BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do pals only contact you to brag about their kids?

Hello all,

It's been awhile since I've posted here, and have missed you all! I just need to vent. Who out there have friends who only talk to them when they want to brag about or show off their kids? Frankly, I am tired of this. I have two friends who had their first child last year. The only time I have heard from either of them is when they send an email with lots of "kid" pictures, or I receive "kid" pictures in my post office box. Now, these are/were (?confused at this point) really good friends, so if they can't call, I would at least expect a short email now and again to let me know how they are doing. I knew at first I probably wouldn't hear from them too much because they would be tired and trying to adjust to life with a baby. But, after 8 months?! I have honestly tried to stay in contact. I have called to leave voice messages and sent emails only to get nothing in return except some pictures of the kid. Honestly, I am about fed up! Who else has this happened to and what did you do? How did you handle it? Did you write them off your friend list? Or keep trying? At this point, I don't know that I'd want to be in touch or not. I sort of gave up already but am not sure that is the right thing to do since these truely were some close friends (or at least I thought they were!)

From my experience, I backed off the friendship for a while. With some friends it came naturally - my former best friend had small kids and I had a new marriage at about the same time, so it made sense that we were each focussed on our own stuff. My current "best friend" just became a new mom (at 40+) and I am having HUGE issues. It doesn't help that she lives in UK, but we used to email/call all the time. Since the preg/baby, I never hear from her at all, except a few times to just report on what the baby is doing now, not anything else.

With my other friends (older kids), I get SO weary of hearing how EVERYONE's kids are "gifted", excel at whatever sports they try, are artistically/musically talented, etc. Doesn't anyone have "average" kids anymore?

I guess you have to decide how much the friendship means to you. If it's important enough, I think you can weather through the kid stuff until your "old" friend resurfaces.

I had one college friend who I worked with for 3 years. For a couple ski seasons we were skiing together every weekend. We are both well conditioned athletes and enjoyed pushing each other within sensible limits. Then he and his wife had their first kid and he changed jobs. I tried to stay in touch for a few years after that but when I realized it was one sided and there was no effort on his part, I moved on and made new ski friends. Last I heard he had moved to the Denver area seven years ago. Although I visit this area several times a year, I never contact him. Despite mutual athletic interests, I suspect if we did meet up again it may not be all that fun for either one of us. He and his wife are kid crazy and my girlfriend and I are adamantly child free.

Mike

I haven't had to deal with the whole friends-having-kids aspect of the child-free life yet, seeing how I'm only 18...however, that doesn't mean they don't talk about kids and having their own and blah-blah-blah. My best friend called yesterday to tell me her older sister was pregnant. The first thing I asked was, "Is she married?" Now I don't know if that's rude or not, but I'm not going to ask all sorts of questions about the "baby" when first of all I don't care and second I don't want to send the wrong message. My other friend loves kids and was even going to become a special education teacher. She wants three while my best friend wants two. I can honestly see this becoming a problem in the future. I find kids repulsive no matter who they are, so what would be the fun in sticking with my friends when they start having kids? The friendship won't even be there anymore. So I know for me personally I'll be finding new friends through JustKidding or something. I think that'll be much more practical than trying to fake a friendship.

I'd try a "That's great, but how are YOU?" reply. If I got no response or more kid blather, I'd distance myself.

I get this [censored] from both family and friends. Also, they assume since I don't have any kids, that I'll be thrilled to be the "auntie." Nothing could be further from the truth. As many times as I've told them that I'm just not interested, they continue to harass me about it. They all know I don't want kids, so they expect me to get my "nurturing fix" through their kids. It drives me insane!

I'm seeing some distance from one of my friends who recently had a baby...for me, I've just kind of accepted that I'm not going to see a lot of her right now. I see her maybe once a month for a couple hours (always with the baby and usually the husband too). So I take her for where she's at and what she can offer the friendship. In the meantime, I'm looking into finding some other friends with interests outside of children.

But, as to your specific situation...if I was only getting stuff about the kids, no returned phone calls, emails, etc...I'd say the heck with it! And go find some other friends.

My OB-GYN is childfree and we were talking about losing friends over kids. She said that she and her husband just expect people to be incommunicado for a period of time when they have kids. So they have some younger friends who don't have kids yet, and some older friends who have already raised their kids, and they just kind of cycle through them depending on where everyone is at.

A slight digression...my OB-GYN is so awesome! She was very supportive of my decision not to have kids. She said she's known that she didn't want any since she was 13. Her goals in life were to "have a good career, own a great sportscar, and have someone to share it with"...and she seems to have done exactly that (though I'm not sure what kind of car she is driving). The funny thing is that I didn't know she was CF when I picked her...at the time I thought I was going to have kids and just liked her bedside manner. Turns out that she is happy to deliver other people's kids...then hand them off to the parents.

CF_GAL,

I find that as soon as a "friend" has a child, they drop off the face of the earth...no matter how much I try to maintain contact...even in the most minimal way. If I do hear from them, it is pics of the kid(s) or updates about the kids...as if they have been subsumed by the child's persona. The adult ceases to exist basically. It is very frustrating. That is why I'm on here. Trying to make connections with people who have something in common and can hold an adult conversation.

Every Christmas, we get what we call the "happy happy joy joy" letters from people detailing the adventures of their kids for the year. This is usually the only time we hear from them....and no pictures of the parents sent...just the kids. We have had people in these letters compare themselves literally to Joseph and Mary...since having kids they "understand what it must have been like to give birth to Jesus." I mean, it is really nauseating. The children are all "perfect and brilliant" and their lives are filled with "unending joy" with these little "gifts from God", they say. It's like they are propaganda ministers for a population explosion movement. I'm sorry, but I'm not buying it. How do you even talk to people who operate in such a realm of delusion?

Sorry to vent. This is a sore spot for me. I have another friend who just got pregnant....was literally bribed with money and a car by her family to do so. Now, just being pregnant, she can't seem to even answer an email. I guess it will be nothing when the kid comes. Sheesh!

I dont mind talk about kids accomplishments as long as thats not the only thing the parents talk about. I think it makes sense for parents to talk about their kids since they are central parts of their lives. Just like I talk about my pets and people who work a lot talk about their jobs. The problem is when anyone can talk about only one subject whether its kids, work, politics, pets,etc its boring.

Oh, my gosh, I know. My husband's parents are godparents to his second cousin's son. They fawn over their godson and his sister. There are more pictures of them on the walls than of my husband and his siblings.

Every Thanksgiving we have a "day after Thanksgiving" party which is solely to have the kids open their presents (they live a few states away and spend Christmas with the other side of the family.) So we have to spend an entire evening that is just for them.

The kids are cute kids, don't get me wrong. I told my husband that if we EVER have kids by any chance, we are NEVER doing anything like that.

When Christmas rolls around we get a cutesy dress-up picture of the two kids along with the annual "From the Mouths of Babes" letter. Instead of telling us what they've done all year, the parents write down all the "cute" stuff the kids say and then add their own comments. Like, "Mom, that chai tea is making you fat!" (Guess I drink too much of that, huh?)

Not much about kids actually makes me angry, but these letters seriously make me want to puke.

So, I am SO sorry for you, PMO!