hi kathy,
thank you so much for the reply. I am a bit techno challenged and cannot figure out how to write private emails so I will stay on this forum. frankly, my husband would never go on this site and if he did, he needs to read the TRUTH anyway. so be it. As far as support, i was in al-anon for 10 years but i now have a young child and live in a city that does not have many meetings. I still use the literature and email program people. I have had therapy too but that did not help in my ultimate choice of a mate - i got pregnant very quickly after meeting my husband and even though i saw almost everything in his behavior I did not see the extent of the debting/spending, i decided to try out marriage and family life as i was 40 years old when i had a child - a blessing!
I still do not feel comfortable talking so much about debting and compulsive spending at al-anon as it is about living wtih active alcoholics. for me, all addiction has the same base, shame, fear and depression that has not been dealt with. After 7 years of marriage i have found a way to "work around" the money issues and my husband does let me take care of SOME of the money - not all. I have confronted his addiction but he gets into a rage and then just acts like nothing is wrong a few days later ! _ power of denial. I try to work my program and to take care of myself and my child. our house is in MY name only and has been for 6 years. He is allowing me to pay off the mortgage and to start a college fund and savings account in MY name only. he gives me cash each month to invest in "my" name and I am honest that I want creditor proof money. I wll NOT put my name on his credit cards and will NOT ever sign anything with him that has to do with money. He has over 750K of personal/business debt and he is slowly paying it off. he does make a lot of money but not nearly enough to pay this off in his lifetime. I have also spoken to a bankruptcy lawyer and he said that he is not solvent but could possible avoid bankruptcy if he continues to pay large amounts on his debt for 10 years ( if he lives that long! he is 13 years my senior). the lawyer e also told me that I would be able to keep our home if he goes bankrupt. I want the college fund and savings and then I will feel "Okay". I also have a career and I am choosing to take time off to raise my 6 year old. I help with my husbands business so that we do NOT go under. I do this consciously for the good of my son. Mostly I worry that my husband is 60 years old (a doctor) and that if he gets sick, the house of cards will fall apart. He spends 3K per weekend on NOTHING and if he got sick, even for a short time, this would not work out. my son would experience an extreme change in our living and financial lives if things do not turn around soon.
We have some disability and our accountant says this would be the worst case scenario. I try to take constructive action and he is not blocking me from most of these actions, however, he still compulsively spends on cars, clothing, trips, etc, etc. I know that underneath he is ashamed, lonely and scared. I do have compassion for him but it is also hard on our son who is witnessing an addiction. I pray to GOD that my son does not follow in his footsteps with regard to addiction/money.
If you know of any resources, books or other support, please let meknow. Sorry to go on so long. When I talk to friends they just tell me to "talk to him" so that he will 'stop" THEY DO NOT GET THE RAGE involved with active addiction. They feel that this is "rational" and it is just a tiny bit of over-spending. It is impossible for me to explain how extreme this is. Any ideas?
THANKS! Sarah
