BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage I need advise from someone who is married...

My name is Marissa and I am 19 years old. I just finished up my first year of college at a 4 year university. I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years now and marriage has come up a few times recently. But how do you know when you are old enough to get married?? and what should you have already established for yourself before you even consider being married? Please help me to answer my questions. Thanks

Take it from someone who made that mistake and wait until you are older. It's not a question of maturity or if you are ready. I speak from experieince.
I married a month before my 19th birthday, and now, 8 years later I realize that I had no clue "who" I was. Sadly, the person I grew into does not care much for the man I married. We have nothing in common, don't communicate at all, and are coming to terms with a pending separation and all that goes along with it...custody, dividing assests, etc.
As for college, FINISH before you marry. It is infinatly harder to do it while juggling a new marriage and making a home together. Sure, many women do it, but why sacrifice some of the most formative years of your life. I deeply regret missing out on the majority of my college years, and all the "living" that should have gone with them.
Weigh your options carefully. My thought is if you are questioning the decision enough to post about it...then you are not ready.
Good luck!
Karen

I think the answers to your questions are going to be different from person to person..not only because everyone has their own opinions on what age is best to get married, etc. but because I think it's all based on how you want your life to be 5-10-20 years from now.

I myself am 25 now and married happily with a 1.5 year old son, and was married after my 21st birthday..and I had planned it that way. Careers and money were of least importance to me and starting a family was #1 on my list. I do wish I had done some things differently, but I have no regrets.

So my advice to you would be to just follow your heart.. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Oh..that..and NEVER let anyone get in the way of your dreams and desires!

I was married when I was 3 months shy of my 19th birthday. We dated when I was in High School (we met at church and he was about to attend ministry college), and he asked me to marry him a few months after I graduated...right around my 18th birthday. My husband and I went to college together, pastored together, and weathered leukemia together. (He died one month after our 7 year anniversary.)

It's not about age as much as it about maturity and what you want out of life. Some women can't pick a good man no matter what age they find themselves...largely, because they don't like and respect themselves (so they settle for jerks and abusers).

I say follow your heart, not someone's personal experience or some set of external "appropriate" rules that someone made up. <img src="/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Btw, I spent about 10 months as a widow and re-married. We'll be celebrating our 7 year anniversary on August 7th. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Marissa:
I am Lily - 65 years old - just retired recently from church choir directing and music teaching after oh so many years! Married for 48 years now - ten children ranging from 47 to 23 years old and another 24 grandchildren - with three of our original ten children still not married.

I was married when I was 17 - husband 18 and this was the 1950's. I had won a vocal singing scholarship to the famous LaScala Milano conservatory in Italy and husband was a symphony class trumpet player scheduled to attend the prestigious Curtis Institute of Music in Philad. We opted for marriage - we loved and still love very deeply but in a heavy Jesus way! We had six children by the time I was 26 and we kind of consider them the "A" team....then a stop as far as children.....death of son at birth, and after nine years, we had three more, and these we consider the "B" team.

It's interesting that the "A" team - their morals, values, way they think (60's-90's) is so different from the "B" team (late 80's - 2004) and when we get together for holidays,...we hear them talk........then compare ourselves........then talk with 93 year old grreat grand father........generation to generation so many different ways of looking at things.
93 year old father - l out of 100 marriages end in divorce..

when we got married - 1 out of 25 end in divorce

A Team - 1 out of 12 - 15 - end in divorce

B Team - 1 out of 2 with the first changes to same sex and new ways of thinking

I'm putting myself in your place Marissa and remember back to a little bit of pot - some beer - you get pregnant you get married - probably 3 sex diseases - vs today.....my God, what a difference.....your living in a tough time.

I'm going to get corny on you right now and give you a little of my personal feelings and appreciate so much what I read above from the others....you all have so many experiences to share.

1. I personally feel, without a strong spiritual common base..........marriage at any time is very difficult - especially when children come into the picture.
2. If either of you "loose" their identity - their ability to grow and mature in marriage and love itself - then we wander, and wonder, and one will usually pass the other.
3. It will be easy on you both to wait - to focus your attention on education and getting established, but it can be done the other way, but you will need to expect much heavier responsibilities....you will need (both of you) to give give give to each other.
4. Together, you need to seek the Will of God in all things.........this is so difficult, especially in this age we live in and for those not into spirituality. You need to make yourself available to the Will of God, but also to have the courage to believe, that when you move along "according to your feelings" - many times, this is the Holy Spirit guiding you...God is actually saying something through you....and it's tough today to discern whether it's the dark side or the light side. We play so many mind games, that we often our confused about our feelings.
5. I could go on and on, but finally:
If this marriage and relationship is of God Almighty, nothing anyone can do or say will stop it. If it's not, .... anything anyone can do or say will make it happen.

Pray about this Marrisa... you have plenty of time, your involved in education this part of your life, ........ on the other hand, marriage to a person your truly love - have given time to pre cana training and realize what your getting into totally............is the creation of a new creature. It's not a 50 - 50 deal Marrisa....it's 100 - 100 and you really do become "one."

I often look back - realizing the girl who took my scholarship to LaScala, who was third to me in school, eventually went on to the Metropolitan Opera......I went on to giving my voice and talents to church work and school teaching. But when I look at our ten children and their families, I cry with joy.......although there have been serious set backs and sorrows, but I have truly lived life and the woman experience.

I have been truly blessed in a very deep way through marriage and family and music and growth and Give Glory to Almighty God for seeing me through.

Good luck Marissa .... and God Bless
Lily

Hi Browneyedbaeb,
Marriage is not something to be taken into lightly. I think it's important to look at your career goals. Your mates career goals. Do they mesh? Can they mesh? What sacafices are you willing to make and what sacrafices are they willing to make? You just finished 4 years of University. What do you want to do with the knowledge you've gained. Most importantly...do you love this person and can you see yourself going through good and hard times with them. Don't feel pressured into getting married. Anyone who wants to get you to do something you don't feel you're ready for isn't thinking about your interests. Whatever you decide try not to second guess yourself. Be confident in your decision. Whatever decision you make will be the right one.
Best wishes

It's not about age as much as it about maturity and what you want out of life. Some women can't pick a good man no matter what age they find themselves...largely, because they don't like and respect themselves (so they settle for jerks and abusers).

I think Janet's advice is the best. Marriage doesn't come with a full set of rules and regs. Each couple has to be devoted to theoother and committed to the life they develope together.

I was married when I was 3 months shy of my 19th birthday. We dated when I was in High School (we met at church and he was about to attend ministry college), and he asked me to marry him a few months after I graduated...right around my 18th birthday. My husband and I went to college together, pastored together, and weathered leukemia together. (He died one month after our 7 year anniversary.)

I'm sorry.

Btw, I spent about 10 months as a widow and re-married. We'll be celebrating our 7 year anniversary on August 7th.

Congratulations!!

I think you've received some really good advice. I'd add a few other things based on my own experience and years of counseling couples. Get to know his parents. That's where he learned his values. He will have many traits they do, if not now, he will reveal them to you through his behavior later on. If you can't meet his parents, ask him many questions about them and his relationship to them. Also, get some pre-marriage counseling. A counselor, whether from a church or not can help you (or the two of you) examine your goals and his and help you decide if you will blend together well as a couple. You really need to talk about what you both want out of life. Some questions to explore: if you both want children, what he thinks about you having a career in the near future and after you have children and/or finish school, your religious/spiritual preferences, what town you want to live in, if you're willing to move if your partner gets a better job offer, how orderly and neat you both are, who will be responsible for which parts of parenting if you decide to have children, who will be responsible for house work and how chores will be divided, how you will handle your bank accounts and other money and belongings, what you like to do for recreation alone and together, whether you want to buy a house or rent or live with parents. And, if you're already sexually active, your preferences and likes during lovemaking. If you can't talk to each other calmly and in a caring and reasonable way now, you probably aren't ready for marriage.

I was 19 and my wife was 16 when I proposed to her, (first day I met her) heh but we got married shortly after that (her mother had to sign for her), she got pregnant with our first son when she was a senior in HS ,
everyone told her she would Not make it (graduate etc,) but she graduated and went to collage and university and got her degree.
Our son is 25 years old now and is going thru med-school.

I helped my wife, and her mother helped us too bcs we were really poor at the time (we both work and make over 100K now) so...

Do Not Listen to those who say you will not make it.
The younger you get married the better you will enjoy your life.
people in the mall or other places think my son and my wife are brothers ans sisters! <img src="/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
we are still young enuff to go out and have activities with our sons (the other one is 19 now)...

It will take a lot of hard work for BOTH of you! Guys listen up, if you are lazy, do not get married and ruin a beautiful girl's life :x
Get your butts in geer and HELP YOUR WIFE OUT!

I changed diapers and fed the baby and I was going thru school too and worked part time at 2 places.
so I say do it but please do it with the Right Person.

First time I sawe my beautiful wife I knew she's be the one.
I asked her to marry me and she thought I was crazy. But form that moment on I promised myself to be with her thru thick and thin and always be there for her...
We had problems and fights too, some serious, but I alweays remembered the promise I made to myslef and stayed and saved the marriage and I begged her to do the same and she would do it (make up and come back home..etc..).

Any ways I mostly blame the guys for the break-ups. the men should be more sensitive and quit acting like a cow and stay with your wife and to hell with the other gys and going out for beers and weatching a stupid footbal game. Stay with your precious wife and enjoy her company.
If you cant do that then dont gert married at all.
sorry for the long post <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lots of great advice here, I won't go into great detail.

The best advice I can give is if you have doubts if part of you feels you are too young / should finish college / wait a while then listen to that part.

If you have doubts don't do it, I'm not saying never do it ... just don't do it now.

From personal experience I can tell you that having got married to young and divorced 4 years later, the reasons for the divorce were eeriliy similar to those doubts I had before marrying.