Okay first time posting here as I've read many times from others on this forum. I can only conclude that many, if not all of us end up here for similar reasons. I am so out of energy and so warn out that I thought I'd take a shot at sharing my story to see if I could get some feedback. The people here really seem to understand. I was drawn to this forum to see women's perspectives on having kids and whether it was always the woman pressuring the man. I was relieved to find out otherwise.
Married 3 years now to a woman I love very much. We had a rocky road from the beginning however. We briefly spoke about kids before marriage. I agreed that some day I would want them. The first year of marriage we had intimacy problems. She was never interested and insisted that I just hurry up and take it how I could get it...when and how she was willing. There was no connection. It was mechanical and not with feeling and love. I was even told by her that she just didn't care about sex and that it was just overrated. She told me that it was all I cared about. I tried explaining to her numerous times that it was much more than physical and that sex created a bond between 2 people who love each other. It is an unspoken connection and a form of love and communication. Out of frustration I eventually told her that it just might not work out at all because it just felt like we had no spark. Eventually I withdrew and gave up on intimacy because I felt so rejected. I resorted to building our friendship instead.
At the end of year 1 which was full of arguments and devoid of intimacy she asked me for kids. I firmly declined, telling her that it was crazy to even consider it given the status of the relationship dynamics. We didn't even get along or share intimacy more than once a month if even. This made me question her motives and judgement. Was this all for the purpose of having children? Am I merely filling a role?
Since then(2 more yrs) our friendship within the marriage has progressed greatly. Most of the time we really enjoy spending time together and doing things together, talk and laugh a lot, and share lots of quality time. The only problem for me was her occasional hurtful or disrespectful comment which she has improved on quite a bit.
It seemed as if things might actually work out and we were doing better as a couple. I had great hope and had accepted that our relationship would just be more of a friendship based one. I was willing to accept that and to love her for who she was. We had been through a lot and finally really seemed to find a sincere and loving connection.
For the last year or so we have been pretty happy and with the exception of a few bumps. About 4 months ago she started asking me about having kids again. As we were still working on things I just told her I didn't think I was ready. I wanted to work on "us" more and also to save up more to buy a place. We are very early 30's now. It seemed reasonable. I thought she would repsect it and back off. Since then she has interrogated me repeatedly about children week after week for the last few months. I respectfully asked her to please just back off wait a while so that we could solidify our relationship, spend time together and just enjoy our life together, maybe travel a bit more etc. We were finally on the right track and making great progress as a couple and were much happier than we had ever been. This meant the world to me. I was happy that we had made this much progress.
During the last 2 months or so she has resorted to threats of walking out if I am not willing to cooperate with her and start trying for a pregnancy. I tried listening, acknowledging her concerns and discussing it calmly. I made every attempt, suggesting counseling more than once and trying to make the best of things in the mean time. She refused counseling and kept delivering ultimatums saying that if I did not agree to start trying for kids that I would need to leave. I was shocked. If I did not decide she said that she would decide for me. I expressed to her that I understood her urgency but that because of her constant ultimatums I felt deeply hurt and not respected. I relayed that I was totally amazed that she would actually be willing to throw away the love and relationship we shared and had worked so hard for. I asked her repeatedly thinking she would realize what I was saying and adjust her perspective and give me the time I need to be ready to move on to the next step(having kids). I am still in total disbelief that she would throw it all away just because I am not ready to start trying for kids right now. It hurts me so much to think about it. It consumes me and I just feel drained and stressed. Recently she confronted me again and said that I need to decide immediately if I am willing to start "trying". If not, then I need to get my things together and leave. If I did not decide she said she would decide for me. This is her final offer. I told her that I cannot help but feel like she just doesn't love me enough or respect me enough if she is not willing to work with me on this rather than just ending the marriage after 3 yrs. We are each other's best friends and partners in life. It baffles me beyond belief. It's so hurtful. I feel I have no other choice but to leave soon and it kills me. I feel like she's forcing me out the door. She maintains that if I loved her enough I would just agree and do it. I told her it had nothing to do with my love for her. She said I needed to agree NOW to try to get pregnant soon or leave. I told her kids are not something I am ready for yet but I was willing to eventually try when I felt ready.
I strongly believe you take your marriage vows to the person you marry and do not feel like this ultimatum I am being subjected to is fair in any way. I have contemplated just going along with it but feel like I would be betraying myself in the long run. I just feel overwhelmed and at a loss. I fear losing my best friend and partner. It's so hard to accept. Even if she expressed some understanding and agreed to back off for a while I would likely feel more comfortable. Under the terms of an ultimatum however I just can't allow myself to make such a big decision and feel right about it. Thoughts and feedback from anyone would be so appreciated. I just feel so betrayed.
