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#132634 10/16/03 11:35 AM
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Why is it victims of wife beating talk of loving wife beaters as if it is romantic. Surely we should be teaching them to hate such people. or else they will go back. If you love someone you will go back.
I have heard lots of victims of wife beating say i love him as if it is romantic i cfont see it as romantic. I bet the wife beater tell the the women. All that matters is we love eachother. i bet he brainwahes the woman to think that is all that matters.

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#132635 10/17/03 04:59 PM
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I think we teach people how we prefer to be treated--consciously or unconsciously.

If a person doesn't love or respect themselves, they will tolerate abuse. Likewise, if through conditioning or self-talk the individual feels that abuse=love or that they somehow deserve abuse, they will attract it and tolerate it. This is also closely linked to guilt, which is so closely enmeshed in Judeo-Christian culture that's it's rarely given a second thought by most.

However, I believe that guilt is entwined with control. As long as there are control freaks, and as long as there are those who can be controlled by others, you will have co-dependent and abusive relationships of all flavors.

Perhaps a more appropriate admonition is "Start Loving Yourself".

Just my take...

#132636 10/22/03 05:23 PM
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I have heard lots of victims of wife beating say i love him as if it is romantic i cfont see it as romantic. I bet the wife beater tell the the women. All that matters is we love eachother. i bet he brainwahes the woman to think that is all that matters.


I'm not sure what your trying to say here, but it sounds like your trying to say that the abuser is brainwashing the woman and that being abused is not romantic.

I have to say that first of all, abuse has nothing to do with love, but is all about control. Second, most women do not leave because of financial reasons, not love. If the abuser controls the household financially, it can be very hard to just pack up and leave. Most peoples families are not willing to just jump in and put themselves in the middle of a domestic dispute, no matter what they say. Especially when the dispute has passed over into the violent realm. Most fear for their own lives and livlyhood. Lastly, we all hold out hope that someone we love who is going through a bad time will pull through and become the person we know they have the potential to be. It's OK to love someone for who we see them as, but when faced with the possibility of abuse, most women do not stutter and blubber and say they love him and thats why they stay. You should do more research on this topic. There are millions of sources to click on just on the internet. There are also multitudes of info out there from your local area. Domestic Violence is not about brainwashing and love; it;s about control. That's all.

#132637 12/02/04 12:59 AM
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No, the women telling themselves that I love him gives them a thread to hang onto. They know that thread will cut thier throats one day but it doesn't matter.
It's like this, he/she's mean she/he forgvive them. The victim is then better than the abuser because they've tolerated and survived.
It's that darn disorder where the victim begins identifying with his/her abuser.
There's tons of brainwashing, on both sides, the abuser starts it, the victim continues it.
Once a vimctim can say look I don't need to be with him/her to love him/her they can finally be free of the abuse. But do you know how HARD it is to walk away from a war?

#132638 03/02/05 01:08 AM
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Quote:
I think we teach people how we prefer to be treated--consciously or unconsciously.

If a person doesn't love or respect themselves, they will tolerate abuse. Likewise, if through conditioning or self-talk the individual feels that abuse=love or that they somehow deserve abuse, they will attract it and tolerate it. This is also closely linked to guilt, which is so closely enmeshed in Judeo-Christian culture that's it's rarely given a second thought by most.

However, I believe that guilt is entwined with control. As long as there are control freaks, and as long as there are those who can be controlled by others, you will have co-dependent and abusive relationships of all flavors.

Perhaps a more appropriate admonition is "Start Loving Yourself".

Just my take...


I agree. It is learned behavior. A large percentage of victims grew up in physically or emotionally abusive homes and believe that this is normal. Their life script is written so that it can't happen any other way - unless and until the cycle is broken.

Society's attitudes have changed, but perfection is still a long way off.

In my work, I see something all the time that is a major obstacle to that change: people who make false allegations. Like sexual abuse, it's easy because it's difficult to prove. Authorities err on the side of caution and it is often later confirmed to be false. This is a major blow to true victims.

#132639 10/13/05 01:05 AM
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We are all aware of the cycle, I'm sure. The violence, the honeymoon stage, etc. Once the honeymoon stage occurs, and the abuser apologizes profusely to the victim, buys her gifts, promises to get help, and promises that it will never happen again, the victim begins to believe it.

We must remember that those living in domestic violence situations feel seemingly alone. No one knows what happens behind the closed-doors of their homes, because they are terrified to talk. We all know why. Therefore, those outside of their home perceive the abuser as being calm, socially friendly and pleasant, caring, responsible, funny etc. They don't see the battlefield occuring within the home.

When the victim does try to leave, oftentimes, she is told it can't possibly be happening like she says it is. She is told perhaps she must be doing something wrong, or she is perceiving it the wrong way. She is told that if she remembers the stress he is under, she could be more patient.

After hearing this, she listens to her abuser promise his love, and express his sorrow over what he has done. Because she loves him, she wants to believe that he truly isn't the monster that she knows him to be. She wants to believe that he is like those that live outside of their home perceive him to be.

It isn't about romanticizing, in my opinion, it's about not wanting to believe that the person she devoted her love to, is heartless, cruel, and vicious. When he tells her he is sorry, she wants to believe him. And most abusers make sure to sprinkle in good, happy moments with her, which in turn cause her to cling to those memories when the abuse is occuring. It is a cycle that occurs.

Those of us who have endured domestic violence, know this cycle all too well. It becomes a matter of believing, over time, that we are the ones at fault, we are crazy, making things up etc.

Just my thoughts.


Hope Fields

"Though I am one person,the voice which I use, to speak out against domestic violence, is the voice of many."
#132640 10/15/05 07:02 PM
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Hope I totally agree with you. "It is a vicious cycle" as my fiance' put it today. He and I have both gone through domestic violence relationships (but not with each other. He would rather lay down and die then hurt me) and he has told me about his cycle. Everyone I have talked to who has gone through abuse reports a cycle. But many have trouble breaking that cycle.


Jeanette Stingley - Women's Lit
http://womenslit.bellaonline.com
#132641 10/16/05 12:25 AM
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Jeanette,

Breaking it is the struggle, I believe. Even when a woman is a victim and enduring it currently, she doesn't know that it is an actual 'cycle,' but she does know what happens each time. For example, she knows that once he beats her, he will apologize, bring gifts etc. She knows what 'sets him off' so to speak, and avoids doing so. Therefore, she knows of a cycle, just doesn't know what it is until she receives help and learns more of it.

However, breaking that cycle, making the decision to not accept his apologies any longer and be his doormat is another story entirely. There are so many reasons, as we all can attest to, why women (including us) didn't leave or don't leave.

That's the beauty of this forum here -- it educates people and supports them in their process to healing. This place is awesome!

Last edited by hopefields; 10/16/05 12:27 AM.

Hope Fields

"Though I am one person,the voice which I use, to speak out against domestic violence, is the voice of many."
#132642 04/13/06 05:14 PM
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teaching hate isn't the way to be. these women loved their abusers and its a cycle that each have and were caught up in. yes its sad but its judgemental people that make staements such as this that make it harder for a woman. unless you truly experienced domestic violence and have walked in these womens shoes its easy to say just hate them or leave to me its degrading and humilating as much as the abuse its self. my sugesstion to this person is start educating your self because hatred is not the way. it only makes it worse and hurts the woman more then it does to help her get healthy and free from it tottally. i have been there. i lived it . i am free. some are not as lucky as me.

#132643 04/14/06 07:57 PM
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Hope,

I agree with you also. How do you get your mind around the fact that the man you love is killing you slowly? At first, the only way is to deny the reality of it. I finally accepted I was being abused after reading my journal repeatedly and seeing the pattern. I didn't accept he was trying to kill me until a year after I got out. Even now, I need to keep a list of the things he did up on the wall so that I never forget. As I heal, I hope the list will come down.

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