My faith is being tested. I have always thought my faith was strong. I am not sure I can believe in a God that gives children to parents who abuse children but does not allow those who I know would be good parents to have children.
My story is as follows: I had a son 9 years ago. For the past 5 years, I have tried unsuccessfully to have another child. I have had 4 miscarriages. The first one was at 17 weeks, then at 8, and then another at 8. I have not been pregnant for 3 years and had come to terms with not having another child. I have even felt really happy the last year or so. Which is something I could not say for several years after my miscarriages. Three weeks ago I found out I was pregnant and contacted my former RE. I was so suprised as I had only been off the pill 2 months and was changing my pill to seasonal so I would have fewer periods a year. There have been several years I actively tried and could not get pregnant. It never entered my mind that I could even get pregnant anymore. Regardless, my doctor put me on all kinds on medicine to try to help this be a successful pregnancy. Everything has been going well. I went in for my ultrasound Friday to find a blighted ovum. I could not and can not believe this would happen again after having to work so hard to get over losing the other 3 children I will never know.
I am also an educator. I teach children with learning disabilites and various other mild disorders. Today I sat in on a meeting with a mother who allowed her 3 year twin sons to live in a home where they were raped, abused, and neglected at the hands of her brother. They have just been returned to her after 3 years of being wards of the state. Her daughter was also raped and had to live in a Home for children while her mother pursued her life of men, drugs, and admitted illegal activities.
What kind of God allows the innocent to be treated in such a way? I am a Sunday School teacher and regular attendee of my church but I am not sure I can ever go back. Where is this gracious, loving, heavenly father I have spent the last 35 years worshiping???
I know. I know. Consider your blessings. I do that! I have been counting them for 5 years since learning how lucky I am to have a child! I know I am blessed to have my life considering how others in the world have to live. But why this and why now?? I can't understand it and I am angry.