misstalia: Thank you so much for your kind words.
I don't always feel courageous, believe me. Nothing about a situation like what VirgoGirl is going through is easy. I am still trying to get over the heartbreak of my lost marriage and my ex-husband whom I considered to be my soulmate. It has been a year since the divorce and I am involved with another man who is a kind and gentle soul, but intense pain over what I was forced to give up because of who I am still remains. When you marry someone, it is with the understanding that your spouse loves you for the person you are inside and that is the most important thing to the both of you, celebrating each other as individuals with love and compassion. That "should" be the most important thing, what brought the two of you together in the first place. Nowhere is there a guarantee that there will be children in the marriage when taking marriage vows. Often there will be children as a result of a marriage, but for various reasons not every married couple will have children.
VirgoGirl: I have SO been there. A year before my marriage ended everything hit the fan. My husband's need for a child went out of control, to the point that he told me that having a child of your own and imparting your knowledge and beliefs onto this child was more important than the relationship you have with your domestic partner. What the heck??? If you don't have a good relationship with your spouse there is no reason to bring children into the world. The support of each other is what brings about the successful raising of children. I don't have to tell you how selfish this sounded to me when I heard it.
In any event, I had one heck of a time coming to terms with what was happening, and I didn't want to lose my husband with whom I had spent 19 years with. I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone. No matter what, there was no way I could bring myself to give in, although I did have a brief time of weakness. I went online to research the risks of having a child at my age. Here I was at age 42 and not yet pregnant, which means that if I could even successfully get pregnant I would not be giving birth until I was at least 43, if not 44 yrs old at the earliest.
I was afraid of the birth defects the baby could suffer, not to mention the medical risks to myself. I have blood pressure issues that I need to be on medication for. My mental state is not always the greatest either. In any event, any number of medical complications could arise. For a weekend I considered giving in and trying for a year to get pregnant but then I realized the harsh reality....my husband did not love me for who I truly was as a person. I know it would have been a mistake for me to go ahead and have a family with him. I knew that then and I know it now. It is not for me to raise a family, and in my heart and soul I have known that for many years.
I had thought I wanted children while my husband and I dated. Two weeks after the wedding I changed my mind and broke his heart. I was 26 then, and my mind never changed back to wanting children. He chose to stay with me out of "love" so he says, but the need for him to have his own family in the end was too great. The love he had for me had lessened through the years because he was not getting out of me what he wanted, even though for a long time he agreed with me that being child free was the best thing for both of us as a couple.
I don't think men change. If a man wants kids he always will, even if he distracts himself with other things for a time. You need to be true to yourself. If it does not feel right in your gut and in your heart, then it is NOT right for you. Your inner voice is your guide to who you truly are and what you can handle. If you do something as serious as this for someone else just to keep them around, it will only make your life very hard and unhappy. As difficult as it was to go through a divorce, there is no way I could have handled raising children, as much as I thought I could handle it when I had my weekend of weakness, trying to come up with the solution to keep my husband in my life by giving him a baby. I know he wanted all the kodak moments, but I know I would have been the one to shoulder most of the burden though.
So we move on....
On a side note.....my insane 40 yr old ex-husband who obviously cheated on me before we divorced is going to marry someone else this year who is 47 yrs old and has three kids of her own....two in college and one who is 14. I can't even imagine her having a baby at her age just to please him. I at least can say that there is no reason for me to be jealous of her. Had he chosen someone pretty and much younger maybe I would be jealous. This new woman is neither.
Last edited by Cassie67; 06/15/11 01:18 PM.
