BellaOnline Forums Family Siblings Adult Sibling Interaction

I liked your article about adult siblings and family interaction:
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art15373.asp

I'm an adult and have a brother and sister. We share the same parents and are spread over 4 years in age so were raised in the same time period, but as adults we sure are different.

Looking back we all did differently in school and that influenced our choice of careers. If we again lived in the same house we would not have much to talk about except childhood, because we each developed into very different adults with dissimilar hobbies and lifestyles.

So, I can understand how one could feel left out.

I've come to accept them and love them as they are and not let it affect my self-esteem. Hey, we don't know the lessons another person is needing and learning, so I think that their paths are as valid as mine.

Anyone else have siblings very different from themselves?

I'm glad you have learned to accept them and move on. My situation is different because we never were close and my brother treats me with little to no respect and my parents not only allow it but when he's around take on the same attitude. The talk down to me and make me feel stupid. It takes me weeks once I'm home to get over it.

Funny thing is I'm the only one with a university degree and I still read a lot on non fiction to increase my understanding of certain subjects.

I'm not saying my family is stupid, just content with their lives and what they know. I could very well be the problem as I cannot converse on their level or share their outlook on the world.

You do know that you have it within your power to stop this behavior...simply say,"I am not allowing you to say these things to me" and leave...
No other explanation is necessary.

It will stop--at least while you are in the room and trust me they are just as nasty about whomever it is that is not there when it is not you...these are sad sad people..but you know that now don't you?

It's more complicated than what I have written. I don't really need to get into all of it here. It's best just for me to say that I know that I'm loved and that's enough. I have discussed it and done what you've said to uncomprehending ears.

My parents love me and I know somewhere deep down that lug of a brother of mine does too. I love them all very much and to rock the boat again is not worth all the aggrevation, so I accept it for what it is.

My siblings (two sisters) are 10 and 11 years older than I. We have absolutely nothing in common. They take every opportunity to attempt to belittle my triumphs and successes. I've come to the conclusion, though, that really they're a bit envious.

They were in their teen years when mom and dad were going through a rather horrific divorce. They were 11 and 12 when the mess started and 17 (and married) and 18 (and cohabitating) before the disaster was over. I spent the majority of my growing-up life in peace and harmony with mom, my grandmother and then my step-father.

Neither sib went to college--they expected someone to pay for it for them. Mom couldn't and dad wouldn't. I, on the other hand, knew better than to expect a handout and paid my own way through. Needless to say I get hassled about the degrees.

Both married the first man to come along and ask, essentially looking for another handout. Sister A is stuck with a free-loader and Sister B is now on marriage 3, relationship I don't know how many. I waited until I was established and could make it on my own before ever considering marriage. We'll have been married 10 years come April and have 2 beautiful children. They find something to nitpick about here--my husband's political preferences or whatever--every chance they get.

The list just goes on and on and on. Needless to say, I see my mom and step-father a lot (Gran is gone now); but my sibs rarely.

My mom helped me figure out long ago that there's nothing I can do to make them think any differently or see me any differently. They have to come to another way of thinking on their own or not at all. It's simply not worth the effort any more. My mom's a great supporter, thankfully.

I go with the "Lord, grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change" theory here.

Of course, ever the optimist, lightning may strike someday or h*e*l*l may freeze over. Miracles DO happen....

Amen for miracles.

I've got it good compared to you, a brother doesn't nit pick & isn't catty. As well we didn't have the other stuff your family had.

My husband's situation is a lot like yours except his brothers & sisters have a different mother. His mom is the one that took their dad away in their minds, so he got the sins of the father and such. We don't see his sibs or have much to do with, so my kids don't know the have more than one uncle and a couple of aunts. If they were closer we'd probably visit every once in a while but two live on Vancouver Island and we don't know where the other two are in Vancouver. (12-14 hours away from Calgary)

Speaking of aunts this is cute: When we were at the family cabin with my brother we got to meet his girlfriend Beverly, this one is serious. Anyway we were driving and I told my husband he better hurry up and get married and have a kid I want to be an aunty already.

From the back seat my daughter piped up and said, "you want to be an ant? and laughed and laughed."

I just met my brother 4 years ago, he was put up for adoption when I was born. We met in the prison he is at when mom & I went there and stayed with his adoptive parents. I am amazed at how well we get along, we have nothing in common other than the fact we are happy to meet and accepting of each others differences.

I always wanted a big brother growing up, he wanted a little sister. He was raised with a big sister, one who took him to show and tell and introduced him as her brother the bastard.

He wanted the mom I had, I wished I had been the one given away!

This sibling thing is very new to me, but has always fascinated me. I am glad we get along and have respect for our differences. I think I am very lucky.

Any ideas on how to bridge the gap and create closer adult sibling relationships? Maybe even forge a new friendship? <img src="/images/graemlins/easter.gif" alt="" /> or <img src="/images/graemlins/wall.gif" alt="" />

Has anyone ever tried writing a quick email or note to their sibling telling them something they are proud of about them? Something they like about them?

Not a letter about how you feel, but just a short positive note saying something nice about the other person?

My sister and I are for the most part pretty close. NOw that she's living with me until she leaves for the air force it's been a little more difficult to get along. See, my sister is a hibitual liar and thief. I love her; but we (my whole family) learned very early on (she was about five years old when it all started) that we had to keep our things hidden or locked up. Also that you can't believe everything she says.... My brother who is only 13 and I get along great.

For a Christmas gift my mother is taking all of us to Florida for a family vacation. I'm dreading part of it as I always seem to get into a fight with my brother.

I need to get over it, leave the baggage at the door. Any ideas on how to do this?

One.
Practise Right Speech.
Two.
Practise compassion and acceptance.
Three.
Tell him as you're all on holday at the time of year when Love and harmony should be uppermost in everyones' hearts, that you refuse to be drawn, smile, and change the subject.

Have I got a story for you! It's really long and somewhat confusing (you might need a pen and paper) I deeply apologize, it won't make sense unless I provide some background information:

I was adopted when I was about 2-3 years old by my maternal grandfather and his new and 2nd wife, my �mother�. My biological parents were both heroin addicts. My father was in and out of jail during most of my infancy and my mother struggled to take care of me, however the drugs and my father got the best of her and hence the adoption. I do not remember my biological parents at all which didn�t matter for my first memories are of being raised in an extremely loving home where I was well cared for and very happy. I had an extremely large extended family for I had all these sisters and brothers whom I later found out to be really my aunts and uncles, except for two.

Ok, here�s the really confusing part: The people who raised me I�ve always known and will always refer to as mommy and daddy. However, daddy was really my maternal grandfather who happened to have five children from his first marriage which ended in divorce (one of them my biological mother). Mommy was a widow who had two children, a boy and a girl, before she met daddy. So, mommy and daddy meet, fall in love, get married and now these two families unite with all these children who are mostly in their twenties - similar to the Brady Bunch, just a bit more dramatic and without Alice.

Ok, with me so far? If you are, then great, if not then no hard feelings, I have trouble with all of this myself. Anyway, there�s a lot to this story and to save you time and a brain aneurysm, I�ll try to cut it way short, no promises. My daddy�s kids had major problems and were eventually eliminated from my world when daddy passed away from a massive heart attack (I was 12), but my mother�s kids were now my new and only siblings. So, I consider them my true brother and sister who were there with me from the very beginning. At about the emotionally developmental and mature age of 11, I found out from my grandmother who was really my great grandmother on my father�s side, meaning daddy, that my biological mother was not only known to her, but was also dead.

I never knew her, yet I knew of her for she was the one mysterious �sister� that I so conveniently never met growing up. Ok, I�m 11, what the heck do I know? I take it rather well and continue on being a happy go lucky child living in an artificial world of happiness and ignorance�until one day when I was about 19, the secret of my existence was bestowed upon me in a most gracious and loving manner from my aunt and biological grandmother (my mother�s mother) when I was at work that not only was my biological mother dead, but that she died of AIDS, which she contracted by shooting heroin intravenously and that I also had a brother 4 years younger (which I never knew about) who died when I was 14 also from AIDS that he had contracted from at birth from our mother. This brother who was kept a secret from me was also adopted but not by anyone in the family, no instead, it was to a family in Illinois (thousands of miles away). Nice, right? I come from the same gene pool as these people � frightening to say the least. My parents didn�t adopt him because at the time, they didn�t know my mother or my brother had AIDS and so they were afraid that there would be more children on the way, knowing my mother. Not sure how to feel about this one, sometimes anger and resentment, other times forgiveness and understanding.

In my typing haste, I also forgot to share that my parents owned a bar and that�s where I was raised. In fact, I used to sleep under the pool table, for back in those days that was considered normal and not out of the ordinary. So I had the luxury of watching my family and a bunch of drunk people have a grand ole time while I excitedly sat at the bar drinking Shirley Temples daydreaming of when it would be my turn to partake in the festivities (uh, that never happened for my mom sold the bar when I was 16). Oh well, guess it just wasn�t meant to be.

So, after writing all this for what seems like an eternity, I�m finally realizing that this background information might not be so important and that I�m just babbling on for nothing. I don�t know � maybe I am, maybe I�m not, or maybe I just had this strange and uncontrollable urge to get it all out. It does feel good to see first hand in print the story of my life. It�s really cathartic, I must say. And even if you�ve stopped reading a long time ago, that�s ok, but if you�re still with me � thank you.

Ok, back to the whole reason why I�m writing this post on Adult Sibling Interaction. So now my family from 7th grade to now is: mommy, and my two siblings. Now remember, my mommy is really my step-grandmother and my sister and brother are her two kids and there is a 20-something age difference between my siblings and a 40+ age difference between my mom and I. Oh yeah, and don�t forget that I have no connection or relationship with any of my �blood� relatives � my mom did a great job in sheltering me and protecting me from these horrible and evil people who were no good for me.

Well, inevitably I grew up and am now 32. My mom passed away last August from pancreatic cancer at 72 � a very young, vibrant, active and outstanding 72 year old. It all happened so fast and it was extremely traumatic both emotionally and physically, but I digress. I think it�s safe to say that I have a slightly unique and extraordinary familial background and with all of this said, it�s not hard to believe that some problems might have arisen at one point or another. For example, my sister and brother are both alcoholics, but of course, two very different types of alcoholics. My sister was a bartender and her drinking gradually got worse over time until it was totally out of control right before mommy passed. My brother on the other hand, just got smashed every night and when I say every night, I mean every night (all 7 days).

I�m almost done, I promise. Due to the high level of stress, frustration, anger, sadness, confusion, depression and grief during this time, oh, and the massive amounts of alcohol consumed by both my sister and brother, things got pretty ugly between them. Me being the youngest and always feeling like the one who doesn�t belong, can�t relate and doesn�t get any of this, has this overpowering, annoying and idiotic notion that I need to become miss problem solver of the universe and be able to put my sister and brother back together again.

Silly me, but I assumed that when mommy passed that we would all grow closer and bond and be a halfway decent and semi-functioning �normal� family. WRONG. What was I thinking? I should have known that growing even further apart would be the next logical step to take for a grieving family who just lost their mother. Duh! What am I crazy? Why would I ever think that of all times for a family to pull together, especially when there are only three members left it would be now?

So this is my dilemma: my brother and sister just left from a visit. They spent two weeks with me and my husband and we spent part of our trip in Las Vegas which was really great, except for the part where I opened my big mouth the first night we got there in hopes of discussing our current family situation (this was the first time seeing them since mommy�s passing). The problem with my brother is that he is a 52 year old bachelor who has been living alone for like 20 years. My sister is divorced and is dating this really nice guy, but unfortunately he has an IQ of 12, has OCD, is autistic and is driving us all nuts. My sister was married twice before (long stories, imagine that) and in all her wisdom has chosen this person as her new and everlasting love (Good news: she states she will never ever marry again � thank God for small miracles). We have all tried discussing this troubling matter but to no avail (including my mother before she passed who was by far his least greatest fan). Well, since my mom is gone, and I�m 3,000 miles away from both my brother and sister (they live in the same state and only about � hour from each other), it was natural for my sister to assume they would be spending the proceeding holidays together. Think again. My brother actually told her that he will never ever spend another holiday with her again and that she is not welcome at his home because he prefers his solitude and would rather be alone. He refuses to meet her for lunch, dinner, coffee, cake, bread crumb, nothing. He only leaves his house to go to work, and to pick up his dinner which he brings home to eat alone, every night.

Yet, he came with them to visit us here � should I have given him a gold medal or some kind of award? I love my brother and sister to death, please don�t misunderstand me, I�m just so frustrated with them and their�.I can�t even think of a suitable adjective to describe their behavior, except for maybe demented?

I was so disappointed and I just feel so empty and defeated. Am I asking too much, am I being unreasonable? I feel so lost and confused and like I�m the crazy one. One word sums it all up for the way I feel: alone.

Is there any hope for us � will we ever be a family? I don�t want the Brady Bunch or the Leave it to Beavers, I�m sorry, I don�t know how to explain what I want or am looking for. I hope I didn�t waste any of your time reading this � I couldn�t keep it bottled up anymore.

I know what you are all thinking, geez, hope this woman has had some kind of counseling or intense therapy. Well, I hate to admit it, but I�ve never talked to anyone about any of this, except my husband of course and a few close friends, but they can�t relate and don�t know how to help, but that�s ok. I know what I need to do, I�m just scared and feel like it�s hopeless, so why bother. My immense fear and anxiety issues always seem to get in the way of seeking professional help. I am determined to address and overcome these hang-ups of mine and hopefully with your support gain the confidence I need to accomplish this feat. Thank you for your time and patience and for just reading. I know there are millions of people whose problems are a lot worse than mine. I am one of the lucky ones for I was fortunate enough to have grandparents who loved me enough to raise me, that I was spared contracting AIDS and that I at least have my brother and sister and a wonderful husband who love me dearly, but sometimes that�s not enough.

Wish I could help, but if you read my above novella you'll understand why!