BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence I don't know how to get rid of him......

My boyfriend has been beating me for 4 years. I finally got him out of the house this time, but I wonder how long it will last. This time he busted my nose, blackened both eyes and bit my finger so hard I thought he was going to bite it off! It sounds crazy but I love him. He does these kind of things when he drinks too much. It's no excuse, but thats when it happens.....

Izzy, I only have one answer - don't stay with this guy. No matter whether you love him or not, he definitely doesn't love you. You do not hurt someone you love like he is hurting you.
I know it is a question of having alternatives and being strong enough to do it but you'll have to figure out whether you want to put up with his behavior. Trying to talk about it with him is all well (have you?) but he obviously didn't stop.
I just can't imagine going through this for 4 years! I've had an abusive father but as a child you don't have a choice like an adult has and I know that I would've left straight away given the choice.
You do have a choice and it's obviously yours to make. I understand that it's difficult but you're obviously looking for support or advice. I hope I didn't put you off now by saying straight what I think, sorry if I did <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Kat,

There�s a lot of statistics on relationships like yours. Unfortunately, a large number of these relationships end with the woman being killed by the abusive man, or permanently injured.

You may really love him, but sadly that's not enough to continue this relationship. Even if his violence is related to his drinking, that doesn't reduce the danger you're in, or the fact that you will probably never be able to trust him.

As hard as it will be, you need to: (1) contact a domestic abuse organization or battered women's shelter where you live, for help and further advice, and then (2) end the relationship.

Usually these abusive men will continue to harass and threaten you, and even attempt to harm you, after you leave the relationship. This is why you need to get established with a domestic violence organization or safe house FIRST.

Be aware that he will bombard you with guilt trips. That's just part of the pattern. It will be difficult, but you'll have to slowly re-gain your self-confidence without him, and learn to not allow him to get to you.

If he continues to threaten you, you will also need to contact the local police and consult with them. You may have to go to court briefly to get a restraining order. A restraining order will allow you to call the police if you even see him approaching you or your home, and he can then be arrested immediately. That will be essential to ensure your safety.

Please know that thousands of women have gone through these steps, and that you CAN do it - as difficult as it will be.

Before you know it, you'll be free of him and onto the next relationship, which hopefully will be a healthy one - which is very possible! I escaped an abusive relationship as a teenager, and it was the last abusive relationship I ever had.

If you need help finding an organization in your locality for help, please email me (email link above) with where you live, and I'll look into it for you.

Please don�t put this off any longer.

Take care.

Izzy, You Poor Thing!

Perhaps not a word of what we say will change your belief in this (so-called) man, but PLEASE read on....

Talk to a smoker who wished she'd quit a year ago, but will do so in a year's time.

It'll be soon, but she won't do it today. Nor will she do it tomorrow, but this time next year, she'll be saying exactly the same.

Domestic Violence doesn't quite work that way.

See if you can recognise any of what follows....

With every passing day, the victim loses a tiny bit more of her self-esteem and she slowly notices that her friends call less often.

By the time her female friends have been 'discouraged' from contacting such a "stupid b*tch", her male friends have long-since been warned off the idea of breaking up "a perfect marriage".

In time, she accepts that she deserves a black eye for the dinner being cold when 'he' gets home late and drunk.

After all, she's lucky to have a man at all. No male in his right mind would be interested in her. She's stupid not to really appreciate the fact that this 'man' is so incredibly loyal to such a worthless specimen as herself.

I've come across women who've been brainwashed into believing such BS, but many of them have come out of it to eventually live happy new lives. Just ask here!

All I ask of you -woman to woman- is that you reread the other replies, TOTALLY LOSE CONTACT and check in with a friend or hostel for a few weeks or months to give yourself space from 'him'.

If you REALLY LOVE HIM, you'll be doing both of you a favor! You'll come out better prepared to understand how to cope with his needs (if that's what you want).

If you're worried about being indoctrinated with the impression that "All men are b*st*rds", you've no need to worry.

We all know lovely men! Whether yours is, you'll only know when you've had some time apart.

BUT DON'T WARN HIM! JUST ORGANIZE AND DO IT!!!

There are links from here that provide advice.

I'm sorry I've only got occasional access to the net now, but you'll find my email address if you check my earlier posts here. I'm likely to get online and reply every week or so.

Every one of us here is all too familiar with your situation.

PLEASE trust our judgment. NONE OF US IS LYING!

Even if you think no one cares, we DO and we always will!

The words relating to The Statue Of Liberty mean little to most nowadays, but they STILL represents our feelings profoundly.

Even beyond that, all here believe in every person's right to the pursuit of happiness. Only those who've lost it can appreciate its importance. We do!

Sorry.... I haven't explained this well. I'm a bit emotional right now.

Sincerest love and hugs,

Emma xox

I was with my abuser on and off for 5 years. I took him back twice. Once I sent him backing to Arizona. But I found out I was pregnant so I paid $200 to get him back here. Everything was fine til I was 6 months along. He pushed me down in a public place and no one stopped to help me. Then when our son was 20 months old, I snuck and moved out. We were apart for about 5 or 6 months. I took him back because I was pregnant again and I was scared to raise 2 kids on my own. He made me promises upon promises especially when he found out I was going to have a girl. We were getting what we always wanted. A boy and a girl. THings were fine til right after she was born in 2003. This past May he beat me til I couldnt even sit up on the floor with my 4 yeaer old and 15 month old watching. He said he was going to go to bed before he killed me. I put a restraining order on him on Monday and he was put out of the house that next day. He tried to come back twice but was arrested. I havent seen him or heard from him since August.

I am now in therapy for what I went thru. I have a new man now who is a blessing. If he and I play fight my kids go into crying fits. If we even hug each other my 4 year old says don't hurt my mommy.

I wish someone would have warned me long ago to not go back to an abuser no matter how much I thought I loved him or needed him. Get out, get out now, get a restraining order if you have to because it works both ways. If you contact him or go around him and something happens, your happy little self will go to jail too LOL For your sanity and the kids if you have them, dont go back no matter how much you think he loves you or you think you love him. It is not worth it!!!

Izzy, there's a lot of good advice here and I'm not going to preach to you - but take this support from those of us who have been there. We all know how hard it is to leave. Part of this syndrome is an actual physical addiction. There is a hormone that addicts people to each other. The good news is that it is de-activated by having no contact with that person, frequently for as little as two weeks.

I left my ex 13 times before it finally "took." That last time, frankly, I was tired of being the one to leave. I'm not sure where the strength came from, but I decided that he was going.

I obtained a protective order while he was at work, then went home and packed all his clothes into trash bags. I put them out on the porch like the trash that he was and locked the doors. When he arrived, I went to the door, phone in hand and told him that if he didn't leave, I was calling the police and he would be arrested.

Amazingly, he left! All the times that I left didn't work - once because the shelter gave me a 2 week limit and I didn't see how, with 3 kids and no job, how I could find a place that quickly. But when I claimed my home for myself and my kids, and he knew we weren't homeless, he finally saw me as having the upper hand.

I had been using the services of the local domestic violence center for about a year, and it helped a lot to know other women in the same situation. I also had no knowledge of public services and they educated me to those. Counselors get burned out because so many women end up going home. A few weeks before this incident, I'd stopped in to see my counselor and she wasn't in a great mood. She actually snapped at me: "Just what DO you want?" At first it seemed rude, but it was just what I needed. I needed to ask myself the same question. The answer was that I wanted to live my life free of fear.

That was 18 years ago. I went on to get my Master's Degree in Social Work and my sons have grown into wonderful adult men. My ex apologized in his lame way a few years ago and we can actually speak to each other about the boys. They have a relationship with him and no illusions about what type of person he is.

If I had stayed, I have no doubt that I would have ended up dead or worse - killed him. For about a year before I left, I had vivid fantasies about killing him, and it scared me. This is a sign of battered women's syndrome.

You have our support, and please use your family, friends and professionals.

Izzy,

After 4 years of hell, I left. I won't go into the details, b ut I spent an awful lot of time in shelters. One woman I met opened the shelter after she was released from prison for killing her abuser. She spent ten years, the only reason she didn't get life was because she claimed self-defense. But she still had to pay.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I live with the effects of the abuse I suffered everyday. You can read another post by me in this same subject entitled "A Left Over Gift From My Abuser". Yesterday, I was talking with my son who is fourteen, (thats his picture) I asked him if he ever thought about his biological father. He said no and if he ever saw him again he'd beat the [censored] out of him.I was shocked at his vehemence, becasue he doesn't usually show this kind of anger. I asked him why, he replied "Because he beat you up and he never worked, he took drugs, and he treated you bad. You're my mom and you took care of me all my life. You sacrificed everything for me and he never did anything. I have a great dad now and he's not it." I was floored. I did the right thing after all. Even though it was hard and I was lonely and questioned myself alot. In the end, it is worth it. I'm a better person and my son is safe, healthy, happy and strong.