BellaOnline Forums Family Adoption Giving from the heart...

Like Marshwriggle, I too gave up a son for adoption in 1972. He was my 3rd child, and my circumstances at the time made it a wise decision. Wise, or not, it was the most excruciating and painful thing I've ever done. It took a long time for me to forgive myself and know that it was the right thing to do. Occasionally I think that maybe I should try to locate him, 30 years later, but I always stop myself because I just can't think how it would benefit either of us. I've never let myself think that he had anything but a great life and parents who truly wanted him. If the reality was anything other than that...???

Marshwriggle...how did you make the decision to locate your son? Was the adoption not totally your choice? If these questions are too personal, please forgive me. I've never had anyone to talk to about this subject and hope that maybe this forum will provide me with some incite and words of wisdom.

Joanne

Hello,
For my adopted son, it was very important to locate his biological parents. It gave him some sense of closure, or maybe completeness would be a better word. Our relationship is still very strong so finding them hasn't hurt me at all.
You say you don't know how you or your son would benefit for meeting but your son may need that connection. Even if you don't have a on-going close relationship in the future, it may be good for him to know who you are.

Fortunately, my baby came to me through an open adoption, where her birth mother made the decision to adopt and actually chose us to be her parents. What an honoring and humbling experience! I have experienced first-hand the benefits of all of us knowing one another.

As for locating adult children who were adopted at birth, I've known families who found their reunions to be very positive and beneficial. At the same time, I've known of families who regretted searching and reuniting. I'm no professional, but I'd think the key to a successful reunion would be considering the feelings of everyone involved and giving one another space and time to deal with all the issues that search/reunion may bring up. Search/reunion may be wonderful for one family but not so wonderful for another. This doesn't make one right, wrong, better, or worse. Adoption is complex and what works well for one person isn't the best choice for another.

I'd be honored to share some of you birth mothers' feelings/experiences in a future Bella Adoption article, if any of you would be kind enough to share that information. All information in the article would remain anonymous.

In the meantime, I highly recommend Adoption Blessings Newsletter, published by a friend of mine, for all members of the triad. The website is http://www.adoptionblessingsnewsletter.com

Karen
Adoption Host
Adoption @ BellaOnline
adoption@bellaonline.com

I am an adoptee, and from my view, I would die to meet my birthparents. I'm 16, and I can't wait to be legal age to search for them. I don't really have strong ties or a bond with my parents whom I live with, but I guess that happens in some cases. I've also spoken to many other adoptees who feel the same way I do, they would like to meet their birth parents. I think families should know each other. It's a great thing. peace.

Hello Bayberry,

I was forced to give my son up for adoption, I had no choice....I lost my son through coersian, lies and a very uncaring irish society back in 1981. I did not give my son up willingly and I was in a mother and baby home where the treatment lest just say was not good. I dont know if you have ever heard of the Magdeline Laundries in Ireland? well if not they were places that young girls were sent to if they were pregnant out of wedlock among other things such as being too pretty and a temptation to boys.....and these places were run by catholic nuns who got paid for each girl they had in their charge, they also got money for each child they sent for adoption. I decided to look for my son to leave him some medical information and to let him know that I did not give him up out of choice but that he was literally ripped from my arms and taken away. I was very lucky in that my guardian angel found my son for me on a contact register on www.adoptionireland.com and he had left his details on there 24 hours before I left my details on there.....now that is what I call fate and meant to be.

I have great respect for your mayberry in that you were able to give your child up especially while already having other children, that must have been heartbreaking for you. What are the benefits of finding your child mayberry, that he is alive that you can see him and hold him and touch him and hug him and show him how much you love him, that you loved him so much you gave him up for a better life than you could give him....if you are having thoughts about searching then go for it, what have u got to lose and an awful lot to gain....if you would like to email me anytime for support or a chat you are more than welcome to at:

anna-m.brown@ntlworld.com

Please pay a visit to my website where u will find a birth mothers page.

marshwriggle

I agree with you mrs bluejay and if an adoptive parent is secure in their relationship with their child then there is no threat with a relationship with the childs birth family.....

marshwriggle <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hello adopted mom

if you are interested in my story from a birth mothers side i am more than willing to tell you, if you would like to email me at

anna-m.brown@ntlworld.com

marshwriggle <img src="/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> anna-m.brown@ntlworld.com

Marshwiggle, I've e-mailed you.

AdoptedMom

We have recently opened our adoption up more with phone calls with my daughter's birth mother and siblings. This has given my daughter a better sense of who she is, and I think all the children are benefitting from the contact. Our family and many of our friends think we're nuts for doing this, but we know that we're doing what's best for our family. I truly expect my daughter's birth family to attend her graduation and wedding when she grows up.

AdoptedMom

I am 22 and I have a birth sister who is 20 and a birth brother who is 17. Last year my parents adoped an 18-month old girl. She is my father's nephew's daughter, so my second cousin. They were originally just taking care of her while her parents were in jail. However they never met the requirements to be able to get their daughter back, and in the meantime they had a son. Now the girl, Tiffani, is over two years old and her brother J.R. will be one year old in March. My parents were in the hospital the day he was born and took him home from the hospital. By now the birth parents have signed adoption papers and gotten divorced.

This was necessarily an open adoption and the children at first had required semiweekly visitations with their parents. After my parents became the legal guardians, they occasionally saw their parents. Now their birth father lives in Florida (my parents live in Pennsylvania) and they occasionally see their birth mother. They talk to their parents on the phone quite often, and they will continue to see them for holidays, birthdays, and other occasions. J.R. of course does not remember his birth parents as his parents. Tiffani seems to remember them and calls her birth mother "mommy" and my mother "mama."

I think they are going to be a bit confused as they get older but in the end they will be glad to have known their birth parents and have a relationship with them while at the same time being raised in a stable household with adoptive parents. I think it is imortant for a child's (and later an adult's) sense of identity to know who their natural parents are but also to be raised in a good place with good adoptive parents.