idea of Our Ultimate Father?
What kind of God would they then make of You?
