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I have been with my borfriend for 6 years. We have two great daughters ages 5 and 18mos. He also has a daughter from a past marriage. It has not been easy at all dealing with this little girl who's 9 yrs old and her mother. She says hurtful things to my kids and her mother is always making it very difficult to even see his daughter. He recently purposed to me and we are planning a wedding within the next year. He really wants his daughter to be in the wedding which I would love But I'm so afraid the mother is going to cause a scene or the daughter will. All I want is to be one happy family with ALL three daughters.How do I handle this

My son is in somewhat the same situation. His son is 2 years younger and more accepting.
The daughter is showing her loyality to her mom. The mom seems to need therapy. You may try to include them both in a family social setting (cookout or movie)to see how they both react. Try a neutral topic for civil conversation. If the dialog is pleasant then proceed further. If they insist on being out right rude,uncivil or disrespectful you have your answer. Use that as a measure for the wedding.
Oh now, I am no professional just stating an opinion. Good luck. May you have a beautiful, joyous and lasting wedding.
Many Blessings
Hugs

I am a little bit of a similiar situation but not involving children, as neither of us have any yet. My fiance and I are planning our wedding and we (or at least, I) are in a qualm about his older sister. She is very jealous that his parents like me so much and she does everything she can to ruin any time we all spend together. If they focus even a little attention on me instead of on her she totally flips out, throws childish tantrums, and curses me out. Even if they pay attention to her she still says mean and hurtful things to me behind her breath, and she has made up lies and totally unfounded rumors about me and tried to get them to not like me anymore by telling them all these horrible things I've supposedly done.

This woman is 30 years old (we are 22) and she, too, needs a lot of therapy I think! Of course at our wedding attention will be on me and I know she will try to ruin the whole thing, so I hope that the worst that happens is that we politely send her an invitation which she not so politely turns down. My fiance, on the other hand, is very hurt by her actions and tired of putting up with her immaturity, so he does not want to invite her at all. After recent developments, such as her spreading lies about me, I pretty much agree that she should have nothing to do with our celebration. Her daugther, however, is not only my fiance's neice but his goddaughter, and he is a father-type figure to her since she does not have one. She is 6 and I have been very close to her since she was 2 and I first met her, until recently when her mother keeps her away from both of us in order to "punish" my fiance for being with me. I am probably too naive and unrealistic, but I keep hoping that if we try to keep things peaceful, she will come and not make too much of a rukus, or not come and let her daughter come, so that the daugther can be our flowergirl. It's a shame that those of us with unruly family members or family members-to-be have this added stress during a time that is supposed to be so happy!

I have to say with only half tongue-in-cheek that the idea of a 'calm happy family' is a big myth <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If you look in ancient stories and even the Bible there are always bizarre things going on in families, jealousy, envy, unhappiness. There are always going to be people who envy you and want to hurt you so they feel less badly. Which of course is incredibly unhealthy, but the chance of you fixing the world is slim <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So the best you do over time is minimize your contact with people who cause you grief and also learn to let it roll off of you so it doesn't affect you. It's their problem, not yours. You've seen the movies, families can be *really* bizarre. So if she does something only half as bizarre, laugh it off. All of life (and especially weddings!) have their share of silly / bizarre moments that become fodder for funny tales for years to come.

I was a child of divorce and my mom's new boyfriend had 2 kids whose bitter mom constantly played them against him. It's *really* hard for a child to be in that situation and in essence they do what they can or have to to survive.

The mom probably won't change. Hopefully her anger at your guy will mellow over time, her own happiness in her own life will increase so that she doesn't feel like the only way she can get happiness is to harass you guys. People don't waste energy harassing others for good feelings if they already think they have a 'better life' because of their own circumstances. They just gloat, which you can live with <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Anyway. I don't think having the ex-wife there is necessary, that's asking for trouble. For the daughter, make her feel like she has a special role to play in the celebration, and that this is a celebration of your "family". You don't want her mom to give her the idea to 'sabotage the wedding of him and her'. You want the daughter to feel like 'this is for us all' and that she is a part of it. If she gives advice on colors of flowers and decorations and such, then she will take pride at the wedding when people are happy, and proudly say things like "I chose the cake topping!".

Anita, I don't think I've been part of one wedding yet (including my own) that did not involve some element of "do we really want THAT person there??". It's very common! And in the end, who you invite is COMPLETELY up to you. You are inviting family and friends to share in a intimate vow you are making. There is no "requirement" to invite family members that are X generations near you, or to invite friends that you see for at least Y hours per month. It is about you two inviting people who you feel will appreciate, understand and support the bond you are forming.

Yes, if you don't invite the sister, some people might ask each other why after the thing is over. But it's not like anyone will ask you at the ceremony or wedding. You will be blissfully sister-free. Hardly anyone will even *know* beforehand of course - and undoubtedly those she chooses to complain to will understand your motivation completely. You don't have to hear her complaining, and if anyone else tries to comment on it to you simply shut them off and say "Our Day, Our Way."

I would say her daughter is invited as special flower girl and that another relative will bring her to the ceremony. She might balk at first, wait her out and probably she'll change her mind and let her go (maybe with pressure from the parents). And to be honest, I was a flower girl at 6 for my aunt and I don't remember *any* of it now. So being or not being in your wedding isn't going to be a life-long memory for the girl, probably. Adults think it looks cute, but the kids get maybe bits of memories if that. It's a big swirl of 'lots of people' mostly. Other more one-on-one time is FAR more important.

You can make MANY more memories with the girl over the coming years which will be far more important than this one day. I remember many things about my aunt and all are about me and her doing things together, just us two. Those are the things that really stick.

On the other hand, you and your husband WILL remember this day for the rest of your lives, it will be an incredible memory that you treasure. This is a day about you two. So enjoy it with your real family and friends, and surround yourself with those who love you. They are really the ones who deserve to witness the vows.