BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Please advise

I am in a somewhat strange situation. My fiance and I have been together for 4 yrs. Until recently, he would go out almost every night to "hang out" with his friends. Long story short, I went to the doctor's office and found out I have an STD. I knew I was monogamous, but when I asked him he denied it over and over. The next night, while watching Maury (ironically the title was something like Cheating and Caught), he confesses he had a one night stand with a girl he used to work with. This is the second time he has been caught. (the first time was three years ago.)

I know a lot of people would say I should go, but I have three children with him. They adore their father. I don't think I could explain to my 7 and 3 year olds why Daddy is gone.

But I feel awful. It's not even the actual betrayal; it's the fact he could take such a cavalier stance when it comes to his and my health.(He was using a condom, but took it off because it didn't "feel good".) Someone please help me with this one. I don't want to make any jump decisions.

kaycee,
My husband and I went thru a similar thing about 6 years ago. He was attracted to another woman and one thing lead to another.... he denies anything physical but the damamge was done. I had a really rough time getting over it but I had to find away for the sake of my son. He simply adores his dad. (His stepdad actually)

It has been really hard to deal with the frustration and pain of the betrayal. His heart and his intimacy was supposed to be mine forever. The fact that he could be so cavalier about what he was robbing me of was the final straw. I left him for a while. I made it very clear that I didn't want a divorce. I also told him that if something came up during our separation that I couldn't trust, then it WAS over. I let him know that I had to be able to get in touch with him at a moments notice. That I had to know where he was at all times. That my trust had to be number one for him or it wasn't going to work. He understood that my feeling betrayed was what had to be healed. He was very respectful about it. He understood that he had to see thru my eyes. How would he react to this kind of betrayal if the shoe was on the other foot? I got lucky...he was commited to making our marriage work and one simple act of looking lustfully at another woman almost destroyed what he had taken years to build with me. He valued our life that we built. He loved our son and was willing to work real hard to find a way to earn my trust back. I got lucky....but my advice is to be real honest and straight forward about what you feel and what you need. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be willing to do what you have to do but don't roll over. Respect yourself and be respectful towards him. We show people how we want to be treated.

Just my humble opinion...

Hi,

Just my two cents, but I also went through this about 18 mos ago. I've been with him for almost 14 yrs now, 12-ish then. I know that knowing your significant other has been physical with another woman is very VERY hard to deal with and get beyond. My husband thought he loved this other woman, which was worse than any sex could ever be. Now in hindsight he realizes that he never did, she was just a crutch or shoulder to cry on. she listened to his problems, and she didnt know his flaws. she was like a puppy, there eager to listen and please. These women just happen to be there when the men are weak or vulnerable usually. I know it's easy to blame the other woman too, but the fact of the matter is, is she had no commitment to you, it was him that was supposed to remain faithful and that was hard for me to accept too. At first i had a ton of anger towards her. but what was she to me? she didnt owe me anything. (although i do hate women that go for married or taken men) I've got 2 kids that played a huge role in my decision to stay too. It is definately a struggle internally that you will be faced with for a while. All you can do is try your hardest to forgive. It is soooo hard some days. After 18 mos something will trigger a memory for me and i still question why. Dont second guess yourself or say things like 'if i only i had' or 'i should have'. dont blame yourself. Him being unfaithful is something he's got to deal with. I'm sure he's feeling guilty. Make sure he knows how you feel and that he needs to earn back your trust. Dont walk away from it without talking it out, or he'll think you are too eager to forgive him. it all comes down to what you are willing to accept, to forgive and to get over. If you can live with it and still love him, than he is probably worth it. If you cant and this will haunt you and eat you up inside, you need to get away from him for a while for you own sanity. dont let yourself get lost in the pain. you will get over that hump though. time is a wonderful healer. Keep your chin up, and know that there are so many women (and men) who have faced this same news of a spouse cheating. Take care..

Thank you, Jenna and Allyson. Your responses gave me a lot to think about. I have a rough journey ahead...

Being as useless as ever, I would like to ask you, Allyson, if you have ever asked yourself a question of why your husband went on to cry on that woman's shoulder and not yours? I must be missing some critical details, otherwise it seems to me that you have just as much guilt as he does ...