BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Me or his daughter..someone has to go!

Am I crazzyy?? I have been married for 9 years and we have had custody of his children for 8. they are now 11 and 14. We also have a 7 year old son. I love both of them dearly but have always had issues with the older child (daughter of course)�now it seems to be getting worse. Am I wrong for wanting her to live with her mother? Years ago it just wasn�t a good situation but now she is more on her feet. I�m just totally worn out to the point where it is affecting my blood pressure and my demeanor in my marriage. I literally get sick to my stomach when I pick her up from school, just see her walking around the house always looking lazy and tired, having a sense of entitlement etc. I think the years of frustration have just caught up with me and now it seems any little thing with her sets me off. Of course these are already difficult times for her and I don�t feel l can give her what she needs. I know there is more stability here and we focus on positive things like excellence in school, etc. But everything is a struggle although she is extremely gifted academically. I know I'm just sucked dry and feel like her mother should take some responsibility in raising her daughter�I�ve given 9 years!! Am I wrong?? Ive always wanted us to have a great relationship but I think shes always felt that was betrayal to her mom. But I'm tired of reminding simple things like deodorant, skin medication (exczema) , clean up after yourself, homework. Plus she�s making poor judgement decisions at school. I�m just all worn out!!! I know her dad would die at the thought of sending her to her mom�s (about 600 miles away), but he travels and all these years I have been the parent�while the bio parents have pursued their careers�done their own thing, etc�. I'm just tired! I love my husband but I feel like I�m asking him to choose. I just don't know if I can continue to stay as much as I love him and our family!! I literally feel the stress is aging me.

I have a question to ask you. This could come across as snarky, but I don't mean it that way. Perhaps if you can answer my question you will be able to answer your own. What will you do if, in 7 years, your son behaves in the same way?

Have you had a talk with your husband about this? My husband and I tried interest based bargaining, instead of taking positions and it really has changed our perspectives. It is a practice more known in union/management negotiations than in relationships, but there are a lot of good resources out there about it. The concept is simple sort of, instead of saying, "She should move in with her mother." Which is a position, say instead, "I'm worn out and frustrated in my dealings with her, and I want to work on our (our being the family or you and her) relationship. I need your help. I don't want to feel bad every time I interact with her. I would like to have a few successes. Can you help?" Your interest is having a successful interaction, it may be the solution is for her to move in with her mother, but there may be another solution too, by expressing your interest there are more ways to go, than either or....

Am I making sense?

I am sorry you are feeling so frustrated with your situation. You definitely need to have an open dialogue with your husband. Is he enabling her behavior? Are you feeling unnecessary resentment? Do you all need to see a family counselor? Sending her to live with her mother will send a message to her that she is unloved and unwanted, which at her age could be extremely damaging. What kind of relationship have you had up to this point? Could she be entering puberty and need a supportive and loving guide? You seem to be very angry with her; if this has built up over time, please talk to someone! Good luck!

Wow what wonderful feedback..thank you all�great to have others to bounce this off of who seem to understand.

So�a little more history I guess could help. Our relationship has been up and down I guess. She was 6 when she came to live with us but again I know she heard bad things when spending summers with her mom./gmom. The bad mouthing from them tapered down when she was probably 10 but damage done. I honestly think they felt the kids moving with us would push me away but I totally welcomed with open arms bc I did feel we could provide them with a more stable situation.

My husband has been more supportive within the last year than the entire 9. Unfortunately we had our own �issues� which did cause a lot of resentment. i.e. him �acting out� because I �changed� but as I remind him�things changed bc of the situation he put me in. It was very difficult for me�and hard for me to become this instant mom and still be what he needed in a wife. He didn�t seem to realize then that just bc youre a woman this mother thing is not automatic. But he has taken a lot more notice lately and does see firsthand what I deal with often times when he is not here. So that has frustratedhim and he talks to her and take things from her�but usually after a couple of days things go back to usual. It is also hard because there is also a �funkyness� attitude around the house which is just so blatantly ungrateful�and maybe that�s a teen thing but I have a big problem with that too.

So yes to answer one person�s question�I am angry�I admit that. And I know it is because of years of frustration�years of me giving up my career to focus on our kids and so when my only daughter doesn�t reflect what I feel I sacrificed for it does make me angry. And I know people go through this with their own bio kids. But things like comments I hear that I agree with from others (including her mom/other relatives/total strangers) �.like...�what is she eating�or has she been to a dermatologist or�her hair is breaking off bc of this�her hygiene is horrible for a young lady. I feel these are all reflections of ME because I�m the mom in the house. We often have to go places as a family due to my husband job and she embarrasses me!! I know when I see children looking a certain way or acting out�even though I know sometimes the parents may be trying�I honestly judge the parents whether its right or not.. So now I do feel it affecting my health�literally.

When she spends time with her mother part of the summer, things are much more relaxed so that assists their relationship. Her mom doesn�t have to make her get in bed or eliminate TV to do homework�.and books are out the window! I guess part of me wants her to see that there has to be structure for her to do well in school and part of me wants her mom to realize that its not easy being the taxi cab, cooking every day, helping with homework, etc!!

Someone asked what if my son does this in 7 years�and if I can be honest�yes of course I would work through it because I planned to bring him into this world and it is my job to see that through. With my daughter this didn�t just start with puberty..it has been challenging from day one�and so I guess I feel the people who laid down and decided to bring her into this world have to do more and not just put this all on me.

No you are not crazy. I have been going through almost the same dilema and believe me; by sharing my info with the church priest, my mother, my sisters even my own daughters no one, I mean no one really understands what it is to go through such a situation. I sometimes feel I can't even think about getting home, I have been putting extra office hours just not to have to deal with two step kids.. a 17 year old girl and a 19 year old boy.... who were abandoned by their drug addict mother decided to stay with us two years ago... and that is where life as I knew it ended. It ended for me, for my daughters and even for the kids father. So let it out... be angry.. cry and scream and write. Hold on to life and to anything and everthing you hold dear...
I don't if it helps.. but...

The thing you must figure out is if this would end your marriage or not. If it will, you're going to have to find a different way to deal with it unless you want it to end.

I had a situation a lot like yours with my ex husband and I did send his daughter back to her mother and we got a divorce. That child is now 17 years old and I believe I made a HUGE mistake sending her back to her mother FOR the child and my marriage, but for ME and the other kids it was the right thing to do. So think about what you're doing and what you have agreed to do the past few years.

Perhaps seek some counseling for the entire family, and if your husband cannot participate you and your step daughter could. Daughters are hard, trust me, with the inlaws and outlaws I have four daughters... and not one of them is "easy" lol.

One thing I learned due to my oldest daughter is that at some point i had to back off and let her suffer some natural consequences. Natural consequences of not wearing deodorant is to stink, and teenagers will tell you. Natural consequences of not using medication is your skin looks like [censored]. Natural consequences of not doing your laundry is you have no clean clothing, etc.. etc.. Maybe if you let go a bit, she'd catch on?

My daughter had to learn things the hard way, she still does and she'll be 22 on the 28th of October. But she has a job, pays her bills, and lives a responsible life now.

Bluntly put, my vote is to send her back. You did a great job with her but keeping her and building resentment in all parties will negate that.
Save what you have left.

It's a hard place to be when what you want more than anything is to be recognized for your hard work and sacrifice. Unfortunately, motherhood, whether planned or not, whether biological or not, does not include appreciation on demand.

If you are doing things so that you can have people recognize your worth as "the mom" you need to stop doing them. Only do what you can from the heart -- where it doesn't matter if anyone recognizes your efforts or not, because the satisfaction is from the doing.

Let go of this idea that her behavior and appearance reflect poorly on you and let her just be...the more you let go of trying to be completely responsible for her and put that responsibility back on her, the easier it will be for you.

Please understand, nothing you've described here -- her unwillingness to take responsibility, her appearance or rebellion, her lack of gratefulness -- is any different than what you might experience with a biological child, which means your desire for appreciation and your anger stem from resentment. I do understand, but it's definitely not a healthy place for any of you. Seek counseling, both for yourself so that you can find some healthier ways to cope and as a family so that you can see if there is a way to improve the situation for all of you.

You'll be in my thoughts...

I couldn't agree with you more Sandra. Parenting is done selflessly. No thanks or admiration expected. It is hard though.

I'll give you an example.

My step daughter just got braces. Why? She needed them, but her father and mother cannot afford it. Her mom won't get a job, and her dad is already paying child support, and for everything else.

Paperwork makes him 100 percent responsible for health care too.

But, they never got braces for her, they couldn't afford it. I finally decided to get them when I got my oldest daughter's braces off. I got them, and I pay for them.

Of course my husband thanks me for it, but I don't get thanks from my step daughter (and certainly not her mom as she has no idea I am the one paying for it), in fact it's almost like she Expects it. And why wouldn't she? Parents are supposed to do things for their children, birth, adopted, steps. We are expected to provide.

When our children are parents, that is when they'll be thankful because only then will they truly understand.