Dear friends,
Do read thru'...it's lengthy but i just wanted to share all that happened with my close friends so u have a clear picture. I think I side with the husband although the wife is my close friend.
Mr and Mrs. XYz studied in the same institution, met each other and after 6 months got engaged. They were married a year later...the boy liked the girl's positive attitude, the girl liked the boy's honesty. They never discussed in too much detail what they wanted their life, family and future to be. And that probably was what they should have discussed before getting married b'cos the boy likes to think through and take decisions, likes structure, irritatingly fair(b'cos lot of people didn't like this boy's idea of fairness). The girl is impulsive, doesn't like to plan things, is very loving, and very conscious about taking care of the basic household things.
The boy had grown up feeling neglected and unwanted, with an inferiority complex but had developed confidence after working for a couple of years and being married to the girl who had a cheerful and positive nature. The girl grew up in a large family, adored her father who had passed away a few years back. Even before marriage, the boy had noticed that she was emotionally very weak and was still thinking about her father a lot. The boy was also a very sensitive person and so he didn't think too much about it. Now 10 years later, both are in a mess.
They got married about a year after the boy got a job and the girl had a few months left to graduate. The boy didn't have plans to get engaged and married so soon but he always looked at what the girl wanted and rode along to see her happy. As he had grown up feeling lonely, he probably felt happy that he had fallen in love and there was someone who loved him.
A few months after marriage, the girl lost her sister. Obviously, she was in trauma and couldn't concentrate on her studies and later her job. The boy didn't know what to do except spend as much time as he could with her.
Things were ok for a while. The boy really wanted to find a job outside his hometown, find a good place and then get married. But now he had to stay with his family in his father's house where it was stressful. The girl adjusted well with her in-laws. After about 2 years the couple got a daughter. Barely three months after that , the girl had a tiff with the mother-in-law and started pestering the boy about moving. The boy thought that there was a legitimate reason and then they rented place. Things were going along well except for some minor arguments and then the boy got a nice offer for moving out of his hometown. The girl would have to leave her job. The boy said “Let me go and check things out for six months. Once I feel things are ok, you can join me.” The girl was more enthusiastic about going to another place b’cos she liked traveling.
One month later, the wife started crying about joining the husband. He said that he needed time to settle down but she was adamant saying that the kid really missed him. So, she joined him. This was a new place, the job was new, the workplace was not very friendly and so he was stressed out. And now the wife and kid had joined him. The wife was bored and tired since she had to stay home all day with the kid. He didn’t have a vehicle yet so he depended on his colleagues to pick him up and drop him. And he couldn’t take her out everyday. Finally, he bought a vehicle. For a few months they did all the shopping etc together. She was bored of sitting at home (in her hometown, she was working. She didn’t like to sit at home even on holidays. So, most of the free time was to visit her folks.) The kid was also ready for nursery and was enrolled. She wanted to drive although in that place most people would spend some time before allowing their wives to drive alone. But once something was in her mind, she would always pester him and emotionally blackmail him.
So, inspite of not wanting to do it so soon, he let her learn and then drive around. She started dropping off both him and the kid and then picking them up. She started spending a little more than what was necessary b’cos she was impulsive. There were arguments about unnecessary things being in the house but every few weeks the same thing would repeat. She made friends with some ladies in the colony who happened to be from the same place as them. Then there were get togethers and dinners etc. He didn’t really like spending time in parties but that was where his wife could meet most of the ladies. Life was good…but the boy always had this feeling at the back of his mind that he should be preparing for a good job and business when they were ready to go back to their hometown. After a year and a half she wanted to visit their hometown. Owing to the distance most of the people used to visit every 2 years or so. But she was adamant again. And then her brother had been involved in a major accident and the husband’s father was also sick. So, they visited their hometown for some time. They spent most of the time visiting relatives and had a good time. After going back, the husband started looking for a job. Since the wife wanted to work, she attended some classes to get herself prepared for a job. Getting a job was going to be difficult for her since the only jobs available were in a different industry. What he really wanted to do is take a few classes himself to move over to a better paying and a better field of work. But since she was always complaining about being bored and she had the same qualifications, he thought she would be better off working. So she did classes for about 9 months by which time he had found a new job. The pay was good, the company was good but he wasn’t getting the projects that he thought he would be working on. His wife was also trying to get a job. He had asked her to take some particular classes and answer some related exams. But she was in a hurry. Without complete preparation, she was jumping from one specialty area to another and trying to learn too many things. As a result, she failed the certification exams. He was trying to tell her that it took work experience to be able to clear those exams but she was frustrated. She also missed her family and hated having to spend time alone at home. He would have preferred that she handle it better for some more time and plan about doing business back home since they were planning to go back in 1-2 more years. Meanwhile, she had lot of health issues that took a toll on both of them emotionally. The kid was 5 years old now and hyperactive and demanding. She had seen his mother spend so much time with her in the previous 2 years that she was not willing to do anything on her own. When he came back home, most of his time was also spent with the kid. So, by the time the kid was put to bed, both of them were exhausted and didn’t really have time to talk much. As mentioned earlier the wife also didn’t like to spend too much time discussing things. So both were getting increasingly frustrated.
One of the ladies that the wife(Mrs. X) had met became her good friend. She started visiting this lady regularly and their kids also played together. Then one day when both X & Y were visiting this lady, there were other people including the lady’s husband. While introducing, this lady’s husband said that Mrs X was his good friend but didn’t say anything about Mr. X. Mr X. was livid but didn’t say anything. Then that lady and her husband went to a different town. There was something to be picked up from these people and Mrs. Y was ready to go alone although Mr. X didn’t want her to because it was some 300 kms. away. But not even once did Mrs. X say anything about being afraid or asking Mr. X to postpone the trip or accompany her. Mr. X specifically asked her not to go alone with that lady’s husband to get the stuff but to go with the lady. But she went anyway. Mr X. asked her about it but she came up with some reason. Then two weeks later, Mrs. X forced Mr. X who had lot of pending work to take her for this lady’s kid’s birthday. And there again Mr. X was angry b’cos this lady’s husband was talking to Mrs. X alone ignoring other people and away from the crowd.. Mr X noticed that Mrs. X also ignored him when he approached and continued talking. Mr. X also noticed that sparkle in her eyes that he had seen first when he had met her. That night Mr. X asked Mrs. X what was going on and that he didn’t like it. Mrs. X denied everything. So life went on.
The industry was hit badly and he couldn’t change jobs which he really wanted to. He was not gaining much experience nor expertise in the job. She was not ready to plan for going back. He always wanted to go back. But she wanted to extend the stay. At the same time, she also wanted to work which was almost impossible in this place.
Mrs. X’s health problems increased. She had to do a procedure that left both of them emotionally drained and extremely irritable. The child also wasn’t behaving which increased their irritability that in turn resulted in the child also being shouted upon for the smallest things. She was getting increasingly frustrated b’cos the chances of getting a job had become almost nil and her health problems had increased while he was frustrated that he wasn’t able to get the projects he wanted, couldn’t change jobs and couldn’t upgrade his skills to prepare for going back to his hometown.
Then she started pestering him for another child. He said “this is not the right time since we have to go back to our hometown and settle down. You will also take up work.” Again, she started emotionally blackmailing him. He finally agreed after a few months although she still had health problems. He was into his last project when his mother expired. He returned alone to his hometown for a few days. He was grieving and everything seemed hopeless. Mrs. X called to say she was pregnant. Mr. X was happy one moment but worried the next. Mrs. X’s health was bad, they were going to come back in 6 month, needed to settle down and having another kid at this juncture was all wrong. When he went back there was another problem. His project was going to get over sooner than expected, the to-be-born had some problem which had the potential of developing into a major problem by the time it was ready to be born. Mrs. X thought that they should move to another place. Mr. X inspite of knowing that they would be going back in a few months, decided to go ahead with the move. He asked Mrs. X to prepare(packing etc) to return back to their hometown by organising the move. Mr X. wanted to sell almost everything as was suggested by most friends. But Mrs. X wanted to take most of the stuff although it was going to cost a lot. She always had justifications for doing what she wanted. She would have to leave soon since she wouldn’t be able to travel later in her pregnancy. She then thought that their kid should enjoy his last few weeks by visiting amusement parks and favorite fast food joints. Mr. X was actually worried that he had not been able to plan his going back in a proper fashion. He had plans to start a business but a job initially would have helped. And the kind of job he was looking for wouldn’t be available in his hometown. Mrs. X wasn’t mentally prepared to leave. She asked Mr. X to look hard for a job and said she would come back even in her advanced pregnancy. Mr. X was annoyed. Instead of planning for what they had already decided long back, here was Mrs. X saying she wanted to be back. She left with the kid for their hometown. Mr. X would have to do all the packing and organising and would join them in a few weeks. He was mentally not ready to look for a job. His friends told him to look for a new job and wait for a few months and go back only when the baby was due. Anyway, they said, her family and your family will take care of her. But Mr. X wanted to be with Mrs. X b’cos of her health problems and the potential problem with the baby. So he landed in his hometown with just a general aim of doing business. No plan, nothing. He wanted to spend a few months with his wife until the baby was born and things settled down. The elder kid would also need his presence to adjust to a different place. The baby, thankfully, was born healthy. A few months later, during an argument Mrs. X came out with her feelings. She said, she was hurt b’cos Mr. X had accused her of being responsible for all problems. Mr. X said that he had also made mistakes and was only pointing out to her the things she had done wrong. He expected her to say sorry and move on. She didn’t like that. Mr. X also raised the issue about some other things which had hurt him. Like some friend used to call home a lot of times knowing fully well that Mr. X wouldn’t be home. Mr X said that he had just made an observation that he didn’t like it and Mrs. X should refrain from talking and somehow convey that this persons calls were not welcome. Mrs. X screamed that Mr. X had accused her both the times(with that lady’s husband and with this friend). Mr. X said that he was just stating the facts and it was upto Mrs. X to convey to any future rascals that their behaviour was not welcome. Mr. X said that he had expected to pay attention to him after his loss and he had become possessive and was also grieving. But she was thinking only about herself. This got her very angry. She said “ All these years that I cooked and looked after the kid is a waste.” Mr. X said “marriage is not just cooking”. She said “what is it then? I give you good food, look after the kid and household chores. What else do u need?” Mr. X said “don’t mix things up. We r talking about something different” but Mr X. knew she would. He called her “all or nothing”. No middle path. My way or the highway. That was what she did. He cursed himself for not being able to control his temper and refrain from saying anything.
Mr. X had started his business but he didn’t have any enthusiasm after the last few months of stress. He was very possessive and started asking Mrs. X details about her day. He also became suspicious about people and their intentions especially when he was invited by some of his old colleagues to join them in a venture and then some of them backed out after he had committed himself. A lot of times there were phone calls from a couple of people he knew that sounded like they had called just to see what he was doing and where he was. Why? Then Mrs. X also came up with reasons to venture out of her office. One or two times the reasons were pretty silly. Mr. X was annoyed and asked Mrs. X not to unnecessarily go out. Mrs. X again screamed that she was being accused. She also raised the previous issues. Mr X. asked her not to raise those since he had already explained those. He said he just wanted her to respect his wishes which was to convey to rascals(even if the are friends or relatives) that their ‘fresh’ behaviour had not gone unnoticed and avoid going out of the office. But Mrs. X was not ready to listen. All she talked about was that she was being accused of going out with someone. She said that she never asked him details about his day. Mr. X said “may be b’cos u are not interested. Anyway, whenever we get a chance to talk, you are disinterested and then fall asleep”
This went on every few months…Mr X didn’t like something and Mrs. X couldn’t tolerate being asked any kind of question. Mr. X was also mad that Mrs. X never seemed to be bothered that Mr. X was not very enthusiastic about the business and was not really earning anything substantial. Mrs. X like always said that things would improve on their own. Mr. X hated that she was never too bothered and found himself feeling neglected. He also felt tired b’cos of spending time driving and making four long trips every day just to pick up and drop his elder kid.
Then this week, Mr. X wanted to go meet a doctor. He thought that Mrs. X should accompany him (which earlier he had never asked). Mrs. X said ok but at the appointed time, didn’t call Mr. X. Mr. X was very angry now. He was already feeling neglected and this was the last straw. He had spent hours with her in hospitals and clinics and here when he had asked her, she didn’t even call. So he called to ask her, she said she was busy and wouldn’t be able to make it for some time. He couldn’t take it. Later that night, he asked her why she couldn’t make it. She said she was busy. He said he had to make three trips before he actually saw the doctor. She said “So, u hadn’t gone anyway when u called? What would I have done? Just sat there? “ Mr. X couldn’t believe his ears. She was actually saying this? This was the first time that he on his own had asked her to accompany. He lost it. For the next few days, he tried to stay aloof. Then a few days later, she came back from her sister’s and someone who Mr. X didn’t like came to drop off her luggage. He was mad. He asked her about it. She said she couldn’t do anything. He said all she could have done was to ask that guy to keep the luggage outside and then brought it in herself. She went into her screaming and crying mode again saying he was accusing her. He said “when u know that I had told u that I didn’t like the guy, why did u allow him to come into the house with your luggage. There were so many ways u could have avoided it.” Mr. X was annoyed that Mrs. X showed a careless attitude towards his feelings and opinions. Everytime and for everything, he realized, nothing that he said was listened to without saying something back or arguments. He was beginning to feel that he was wasting his time and effort trying to explain. He was hurt and he was going to wait until she took the initiative to mend things this time. He was tired of trying to mend things every single time, whether it was his fault or hers. But no, she just went crazy and said that Mr. X wanted her to die soon and that is why every few months he said things to her. She was going to stop eating and die. Mr. X couldn’t handle it any more. He had noticed a lot of changes in her but in his heart didn’t want to believe that there was someone or some people responsible for it. She claimed that Mr. X blamed her for everything and would be better off without her. Mr. X again said that he may have committed some mistakes and so did she. She couldn’t just blame it on fate. She had to accept them and also respect his wishes like he respected her desires. But she had gone into a mixture of defiance and self-pity mode. That was another thing Mr. X had noticed. She had that “try and stop me. I’m going to do what I want” look ever since they came back to their hometown. He was on the verge of giving up. All these years he had put his desires second most of the time when it came down to making a choice. Even the decision to come back was accelerated so that she could work. Now she came up with some pretext or another, usually nothing to do with her actual work, to go out for some meeting. Why was she acting like this? How many of the meetings really required her presence? Was she just trying to be important by involving herself in everything? Or was she being defiant and trying to prove something to Mr.X? Mr. X didn’t know what to do. He had told himself that he wouldn’t ask anything but he didn’t like Mrs. X just repeating things that she knew he didn’t like. All Mr. X was asking her to do was to respect those wishes.
Now, she had said she was not going to eat and die of hunger. Mr. X tried a few times
that day to force her to eat. But she refused.
What does the husband do now? He didn’t make some career decisions so that he could always be with his wife and kid. He also made some mistakes at other times in his career. Before marriage, she had specifically admitted that she didn’t want a career but prefer to be with kids. But everytime, she says she wants to keep busy outside the house. She says that she just wants the satisfaction of earning.When they left their hometown, inspite of knowing that there was very little chance of her getting a job, she wanted to attend classes and study. After coming back, she wanted to work but she also wanted another kid. The husband really wanted to take up a job and then slowly get his business running. But b’cos of the kid and she wanting to work he just started a business half-heartedly. Now, he is thinking of moving out of his hometown for a job again so that the cash keeps coming in and he can save again for investing in a business (where his 100% attention will not be needed), she says she can come only if she finds a job or can find some activity that will keep her busy. All this, when the husband has the experience to get 4-5 times her current salary.
During their arguments, the wife has already said things like, "You don't trust me..I have nothing to live for...it's only b'cos of the kids that I'm here" and "I'm mentally prepared for us to separate", and " I regret that I said yes to you". All this time the husband never regretted the decision to marry, but now after these kind of statements, he is also seriously thinking about a split.
Please help.
Thanks a lot.
DB
