I don't know what to do. I've been through councelling 4 times, and am currently doing so. I've been medicated, I've been vacationed. I can't stand having children. They don't let me live. I give them everything in the world, and all I feel is suffering. I can't relax, I can't think, it's amazing I get them where they need to be through out the day. I want my life back. I want to be happy again. I don't want to feel like the local crazy head on the block. My councellers over the years have told me..this'll pass it's just a phase. Things will get better, blah blah blah. It's been 5 years of pure hell. I feel awful all the time for thinking this, feeling this..but I can't stop. I don't want children. I never ever did. I got pregnant, and had the support of a million hearts. Now, all I get is criticizm. I can't get enough of that. I can't get a sitter, I can't get a break and I can't stop hating my children in my head. Of course..there's fun times, there's laughter. But it all comes back to this feeling of hatred and depression. When i was treated for depression I just felt worse, and when I switched to another pill, it was another kind of sadness. I just don't know what to do, I can't do anything!!! I know deep down I love them, and want to see them grow. But I just can't take this [censored] anymore..it's so unfair and its so un-enjoyable. I feel alone, I feel like i'm the only one who feels this way. My kids are 5 and 7, so they won't "grow" on me..if u know what i mean. I just feel like I can't take it anymore, and I'm scared that one day I'll just up and leave my kids with out realizing what I'm doing. Maybe I should be commited..but there's my excuse to stop being a mother. So thats just an escape, not a solution..Man..i'm so lost and alone..am I the only one like this that feels like this ?? It sure feels so.

I feel a little differently today, so again I'm going to try and make a difference for myself. Again, i'm going to try and prove to myself that being a mother is the best job in the world. I try every day, and every day I fail myself. Today, we are getting out the pottery wheel, and are going to make some dishes. I hope that with this project I can bring out the best in all of us. Every day I try to erase those feelings I listed above. I hate feeling the way I do, and I do try every day to change.

Hi LivingProof,

I understand a little of whaat you are feeling. I suffer from depression and bi-polar, and there are days that I just can't handle the thought of being a mom. Heck there are days I can't handle the thought of being a person!

I'm lucky in that I have family around me that understand thst I suffer from depression, and can take the kids from time to time.

I noticed you said while you were pregnant you had a million supporters, but none now. Is it that you no longer live near family, or that they don't understand?

I know you said you've been treated for depression, but it made it worse. Have you been to straight out counseling? Taking family members with you might help them to understand what you are going through. Just getting the kids to grandmas for every other weekend could be a tremendous help to you. It would give you a break, but also give you seomthing to look forward to.

Also, I noticed that you said you are getting out the pottery wheel today...are you homeschooling, or is it just that the little one isn't old enought to be in school yet?

Maybe instead of getting out the pottery wheel to do a project together, you can get it out to do a project for you. It is so easy to become overwhelmed as a mom, and lose our identity as a woman. Finding hobbies or taking classes can sometimes help reestablish thst sense of self that has nothing to do with our children.

Hang in there, and give yourslef credit for all the effort you are putting into it.

You need a mommie timeout! take the kids to grandma or loan them out to there friends and take a break! At our church when i as in the youth group we had a big brothers big sister type thing going. each teen would take a child from one of the parents for a saturday and hang out with them. this was the best birth control for me because I would take a child at that age where they have non stop questions about everything and they pick up on your worst habits and annoy you to insanity! anyways it gave the moms a day off and the teens the chance to see what mommie life was really like at different ages. It was a win-win deal.

Also my mom had the MOMMIES quite time! Every day she would set and sew and watch her tv shows and i had to be quite and leave her alone. I could watch tv with her only if i was quite and did not bug her. the only exeption she aloud was if i could not breath because of my asthma, or i was throwing up so loud she could not hear the tv, or I was bleeding and it was more then a bandaide could fix!
it may take a while to get this rule inforced but....my mom loved her MOMMIES QUITE TIME!!!!!
My mom inforced this by flat out ignoreing me. She told me this is her time and she said it one time. If i buged her she would ignore me and if i through a fit she would bust my butt and send me to my room with out any toys or anything and if i dared to come out she would bust me again. I only did that once and learned very fast mom gets her quite time and then i can have mommie play time later and she is soooo much happier.

anyways I am sure busting of butts is not allowed anymore but you can think of something I am sure! good luck!

if you are bringing out a pottery wheel i am unsure how you can think you have "failed". children just to have time w/ you, feel special and most of all make YOU happy.

it sounds like you could use some time being a woman, and not a mom. can you take a spa day, get a pedi, walk to shops alone, something that you like to do w/o children?! Hey, go get a cocktail w/ a friend (if you drink, of course).

reaching out is a good thing to do . . . i am looking for a new mommy support group in my area, maybe that is something you should think about doing.

Oh how I know what you're going through. I feel the same way. My 14-year-old is completely out of control and just told me to leave her the f**k alone and to f**king shut up. Part of me wants to storm into her room and smack the [censored] out of her for talking to me that way. Then rip out the lip rings she's not supposed to have in ... Part of me wishes she would go live with her dad or just run away somewhere. I hate feeling this way, but to be totally truthful, I've felt like this with her almost since she was born. She was a difficult baby who cried a lot, was very temperamental, and I honestly don't think I've ever enjoyed being her mom. She lived with her dad for four years because it got so bad I couldn't handle it anymore. So, you aren't alone. I've done counseling. I, too, am bipolar and suffer mostly from depression. I have no family around to support me. My mom lives 9 hours away and the entire rest of my family is 13 hours away. My husband's family has never really taken to her - not entirely their fault - so most of what I get is her dad and stepmom reminding me that it's my fault she is this way. I'm pretty sure my marriage isn't going to withstand four more years with her. I hate being a mom so much it's affecting the rest of the family and there's now a distinct line between my husband and his kids and my daughter and me. I hate that I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night rather than being at an event that was important to my husband because I can't trust my 14-year-old at home alone or even at a friend's house. I hate that I drove 45 minutes to get a hair cut and go shopping and only managed the haircut because I had to come all the way back and then drive 30 more minutes to pick her up because she was trying to go to a show after I said no. I hate that she takes so much of me I don't have anything left for the rest of the family. I hate that I count the minutes until she goes to spend some time with her dad, that I'll let her do something just because it means she won't be home making the rest of the family miserable, that she has all of my worst traits and few of my good ones. I guess mostly I hate me and I know that I can't really love anyone else until I love myself.

So, you aren't alone. I, too, wake up every morning telling myself today is a new day and I will show my children unconditional love and I will be a great mom. And I go to bed wishing I just wouldn't wake up tomorrow.

As a homeschooler, I feel your pain. I love my son so much, but I don't always love being always on-duty as a parent!

Can you separate those out at all? I don't mean that you have to have a career or something, but it has helped me so much to have some work that isn't parenting. A lot of what I do has to do with homeschooling -- I teach some classes to other homeschoolers, I edit a homeschooling magazine -- but still it's work that I can call my own, it's some money, it's a sense of self.

I'm also trying to make sure that I do things that are just plain enjoyable to me. It's so hard because work is so constant, but I do things like write goofy fiction that has basically no chance of selling, just as an escape.

Also, blatantly refusing to be a Stepford mom has really helped me. I mark out *huge* boundaries in terms of what I need. I'm a homeschooler who's a loner -- a really rough combination! And we live in a tiny apartment! So that's made me all the more adamant about making a space for myself.

I hope any of this helps at all...

My son turns 13 this month and first year doing school at home with california virtual academy so my freedom and gym time is gone. We get on each others nerves at times, but this is safest for my son.

Does your gym time need to be gone? Can you leave your 13 yo home alone -- or bring him to the gym so he can work out -- on occasion?

I've homeschooled my ds since he was 10.5, and I've found that as he gets older, I gain more freedom, because I am more comfortable leaving him alone for longer periods of time.

wow...this sounds like the story of my life for the past 5 years. I have a post on "mom" titled I hate being a mom. This totally sucks, HEY

Bonnie, do any of the (what's the word?) advocacy groups offer assistance to come out maybe 3 times a week or so?

If you could just get a professional to come out and watch over the boys for a ciupke of hours a few days a week, it would make a huge difference.

OR have you considered doing a co-op with other parents of autistic children?

I've just started getting involved in our local spectrum support group, and it has been amazing. They have tons of stuff for the kids, but then lots of stuff for us - that has been a lifesaver in just knowing I'm not alone. (Of course I've know I had YOU for years now; but Cali to GA is quite a trip, LOL!!)

I think a lot more people feel this way than care to admit. It's wonderful and brave to talk about it. Most people hide it.

I used to work as a personal assistant for people who needed help around the house with kids. There were little indications here and there that I wouldn't have seen otherwise that just simply made them human.

For the most part there were either anti-depression medications, sleeping aids or little bottles of alcohol tucked (not that it was alcoholism, that's not the impression I got anyway) here and there. You could just tell the way they were set up someone went and grabbed a sip.

Having kids, well it's only Erma Bombecky in the commercials for Disney World. It is very stressful. At best you get 9 months of fantasy, if you let yourself even go that route which reality sets in, shortly there after.

If it's an affordable or practical solution, you could hire someone to tend to the picking up of the children, errands, and such. Working for a corporation we would only get paid around $7 or $8 an hour. If a household really liked our work, they would hire us independant, though, with much better wages and benefits. Personally, I feel people would answer an ad if the working conditions were pleasant for a lower wage.

Just an idea.

Elleise
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I know this is off topic, but please indulge me, here. I've read all of Erma Bombeck's books, most more than once. She described motherhood as exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming, among other things. I think her name might have been the wrong one for your analogy, Elleise, though off-hand, 50's sitcom Moms are the only replacement names that come to mind.

It is exhausting but she always seemed to have an analogy that made sense to just about everyone and everything, especially to those who read it. When you're going through it, it just seems like there are no answers, even if you know somewhere there is one.

I guess the analogy could have been different.

Elleise
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The ideal of motherhood is a myth. Religions and society have glorified motherhood and made any woman who wasn't thrilled with the idea of being a mother an outcast. There had to be "something wrong with her" if she wasn't ready to sacrifice her all for her children.

The original post was back in Feb...that kind of concerns me for the poster. I hope all is well for her.

Hi! I just wanted to write and offer words of support--take what you want, and leave the rest.

You sound like a wonderful mother!

There was one part of your post that I can't get out of my mind, so I wanted to post a few things about it, based on what I've had other moms mention to me. Just in case you can use any of the information.

Quote: "When i was treated for depression I just felt worse, and when I switched to another pill, it was another kind of sadness".

First, I would address this issue now. Talk with your counselor about reasons why the second pill did not work. Where there any interactions (a friend informed me that over the counter medicines, and even foods and drinks can make medicine used to treat depression less effective. I think I read an article about this as well�talk to you counselor).

Or, perhaps it�s time to try a new medicine. Please talk with your counselor�and if you are not satisfied, then get another one (your primary care doctor or OBGYN can be a great source for recommendations).

There are some very effective medicines out there for depression, and sometimes you may need something different that you had taken previously. Talk with your doctor or counselor.

Second, I think Michelle�s idea about counting counseling is right on. Please, talk with your counselor about setting up regular sessions, at least for a little while. At the very least, you can vent your frustrations and feelings to someone who really does understand.

It�s important for your primary care doctor and your counselor to be on the same page. Create a team, so to speak, that can help for times when you are depressed, or the depression gets worse.

Do you think it might be a good idea for your family to go talk with someone as well? If for nothing else then maybe to gets tips or plans to cope with any rough areas (kids not helping out with chores, getting away with too much, etc...I'm not saying AT ALL that your kids are doing that, just trying to think of issues that can add on to the stress you are already under).

It sounds like you do so much for your family--you sound like a wonderful mother Now it�s time to do so much for yourself. You are the leader, now it�s time to create your own team for your own health.

I read your post and another one similar, and they broke my heart. But please know (and anyone else as well) there is help out there.

Is there another mom that you can trade off babysitting hours with? And, don�t be afraid to open up to other moms in your area (and here too of course), because even if that Mom doesn�t know what you are going through, I bet you she knows someone else who has.

There is so much more advanced information about depression, and it�s created more awareness. Hang in there, and go create your team�start with your doctor, counselor, and perhaps another mom in your neighborhood.

I am so sorry this is long, just trying to complie what other moms have shared with me on similar issues.

Hang in there!!

Dude I have homeschooled for 12 years, I have a special needs child on top of that. Of course there are days when it's just too much. While there are many drugs out there nowadays to help, it's very difficult to find a doctor that will LISTEN to you long enough to help you get the right one for you!
Exercise and a hobby are outlets that let you be human, because in all things we are to have moderation.

I completely understand not wanting to do this, wanting to hide under a rock or run away. It's NOT an easy job, and it's not necessarily going to 'grow' on a person. but most of us all grow up eventually and realize it's not always about US. If there is something else going on, and it sounds like there is, you must fight to get answers for you asap. I certainly hope that you have.
I advocate for children first on nearly every matter, it's not their fault we are selfish or self serving or whatever our hangups are. They NEED us and you NEED to be healthy enough to face whatever happens in your life's journey.

I feel so sad that there are so many unhappy moms out there. There are no easy answers to any of your problems. Perhaps some "me" time on a regular basis would make parenting a bit easier.

The mom who mentioned that she teaches homeschooling classes and so on for a bit of income and a sense of identity could be onto something. I maintain my sanity by having many of my own interests. I think it's so important not to loose your sense of identity once you become a mom, and that's so easy to do.

You've got to have a sense of purpose to your life, that's independent of being a mom. What did you love doing before you became a mom? Is there any way you can incorporate that into your life at the moment?