BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage trust

What if you know that the man you love is lying to you and you want nothing more than to deal with the truth no matter how ugly it might be? But, for whatever reason, he would rather not deal with it? It sets up an enormous roadblock that says "we stop here if you don't believe my lies" ARRGGGGGGHHH! I want to marry him, but his hurdle must be conquered. Thanks for your comments.

Heidi

anybody have any interest in this topic?

Hi Heidi,

I think you are so right about the importance of honesty. It's at the very center of a happy relationship.

I have two thoughts. Be direct yourself. Ask him, if you haven't already done so. Assure him, as you mentioned above, that there is no thing too ugly for you too hear. Before you do this, you'll need to center yourself and determine how you are going to act if you hear something really disturbing. You may need to thank him for telling you and that you need some quiet time to think about what he's said.

Remember, that if he's worth his weight in gold, he'll tell you. I'm sure he'll be relieved to share whatever is on his mind and this will bring you closer. If not, you might want to consider if this is the right relationship for you. It's important to establish channels of communication now to set the tone for future trust.

Second, if your heart of hearts tells you that he is a keeper, then you need to find it in your heart to forgive. Forgiveness goes such a long way and helps relationships continue to be honest if one has made a past mistake. If we create safe environments for each other to "reveal" ourselves, we'll be less likely to hide something in the future.

One thing I've found is that not only must I forgive in my marriage, but I'm so grateful when my husband forgives me. And he does often. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />It's how we learn and grow.

In her chapter on Marriage, Mary Baker Eddy writes, "Beauty, wealth, or fame is incompetent to meet the demands of the affections, and should never weigh against the better claims of intellect, goodness, and virtue. (Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures)" These wise words remind me of what qualities it's most important to cherish in my partner.

One last thing. Be careful not to be a false accuser. It's easy to imagine things that are not happening. So be wise.

I hope this helps. It's not easy to discuss matters so close to the heart. But I'm happy to continue to talk if you like.

Trust is a hard thing you know. You should hardly ever entirely trust anyone, trust but not with your life, if you know what I mean. Anyone with one or two exceptions of course. You can trust your parents, but that's mostly natural ... and you must get to the point when you trust your wife ... well, I mean husband or yet-to-be-husband. Also, some things are hard to categorize. If he's not willing to tell you something is one thing ... if he's lying, it is a different thing. Also, if he's lying, why? Is he hiding something or is he afraid of saomething you may not approve?

If he's done something bad you know about but he tells you not and lies to you, then it's a point when you still may reconsider your options in choosing the partner for life.

If doesn't want to talk about something because he fears he might loose you it's a different thing. Your relationship may not have reached yet a point at which you're 100% confident in your partner's reaction. So he fears to tell you something that you may strongly disapprove. It's a tough situation to deal with actually. Because it might indeed be something that will change everything, or it might be a stupid little thing that matters not to you. But he doesn't know that and you don't know that, so he keeps silence not to touch this delicate issue.

Sollution ... I don't know ... I think I would insist in some way. Because if he's not telling you this means that he considers the issue to be important and it may very well be so and you have every right to know if you're to be together. I believe that things like these should be lead to their natural finale otherwise your life may not be good.

Also, there are things some people prefer not to talk to anyone about, no matter how close a person is. And it is fine, some complete privacy must also be respected. But how to tell apart which case is which? Is he not telling because it's something bad or because he just wants to keep it to himself? You must feel it. If you see him as a completely normal guy with no moral disturbances at all, if he treats you well and there never are situations you don't understand his odd behavior, then perhaps it's nothing major and you can give your marriage a green light. If you feel however that there is something that makes him tense, something that puts a distance between you tow, as tiny as it may be, then you must act with courage and set all dots above the "i" once and for all.

One last thing: if he's guilty of something, you must see two things - whether it is something you can forgive and get over with and if you really see that he's sorry about it.

A lenghty and not too usefull response, but also to a not so straight forward issue, you must admit. Any aditional information or details on your situation, Heidi, may set out talking on the more appropriate direction.

If doesn't want to talk about something because he fears he might loose you it's a different thing. Your relationship may not have reached yet a point at which you're 100% confident in your partner's reaction.

and

Also, there are things some people prefer not to talk to anyone about, no matter how close a person is. And it is fine, some complete privacy must also be respected.

This seems like good advice. I have dealt with these issues in my own marriage for 8 years. I have run the gamut of emotions; from feeling unworthy, to lied to, to complete betrayal. My conclusion after 8 years is that sometimes my husband needs to work out his problems by himself before he can come to me. Even if the problem in question has to do with his relationship to me.

To me, marriage is a decision made daily by the individual. So my advice to you is this, if you think he is a good man and is worhty of giving your life to, then trust your instincts and marry him. Once in the security of your intimate relationship you can make sure you give him a safe secure place to be himself and open up. Take an inventory of your reactions to other things in your life. Are you the type who tends to react strongly to things?...are you demonstrative in the way you express your emotions?...is he?...what is his mother like?...is she passionate and demonstrative or quiet and calming in stressful times?...these can give you clues to what is going on under the surface and you can begin to adjust your behaviour around him accordingly. I'm not saying change yourself or your personality, but you can moderate your respondse to him so he will feel safe. Remember to be prepared to accept anything he has to say in whatever way (except abusive of course) he chooses to express it.

Men are wired different than we are and it's taken me 8 years to vaugely (sp.) understand it. Talking is the greatest aphrodisiac there is. My husband is more sensitive and loving after he has had a chance to express himself and I have been responsive to him in a way that shows that I've heard him and loved him anyway.

Good Luck!!

Hi Heidi~

Trust is one of the hardest parts of any relationship, and takes time to develop. How long have you been in your relationship? That plays a huge role in trust i think. Backgrounds also play a big part. Maybe your guy has been burned or left heart broken before?

My husband and I have been together 14 yrs, and he never trusted me in the beginning because he was insecure. later on, he had an affair and lost all of my trust, which we are still working on rebuilding, but it's so hard.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and talk openly to people, but he doesnt, i have to work things out of him and have learned how to get him to talk over time. I'm sure when your boyfriend/husband wants to spill it, he will. Make it clear that the lines of communication are open on your end and you are totally understanding. I hope his secret isnt hurtful to you, and everything turns out ok. good luck!

~Allyson

I like what JennaRobinson said, "To me, marriage is a decision made daily by the individual."

Marriage is indeed a relationship one renews each day. I also agree with the point that there are certain things that our partners may be working out that we need to respect. I know that there are times I need some space to think things through.

So what to do? It's been my experience that human reasoning, weighing the pros & cons, and even "instinct" may not be reliable.

In matters like this, where life relationships are concerned, I find direction through prayer -- that quiet place in thought where one can ask Divine Love what to do. It may take some persistence since sometimes our will gets in the way. But, if you humbly let go of any pre-concieved notions about how things are to go and quietly listen...you'll get just the answer you need. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but it will be a blessing to both of you.

Hope that helps.