I don't know what to do. I've been through councelling 4 times, and am currently doing so. I've been medicated, I've been vacationed. I can't stand having children. They don't let me live. I give them everything in the world, and all I feel is suffering. I can't relax, I can't think, it's amazing I get them where they need to be through out the day. I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I don't want to feel like the local crazy head on the block. My councellers over the years have told me..this'll pass it's just a phase. Things will get better, blah blah blah. It's been 5 years of pure hell. I feel awful all the time for thinking this, feeling this..but I can't stop. I don't want children. I never ever did. I got pregnant, and had the support of a million hearts. Now, all I get is criticizm. I can't get enough of that. I can't get a sitter, I can't get a break and I can't stop hating my children in my head. Of course..there's fun times, there's laughter. But it all comes back to this feeling of hatred and depression. When i was treated for depression I just felt worse, and when I switched to another pill, it was another kind of sadness. I just don't know what to do, I can't do anything!!! I know deep down I love them, and want to see them grow. But I just can't take this [censored] anymore..it's so unfair and its so un-enjoyable. I feel alone, I feel like i'm the only one who feels this way. My kids are 5 and 7, so they won't "grow" on me..if u know what i mean. I just feel like I can't take it anymore, and I'm scared that one day I'll just up and leave my kids with out realizing what I'm doing. Maybe I should be commited..but there's my excuse to stop being a mother. So thats just an escape, not a solution..Man..i'm so lost and alone..am I the only one like this that feels like this ?? It sure feels so.
