I have an ex whose wife has been the victim of his abuse. They have been married for two years and have a 6 month old baby girl. They get into fights over the littlest things in which the husband pushes her against the wall, drags her by her hair, throws things at her, takes all of her money, and keeps her from work. They both fight in front of the baby. His wife has been calling me for advice. She is totally dependent on him for money and taking care of the baby. She has no friends and her family refuse to help her. She has no money to get away and her husband keeps her from going to work. Her husband has also been cheating on her. Recently, she says he has gotten worse to the point where she's scared. She wants to leave but doesn't know how. She doesn't want to go to a shelter because she had a friend who went to the local one and said it was really strict about her spending, her whereabouts, and everything else. She doesn't want to call the cops because he is illegal and if he gets arrested, he may be deported and not see his baby for five years. Its an everyday thing, the abuse and fighting, and it just gets worse everytime it happens. He won't let her work because he doesn't want her to have money to leave. She can't stay with me as I am the only allowed tenant in the place. Anyway, I am emailing to ask what can she do? She's afraid to call the police, has no family or friends to support her, and is afraid to go to a shelter. So what else is left? Her and I have become very close since she revealed to me about the abuse and I want to help her I just don't know how. My mother was in a similar situation for 11yrs and it took her that long to finally leave. Please if you have any advice or need any more information on the situation, reply back. Thank you.

This is a very sad situation. You are doing the best thing you can by being there and listening; and being a point of contact. I know that she is scared; but she must take that first step and contact someone. If she doesn't know who or is afraid of the authorities; go to the hospital and ask for a social worker. Inform the medical staff of her situation, and they will help her get in contact with the right people. If she's afraid to do this; she can use the excuse that the baby needs to see the doctor. After all, she is only six-months. She must be more determined to save her and her childs life, than whether or not his parental rights are going to be terminated for five years. If she stays, SHE may not have five years.
Do some research for her on safe houses in your area or better yet, in the next town over. Also, if at any point you see that the child is grave danger, then I hope that you would step up to the plate, and contact the authorities. But first, stress to this young woman that not only is she in danger, but her daughter as well. If she can't do it for herself; then at least do it for her baby.

Afterthought:

From the post, you said that he was your ex. If you don't mind me asking, did he abuse you, as well? And why would she come to you for advice and help?

No he did not abuse me. He slapped me once and I made it perfectly clear that if he did it again, that I WOULD call the cops. We still fought alot but he never struck me again.

She has been contacting me for the same reason. To see if he was that way when he was with me. At first, it was just to ask me about our past relationship but now we have become friends and actually pretty close. Her husband gets really mad when he sees her talking on the phone with me so she tries to contact me when he's gone. He doesn't want us to talk at all.

As for what happens in her home, she calls me everytime something happens and if I had the money I would give her some. I told her that if she calls and it escalates to something else or I feel she or the baby is in grave danger, that I would for certain call the police whether she did or not.

You can give her the number to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It would be an anonymous call and she talk about other options she may have.

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Boy-this topic sure hit home with me-I have cigarette burn marks all over my body from a husband that abused me-I had 3 children and was in the same situation, but finally got out of it.I will never let a man CONTROL my every move again.I,too, never told anyone,for fear he would hurt me more.

What state is she in? I have resources listed on the website for each state. If worse come to worse she can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they will find shelter for her.

If you really care and there is any chance that she or her child need protective help pls do what ever you can. It will never get better. Abusers only get worse. They look for the ones they can control and put down. They usually have had a pattern that goes way back. Like the one woman wrote he only hit her once. When I had mine arrested he Never hit me again. Tell her no matter what walls seem to come up all around her there is help and Don't give up. Her Child Needs her especially now. Good Luck

And the sooner they know that you mean business things will start to change. I don't mean it will solve the real problem but it give you time to plan to live. Don't give up!!!Don't let the system think your only resource is Hubbard House. You Have to learn that the best Offense is a Defense. And Visa Verca. I realize thats its easier sometimes said than done but, Lifes Short don't waste one more day of it.

Excellent points Raven.

Unfortunatley, the familys of victims of domestic violence often do turn their backs on their loved ones. There are several reasons for this, 1. they don't want to get involved. 2. if they ignore it it will go away. 3. Shame. 4. they have tried to help her escape before and she has returned to abuser. This puts the victim in a difficult position. I know she may be afraid to turn to the local shelter but they are her best advocate right now. She must call the police to make records of the abusive incidents! The local DV shelter can help her do all of that while in their protective care. Yes the shelters, hold your money in a safe...because theft is common! Not because they want to know what you are sending your money on. Yes they also hold your medications in lock up...so children dont get ahold of them and accidently ingest them. There are shelter rules, which is different from what one is used to in their own home but they are put in place for everyones safety!Not so they can be nosy!! They ask for you to sign in and out and express an expected time of return, but incase you dont return they know where to look for you and if you have been abducted off the street by your abuser they can call the police to get the help that is needed.The rules of shelters are put in place for the safety of the client. Not to further control you like your abuser. Perhaps if your friend understood why the rules were in place at the shelter she would not be afraid to go there, she would understand that indeed they are there to help her. The fact that he is an illegal...should not stop her from getting the help that she needs! Nobody deserves to be beaten! It's wonderful that she has you to help her through this very difficult and painful process. Please encourage her to get the help she needs.

My father abused me and my mother when I was a child and I just have to say that in my opinion, I'd rather go to jail for shooting the man in the face than put up with the treatment I went through as a child. NOTHING is worth you and your childs safety, and this woman should know that. Who cares if the shelter monitors everything she does? Her husband does that anyway. At least the shelter lets her have SOME freedom. Enough freedom that she can learn to live and take care of herself. And good, he SHOULD be deported back to his own country - if he's living here illigally and treating people like garbage, he shouldn't be in this country anyway! I agree with everyone else about being there for her - all you can do is offer her advice and be her friend, and that's extremely important when it comes to this sort of thing. All I stated was my opinion, but I've got to tell you, if it was one of MY friends, I'd make sure that she NEVER had to go through what I went through.

To Needadvice: I feel a little akward writing in this topic because I have never been abused in any way by my father, mother, husband or anyone else. But I would like to tell a story for you to relay to your friend. My cousin was physically and sexually abused by her stepfather and when it came time to marry she chose a man who abused her verbally and physically. He was always telling her how stoopid she was even though she was the one with the college degree. When she was pregnant with her son, he pulled her by the hair up the basement steps because he wanted his dinner NOW. Once the children were born (a boy and a girl) he proceeded to terrorize them. I remember one time in particular when the father was 'wrestling' with the son, then about 10. He locked the kid up so tight it hurt him, but then he was accused of being a 'pussy'. Whenever the boy tried to release himself, dad just tightened up more. And the B-----d held his son like that for about 20 minutes. I was just a young teenager and I wasn't sure what to do. I felt so sorry for the boy but I just didn't know what to do about this because it was something I had never confronted before. My cousin yelled to let her son go to no avail. When he finally did let the boy go, the rage built up in this child was so very apparent. His face was red, he was crying and he was hurting. Plus the dad held him so tight that at times he couldn't breathe! I know that feeling of not being able to breathe and it is terrifying!!! Later when the boy was a young man, we talked about this incident. He remembered it very well because I had been a witness and he was embarassed. I confessed to him that I really didn't know what to do. I guess I was just dumb. This was in the 1960's and abuse wasn't really talked about as much as it is now. My final words are to this woman: At this point the boy is in his 40s, dad and mom are in their late 60's, and the son will have nothing to do with either of them, the dad for his abuse, and the mom because she refused to help him, or get he and his sister away from the 'crazy man' as he calls his father. Your friend could end up losing her child if not as a youth, then later in life when the realities settle and the child understands what happened to him/her and the mother did nothing to protect. That is EXACTLY what happened to my cousin. My aunt didn't protect her from the stepfather and she held that against her mother. So why she continued with that mindset I just don't get. I know there were many other abuses because he told me about them in this long and weepy conversation. He didn't tell me anything about abuse to his sister, and she has never said anything but I don't even want to think about this. I am so very disappointed in my cousin because she never left the b-----d. She always felt she deserved the abuse. They are still together after 50 years of 'marriage'. My aunt, who I loved very much, is now dead and so all the stories are coming out. I am also disappointed in her. It is hard to adjust to the idea that a beloved aunt didn't protect her children. TELL YOUR FRIEND TO GET OUT!!!!!! I'm sorry her family isn't speaking to her but perhaps it is because they know what he is. Is there a possibility that if her family, mom, sister, aunt would be willing to take her back? Sometimes people cut themselves off because there is nothing they can do, but if given a chance they would be more than willing to help out. Good luck to you and your friend.

Thank you for sharing Prairie Girl