BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage My Story, maybe this can help !!!

When I was 19 I was kicked out and moved to Canada, and met this guy we got married few months laters I found out I was having I baby. Well I moved back home and had my lil girl alone. When I was 6 months that guy left me and went back to Canada to be with his mom and his family! I had my baby alone with my mom. A year and half after Marie was born I met Joe. He was my UPS guy. He was my soul mate I knew that in my heart. He as well was married at one point and also had a lil. girl named Lynn, she at the time was 5 and Marie was only a baby at 1 1/2. My ex never met Marie up to the piont I met Joe I was doing it alone without a father for her. Three years into it we are a family. When Lynn was 5 her bio mom left and went to New York alomst 2 1/2 years. So I became mommy... We have ran into so much being together. Even Joes family we no longer talk too. After being together his family dose not want to be part of me and Marie. We have sat down and told them that we are now a family. But still they didn't care so now we don't talk to them. I know Joe at times has a hard time with it. My family in the other hand have been over the top with open arms. I always feel a pull between me and Joe when it comes to the kids. At times I feel like walking out. I know I can't the kids love each other like sisters. And Marie, well Joe is the only father she knows, and Lynn well I'm the only mom who has not left her. Joe and I do more fighting then I would like and even in front of the kids. I know its bad, how can I change that! I have tried to talk to him about it but nothing chages. When hes mad he mad, and I'm the same I hate to say it.. How can I have a happy home and a happy bedroom with Joe??? <img src="/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

When my husband has his temper tantrums I just say that when he decides to stop acting that way I will be more interested in being his friend. that seems to help....I think as women we are just more able to understand our emotions than men are. I think... after 20 years and three husbands... that men have only two emotions in-the-mood and angry. I try to get my husband to use his imagination and put different labels on his feelings so I can respond better.

Remember, your husband is a grown adult man, but those children are a commission straight from God. God put the two of you together for a reason and whatever that is you owe it to those girls to find a way to make it work. My mother always says that patience is a virtue... I used to respond with "I'm just not that virtuous..." but the truth is that Joe has something that attracted you in the first place and you need to remember what that was.

Marisa, I am not a couselor but I have 2 kids by different dads and married someone who is no relation to them. He treats both kids like they are his (boys 22 & 8). It was hard at first but we made it to 7 1/2 years now. Have you tried looking for a support group in your area ? If there isn't a support group, check online, check out books. As I am sure you know fighting is so terrifying to the kids, is scares them to death. We did fight (still do) but I (notice that it is I meaning ME) decided to just stop it, I won't argue, yell, or scream. Maybe you need to decide to to that, it isn't easy but it worked for me. Also are you a stay at home Mom ? If you are make sure you are getting enough stimulation for you (like girlfriends or an hour or two shopping alone or doing something for yourself) I had the hardest time with that as I had worked all my life and then all of a sudden I was able to stay home with my kids, it was a very hard adjustment. Try to figure out what you are really fighting about.....Do you think he should help you more at home, or does he think that you should be doing something etc etc. There is a reason you guys are fighting, find what it is and nip it in the bud. Now his family, just keep in mind that you just can't change people, I know it is hard because my husbands sister makes little remarks whenever she can about our family. I realized she will NEVER change her mind so it's ok, I ignore her remarks, she gets no rise out of me. Don't get me wrong I want to rattle her up a little but honestly what she thinks or says DOESN'T MATTER! Keep that in mind, what his family says really doesn't matter, what you and your husband say to each other is what matters. Sorry so long, hope this helps. Good Luck

Marisa,
Blending families is not an easy task. I know this from working with many clients who are from or who have created a blended family, as well as from personal experience. Just the work you have done as a family-- is great.

The real problem here is you and Joe. Outside of all your other external stressors such as lack of family support etc. You and Joe have to work on the strength of your relationship as a couple first. WIthout it--those two beautiful girls will have no foundation to stand on.

You have to make decisions as adults and stick to them. THere is no "outside" force making you argue in front of the kids. It only takes one person to calm the situation and say "let's talk about this when the kids go to sleep, or go outside to play, or if necessary in another room with the door closed and some music in the background."

What do you and joe argue about? Money? Family? Sex? Whatever the issues, make the choice (and joe has to make it too) that the problems will only be between you and him. ANd solved between you and him.

If you'd like to talk further you can visit me at: GirlShrink.com <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here are some simple statements of fact that have helped me to settle differences between myself and my spouse and others:

We aren't mind readers.
Each of you must say directly what you want, not simply be disappointed when the other does not fulfill your expectations.

Everything we do and say are the result of learned behaviors.
New behaviors can replace old behaviors but they must first be identified. After that, new goals can be set and--MOST IMPORTANT--an action plan for learning the new behaviors can be set.

We are not responsible for another person's behavior. Their behavior is not a reflection on us (referring more to anything you or your husand do less than the children's behavior).
This was (well, and maybe still is) probably the most difficult for me. I would become so embarrassed by things my husband would do that I would scold him mercilessly. When I learned to shrug my shoulders and look away, things got much easier.

10 to 15 minutes of undivided attentions feeds another's soul the same as a good meal feeds our bodies.
With my son, I discovered that if I sat down and played with him for just a few minutes, then he would play by himself for hours and let me get my chores done. A shoulder rub after work would turn my husband into the most agreeable mate on the planet. Of course, you should ask to have your soul feed as well! I love to have my husband brush my hair.