BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Relationship Ambivalence

Married 20 years.
2 kids

My wife doesn't wear her diamond ring (hasn't for awhile now).
I stopped wearing our wedding ring, also.

She can't come out and say "I love you"-although she gets upset and emotional if I talk seriously about breaking up.

During sex, neither one of us exchanges the words "I love you"

Neither one of us has fooled around.

I feel like I have one foot in the door and the other out.

We fight way too much about a lot of things, although the sex has been good recently.

At times it seems like we are friends having sex or that I have a room mate.

Counselor suggests the marriage is very fragile, I agree.

What kind of relationship is this? I don't know!!
Neither one of us are ready to walk out the door,
but this sure doesn't seem like what marriage is supposed to be.

Take a gander at my Article on love languages, if you haven't already. http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art10664.asp Since the sex has been good, there may be an element of the Physical Touch language in there. And the saying "I love you"? (Or lack thereof)...doesn't mean there isn't love there.

What are you guys fighting about? If it's petty issues, then what's underneath? Maybe your fighting is a way to attempt to achieve intimacy (as odd as that may sound). Some people use arguing to get closer to people...especially if they're afraid to be vulnerable.

Keep talking to one another. Ask questions of each other. Questions like "What do you need? What do you feel you're not getting? Where do you want to be in life and in our relationship right now?" Provide an atmosphere for honest and open sharing, without taking things personally and reacting to what is said. Maybe one of you could go first, and the other must be silent until all that needs to be said, is said...without interruption or fear of retaliation.

Just a few things to get your started...

I hope this helps!

Eastender, I too have been married for 20 years, have two kids and neither of us wears our wedding rings. That's where the comparison stops. Several years ago, after struggling for many years, really trying to put our marriage on a better footing, a friend picked up a book called The Power of Two by Susan Heitler and her husband. This book changed our marriage. Here's an address to an introduction to the book: Power of Two Intro
Check it out. It's a guide, very practical, that leads you to really talk to the other.

I am friends with a couple who have been together for about 10 years, married for seven. They are having a lot of relationship ambivalence. In my opinion, the difference between them and friends I have who seem rather happy with their marriages is that the unhappy couple doesn't seem to have any goals or growth they would like to achieve.

They live in the same house and sleep in the same bed, but there is nothing to keep them moving forward together.

- Rae

I think actually that "friends who have sex" is the ideal marriage! You should always be the best friend of your partner - enjoy being with them, comfortable to talk with them, etc. The 'hot steamy' passion doesn't last forever - you settle down into something more comfortable and long lasting.

I also agree that while new couples tend to say "I love you!" every 5 minutes, as you get older, you don't feel the need as much. You don't have to SAY it when you have sex - you already know it. There was a song called "More than Words" long ago and that is pretty key. You know you care for each other, you don't have to keep saying it to prove it.

And rings are things. They again are cool at first to "prove you are married". But after many years, you don't have the need to prove it. It's pretty obvious. My sister was marvelling to me recently, when visiting my house, that watching me and my boyfriend (live-together for 7 years) that it was so obvious we were a team. We would move past each other in tight spots like a choreographed dance and help each other out without thinking about it. That bond you form doesn't need 'proof' to show it exists.

But out of the things you said, the fighting is the bad part. One of the keys in any relationship is respect. You need to respect each other and each other's opinions. While this may involve having *different opinions* that you talk about, it should NOT involve fighting. So you guys really should read a book or talk to someone about ways to handle that better. And also if you want to "liven things up", take a vacation or something! There are always ways to make your relationship fresh and happy.