Humor is essential to kill the misery. I am posting some jokes safe for kid of any age. I am sure that no body will object.
Have a laugh.
Q. What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
A. No thanks, I'm stuffed!
Q. What's taken before you get it?
A. Your picture.
Q. What did one virus say to another?
A. Stay away, I think I've got penicillin!
Why did the child study in the aeroplane ?
He wanted a higher education !
A joke fit even for Hindu monks living in Himalayas
What runs but never walks ?
Water !
Joke fit for great grandma also.
Do you know the time ?
No, we haven't met yet !
Waiter, this soup tastes funny ?
Then why aren't you laughing !
What time is is when ten elephants are chasing you?
Ten after one!
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside!
What city has no people?
Electricity!
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke.
What did the big candle say to the little candle?
Going out tonight?
ooo jokes!!! ah let me see....thinking ....thinking...
Oh I got one!!! yeah me
what is black and white but red all over?
a news paper
woohoo I got two
what did the little acorn say when he grow up?
Geometry (Gee Im a Tree)
these arent realy jokes but they are funny!
little boy comes home from school and tells his grandma We learned who to make babies!
Grandma a little concerned asked How do you make babies?
the little boy says You change the Y to I and add ES!
little boy asked his mom What is it called when 2 people sleep on top of eachother? mom not wanting to lie but not wanting to say to much says sex little boy goes and comes back later and says Its not sex its bunkbeds and Jimmies mom wants to talk to you!!!
dirty joke
little girl falles into a mud puddle
clean joke
she took a bath!
tanto and roy rogers on a camping trip
Tanto and Roy got to sleep in a tent and later Tanto wakes up Roy...
Tanto: Roy wake up! look up
Roy wakes up and looks up "What am I looking at?"
Tanto: what do you make of it?
Roy said well I can see the starts so there is no clouds so it well be good weather and no rain. The stars are in allinement so we will have good fortune. What does it mean to you?"
Tonto: Some one stole our tent!!!
little girl asked grandma Do you know what you and God have in commen? the grandma, mentaly pulishing her halo said No Dear what do me and God have incommen? little girl says " You are both Old!!!
what is bigger then God,
meaner then the Devil,
The poor have it,
the rich need it,
you cant eat it,
and you cant smell it?
What is it?
hint: just answer one of the questions.
give up?
The answer is................NOTHING!
Those were really cute, Freebubbles, especially the Tonto and Roy Rogers one!
I've got one.
********* Railroad crossing, look out for cars; Can you spell that without any Rs? *********
T~H~A~T
When I teach in high school and the kids start to tell jokes, theyask me if I know any dirty jokes... I always answer YES and they want to hear one. I ALWAYS tell the "WHITE HORSE FELL IN THE MUD" joke and just laugh...
Trish
lol!! it always gets them!!!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
to get away from Col. Sanders
ok halloween-ish jokes
Why didnt the skeloton cross the road?
he didnt have any guts!
knock knock
who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Oh dont cry its not that bad!!!
what song scars skeletons the most?
Who let the Dogs out!!!
what is the skelotons theme song?
the head bones connected to the neck bone
two skeletons walk into a bar....if they had eyes they would have saw it and moved!
zombie: Im going to eat your brain!
Skeleton: Your too late!
Vampire: I'm going to suck your blood!
Man coming out of Dr. office.... Sorry they took it all!
what did the mean ghost say to the other ghost?
Wheres ghost busters when you need them?
ok Im halloweened joked out
What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
Pick it !
What's black and white and red all over? A zebra with a sunburn.
What's green and red and goes round and round? A frog in the blender.
(Well.... we used to really tell these!)
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? It was dead.
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree? Peer pressure!
Buddha was at Yankee Stadium watching a baseball game. The vendor came round... what did Buddha say?
"Make me one with everything," of course!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Amazing Anagrams
Amazing Anagrams
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong
becomes:
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
I would love to take credit for the anagrams but I found them at:
BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!
Kids jokes can be very funny.
Wow, Freebubbles! You were really on a roll! I enjoyed ALL of your kid's jokes!
Trish
freebubbles, your anagrams are very good.
Thank you!! I just happened across the site and thought those where cool. glad you enjoyed them!!
Old jokes
grown up: What do you want to be when you grow up?
little boy: An Adult.
Where was Moses when the lights went out?
in the dark.
What do you get when you cross a elephent and a rhinosoursis?
(Hell if I know) Elephino
why was 6 scared of 7?
because 7 ate 9!
what did the hot pink crayon say to the dark blue crayon?
You're not to bright are you?
Aggie jokes...
Why doesnt the Aggies have real grass on the fields?
because thier cheerleaders ate it all.
How many Aggies does it take to change a lightbulb?
one to stand on the latter and 4 to pickit up and turn it!!
how do you drowned an aggie?
put a scartch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
how do you confuse people on the internet?
tell them aggie joke when they dont have a clue what an aggies is! LOL!!!!!!!!!!
the aggies are Texas A& M Univercity kids or anyone who went to that school!
most of the jokes have been made into blond jokes....
An aide came into President Bush's office and told him that two Brazillian soldiers were killed in the Iraq war.
President Bush hung his head sadly and began to weep. Then he raised his head, sobbed and said, "Tell me. How many exactly is a Brazillian?"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
'Cause Col. Sanders was chasing him
OOPs nevermind I desided this one was not child friendly!! Sorry
I think it's time we brought out the knock knock jokes!
Knock knock....
Abbot time you answered this door!
Who's there?
you
said knock knock!
orange ya glad I didnt say knock knock?
knock knock...
Holly, you and freebubbles seem to be having great time together. Pl. continue knocking!
Everyone may join in.
I need someone to ask, "Alpaca who?"
Alpaca Who?
yes the knock knock jokes would go much faster if others knock and who and thered too!!! (that almost doesnt sound right when you read that out loud...sorry cant think of a better way to say it)
Alpaca da suitcase, youpaca da bags!
With one of my online friends (he's so funny)... i was stressed one day so he took me on a virtual vacation of sorts. It's hard to describe but he strung me along for a while with me thinking it was going to be a real trip, which made it even more fun. Now i do that sometimes when i need a pick me up... i'll decide where i want to go on my "trip" and i'll find online a hotel, a couple restaurants, i'll look a the menus, i'll go site seeing, i'll find shops... it's fun!
That sounds very interesting.
It is. Where would you like to go?
mmmm Today I am tired of this planet and I have always wanted to go to planet X and eat at that lovely place called the Milky way! Maybe we can go shopping at Jupiter and spend the night there on the way back. LOL
Massage jokes
What do you call a person with soar gluts?
a soar a$$
What do you call a person with lots of knots?
a naughty person!
What do you call a 6 foot five man with big muscles?
1 a lot of work!
2 By his name! or
3 anything to keep him from killing you!
Nurse Jokes
what does CNA stand for?
Cleans Nasty A$$
What does CMA stand for?
clearly medicated aide!
cleans messy A$$
What does LPN stand for?
Lets Play Nurse!
Little Poor Nurse!
What does LVN stand for?
(a) Little vacation needed!
What does RN stand for?
Rich Nurse!
Retired Nurse!
What does DON Stand for?
Dumb Opinionated Nurse!
Sorry nurses no offense ment but I am sure you have heard this all before...
um. ooooops. This is supposed to be the kid friendly thread! Can you edit your post or move it over to a different thread?
Holly,
We are all becoming kids here and freebubbles is enjoying herself throughly. Let us enjoy!
I cant find the edit button... sorry I thought I was in the other thread!!! (blushing badly)
I figured that's what happened. Unfortunately the editing/delete times out i think, so you can only do it for so long.
What we can do though, is find a bunch of jokes to post since usually we just read the last part anyway!
"What is black and white and black and white and black and white? "
Ans: "A penguin rolling down a hill."
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
Q. What is the best day to go to the beach?
A. Sunday, of course!
Q. What bow can't be tied?
A. A rainbow!
Q. What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A. Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q. What does a teddy bear put in his house?
A. Fur-niture!
Q.What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A.Spring time.
Q. What happens to cows during an earthquake?
A. They give milk shakes.
Q. Why did the jelly wobble?
A. Because it saw the milk shake!
Q. What do you call a girl who is always in the bookies?
A. Betty!
Q. Where do cows go on holiday?
A. Moo York.
Q. Where did the computer go to dance?
A. To a disc-o.
Q. What do you call a man who rolls in the leaves?
A. Russel
Q. What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A. A Bed
Q. Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
A. He was a chicken.
Q. What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A. The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
Q. Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A. To get a tweetment.
Q. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A. A Clausterphobic.
Q. Why was the guy looking for the food on his friend?
A. Because his friend said its on me.
Q. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A. Never mind, it's over your head!
Q. What do you call a cow eating grass in a paddock?
A. A lawn mooer.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A. Because he had no-body to go with.
My nephew started school....so hope you like the jokes!!! all kid friendly!!!!! I hope....
haloween jokes part II
How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horrorscope
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately
What do zombies like to eat at a cook out?
Halloweenies
What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
Shrinkenstein
What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're too wrapped up in themselves
What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends
Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher
What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?
The cold shoulder
What does a child monster call his parents?
Mummy and Deady
Why did the Cyclops have to close his school?
He only had one pupil
Which monster likes to fly kites in the rain?
Benjamin Franklinstein
What did the mummy say to the detective?
Let's wrap this case up
GHOSTS
What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
Booberries
What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?
A boo boo
What is a baby ghost's favorite game?
Peekaboo
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts
What do ghouls eat for breakfast?
Ghost toasties with evaporated milk
What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A scareplane
What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Lemon & slime
What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet
What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A Boo-ick
What did the mother ghost say to her son?
Don't spook unless you are spooken to
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Sham-boo
Why did the ghost pick his nose?
Because he had boogers
What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boojeans
Where do fasionable ghosts shop for sheets?
At bootiques
What ride do spirits like best at the amusement park?
The roller ghoster
What do you get when you cross a ghost with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn't give a hoot
What fairy tale do ghosts like best?
Sleeping booty
What kind of spirits serve food on a plane?
Airline ghostesses
What kinds of ghosts haunt skyscrapers?
High spirits
Where do ghosts go swimming?
The dead sea
What's the difference between a fisherman and a sick ghost?
One catches his dinner, the other one loses it
What did the TV. news reporter say to the ghost?
Everyone dead! Boos at 11
Why is a haunted handkerchief so scary?
Because it has boogers
What kind of footware do ghosts from Texas wear?
Boots
What do you call a dead chicken that likes to scare people?
A Poultrygeist
Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?
A call over the police radio said." Attention all units. Be on the look out for a small medium at large."
hahahaha. Those are good ones! I like the Halloween theme. I'll see if i can "scare some up" too!
HAHA you are both funny!!!
why did the little boy not dust under the bed?
He wanted to play with big dust bunnyies!!
What did the little girl say to her mom when her mom told her to put on a shirt with sleeves?
I have the right to bare arms, the law says so!!
And that is what you could call a double entendre.
lol
Q. What has four legs but can't walk?
A. A table.
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the Shell station!
Q. What did the ground say to the earthquake?
A. You crack me up!
Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
Q. Why did the elephant eat the candle?
A. He wanted a light snack!
Q. Why is the letter "G" scary?
A. It turns a host into a ghost
Q. What has 4 eyes but no face?
A. Mississippi!
Q. What did the spider do on the computer?
A. Made a website!
Q. What letters are not in the alphabet?
A. The ones in the mail, of course! I didnt get it either!
Q. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 789! Did I tell this one before?
Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. Because it felt crummy.
Q. How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
A. Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses!
Q. What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A. A little horse
Q. What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A. Nacho Cheese
Q. Why did the sheep say "moo"?
A. It was learning a new language!
Q. What streets do ghosts haunt?
A. Dead ends!
Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!
Q. What exam do young witches have to pass?
A. A spell-ing test!
Q. Why did the boy eat his homework?
A. Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
Q. Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A. Because you dribble on the floor!
Q. What washes up on very small beaches?
A. Microwaves.
Q. What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it?
A. A hole!
Q. What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move?
A. The road!
Q. How do you make a bandstand?
A. Take away their chairs!
Q. Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A. The scientists were brainstorming!
Q. Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A. Because he couldn't find a date!
Q. What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A. Hi Cliff!
Q. What did Pooh say to his agent?
A. Show me the honey!
Q. Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A. Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q. Why did the traffic light turn red?
A. You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q. What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A. I think I'm coming down with something!
Q. What do lawyers wear to court?
A. Lawsuits!
Q. What breaks when you say it?
A. Silence!
Q. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A. Because then it would be a foot!
Q. What has four wheels and flies?
A. A garbage truck!
Q. What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A. Post Office!
Q. What did the blanket say to the bed?
A. Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Q. Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A. To draw the curtains!
Q. How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A. One! After that its not empty!
Q. What kind of button won't unbutton?
A. A bellybutton!
