Someone brought this term to my attention.

It's a facinating term, one I'd not heard of but they said there are two forms of cheating. One tinkers just on the edge.

What is your definition of "Emotional Cheating?"

I've heard of emotional cheating. It's when your spouse does not have physical relationship with another person, but yet they become very close - emotionally to someone else as if that person was their mate.

Exactly what Dianne described and in some ways more painful because that person is investing all their energy and emotions into somebody else. I've been on both sides of this and it's not good for your relationship.

For some reason, people don't feel it's cheating. I definitely think it is. Ms. m is right, it's more painful in some circumstances then the physical cheating to me.

I've just now heard of this and having done so, why isn't there a book about it?

It seems to reign on so many different levels!

There's the escape.

There's the "just before" whatever it is, usually, on the other end of the family, a person who "understands" you so much and "saves" you.

There's the leading up to something physical.

There is also the workaholic that can't find the same satisfaction being at home that they do emotionally at work.

Anyone? Best seller

I agree, it would be a great book. I think a lot of this is going on and the workplace is where a lot of it can start spending so much time with co-workers.

My sister says some call it office spouse or something like that. I heard it on a t.v. show too. I can't remember the term for it exactly when it happens at work.

Well, if it's o.k. I'd like to bare all and actually write this one.

I'm good with the uplifting and inspirational, but this one seems to have an edge.

From where I'm at, I can see things and feel, of course, lol, but I had literally never heard of this term and I am one of those people where, once I become facinated with something, it's a passion.

I have to share something too and maybe other women would relate. I didnt' go looking for this term, it came to me.

The person who told me of it said, "If my (partner) has to be away from our home or find someone else, my only request is that it's a prostitute." That's as good of a quote as I can get it.

My initial reaction was, BUG EYED, to be honest and it took me 30 seconds to get it.

I knew what she was going to say too.

At least if it's a prostitute, there's nothing there, he can still share intimate things with me. If it's just an urge, I can deal with that, because it's like a hit and then it's gone.

It kind of reminds me of emotinoal beating vs, physical. Hands down, I'd take the physical every time

Wow, what a terrible way to feel that way about your partner. I get it though and that is why so many guys get addicted to porn, topless bars, and yes hookers.

It's sad that couples feel they have to resort to this. Why not just fix it or walk away?

No kidding, really...

I stand by that!

If it bothers you, say something. If you don't and especially if there's routine, there's a good chance you and your partner are kind of going through motions of the everyday getting this or that done and God forbid, trying to obtain something better than just eeking by.

If you're going to involve other people, after awhile what you may end up having may be worse than what you had before?

Does this mean we are now supposed to police our spouses emotions and thoughts, not just their actions? It sounds a little bit like I am expected to be the mind police for my spouse, or her for me. It sounds a bit like Orwell's "1984". Must my thoughts and feelings be as faithfully pure as my actions? My thoughts and emotions are my own I don't want anyone policing them. Nor do I want to police the thoughts and emotions of my wife.

Hi Craig58,
No that's not the context of emotional cheating I'm talking about. Of course, everyone has their own thoughts and emotions that can not be monitored..

The emotional cheating I'm talking about and have seen is when a spouse connects with someone other then their spouse, nothing physical ever happens, but they spend long periods of time communicating to the point where they feel that they are "in love" but since nothing physical happened - technically it's not the "normal" sense of cheating, but it's developing an emotional attachment in feelings that should be rserved for your spouse, but with another person.

I agree here.

No person can have their emotions and thoughts controlled. They are part fractions/components of the Soul.

However, if you are keeping physical "i's" dotted and "t's" crossed but emotionally you're pooling your energy elsewhere, whether it's porn, another person(s), an addiction, etc., that's energy that could have been better used on the attention of the relationship you're in, especially if it's waning in some fashion.

Now if there's an open agreement you do your emotional fixing, "digitally" or "office spousing", whatever and the other person can by all means do theirs, no guilt...that's an entirely different scenario.

Someone wrote once, for every downgrade you implement on your partner, there is someone else wanting to lift them up. For ever tear you make your love shed, there is someone out there waiting to make them smile and steal them away.

As available as everything is these days, there is hardly a shortage of any of these and once someone is emotionally taken in and cared for, thats going to be more of a threat than anything physical could ever be.

Elleise,
You described it perfectly!!!

Is a woman who is viewed as a Golf widow being emotionally cheated on?

Craig58, no still not quite it. It's becoming emotionally involved with someone who is not your significant other. Emotionally tied, having feelings of love or lust for someone other then your significant other and acting on it emotionally, but not physically. It's the emotional piece - not that you're out playing golf with a friend.

I think emotionally neglecting a spouse, be it for other people, hobbies or any other reason is equivalent to emotional cheating. This is because one spouse is cheating the other by neglecting to give them the emotional attention and support they deserve.

Ya,

I was going to say and this is my personal feeling or empathy rather, but when you've decided to marry or be in a committed relationship...that's something, it really is.

At least in my opinion, I look to my partner, just in general to make them feel good, care for them, share my day, etc. I don't really want another person to do this with, if I don't have to.

But when your heart enjoys someone and you're committed, but there's a vacant-ness there, it can, after awhile begin making you feel less valued. Even if you are already complete, because you want to see that spark in your husband's/partner's eye when they look at you, like they are glad they're with you and I don't feel it should go without saying. Anyone could stand to be reminded

I guess if someoen is adicted to a hobby, digital or whatever porn, social groups and especially other people, after awhile, unless you get your own fix elsewhere, your partner's views of what's important begins reflecting on you and what is probably the most dangerous thing is, lonliness...the companionship you went into the relationship to begin with.

i think emotional cheating is making an emotional attachment to others while you are in a relationship. even without a physical affection to the other person, having emotionally attached to someone else is can be called cheating.

This is a very interesting discussion. I wonder how I would feel if i was being emotionally cheated on. I will have to give that some thought.

I know of one marriage that ended after the spouse found out about emotional cheasting. And Taub, on the TV show House, just divorced his wife after she had an emotional affair.

I still don't know how i'd feel though. I would prefer to come first to my mate but i think it's reasonable to assume other people will fulfill things for him that I cannot.

Eleise,

This IS an interesting topic. There really aren't any books on the topic? It's interesting to me too that people are probably faster to view it as "cheating" when it's a guy/girl thing -- but I can see where it could simply be a pure friendship between women that evolves into something where it is "cheating" the marriage.

Is someone has a relationship with a friend, sister, co-worker where they are constantly discussing intimate details (and complaints) of their relationship and life INSTEAD of investing in the marriage relationship than that could be deemed emotionally cheating.

We do all have unmet needs from our spouse and many other wonderful relationships and that's great. But I think there is a point where it is unhealthy, where too much energy is going into the other relationship and not enough into the marriage, where it "cheats" the spouse's ability to make the marriage work. It's definitely a gray area and one where people probably fool themselves int thinking there is nothing wrong with what they are doing.

It could be any interest really. my hubby prefers his software development over any person, including me. Some people are football widows. Golf widows. And so on.

I agree with you Jilly. Emotional cheating could be the result of any thing or person that takes a person's love and attention away from their spouse.

I still like the idea of a book on this topic!

I think James sums it up well. Emotional cheating implies that you are having an intimate relationship with someone who is returning the emotions. I really don't think it is "cheating" if your spouse has a job or hobby that takes away from time with you, even if it borders on addiction. Addiction is a problem that robs the neglected spouse of emotional presence, yes, but it is not the same thing as an emotional affair.

I wrote an article about The Office Spouse which is a big phenomenon today.

Being someone who was emotionally cheated on, I agree with this definition. My husband at the time was "in love" with this other woman our entire marriage. He told me this when he told me he was divorcing me. He and this woman would call each other on their birthdays, call each other at work, etc etc. He would bring our children over to her house with the excuse that they were getting the kids together to play, but he would stay at her house & chat with her. This occurred throughout our marriage. She even called our home a few times in the middle of the night with some problem and would ask to speak to my husband.

Meanwhile, my birthdays were forgotten and he treated me like poop calling me every name in the book.

Eventually, it got to the point where he would go to her home after work instead of coming home to me.

He claims there was nothing physical between them. I have no proof there was - before we divorced, anyway.

If that's not emotional cheating, I don't what is. I do consider that to be cheating, physical or not.

That sounds horrible and I am so sorry to hear about that. It's horrible to be with someone especially if you are in love with them and to know they are emotionally bonded to another.

Here's a link to test if there is an emotional affair going on? Found it to be interesting!

Just curious, Jeanne, did you have any suspicions about his emotional affair during your marriage?

Well,when my ex left me he told me that they were not sleeping together (which I don't really believe) but anyway I told him that having an emotional affair was worse anyway. That meant that things that we were supposed to be sharing with each other in our marriage we weren't because he was sharing them with someone else. Now, our marriage wasn't fantastic. Which I believe leads to emotional affairs because if your marriage isn't working then they or you even will go looking for it somewhere else. And with Facebook that allows you access to men that you might not be privy to in your real life. Lorena www.LorenaBBooks.com

I didn't suspect any kind of cheating, but our marriage was really never that good. I did just about everything to fix our marriage that I could think of. I even asked my husband if there was something I was doing/not doing that I should change. He responded with "Nope. Everything is fine."

I didn't have a clue there was another woman until about a month before her told me he wanted a divorce. At that point, he was staying out all night a couple of nights a week. Obviously, as soon as he did that I realized something was going on.

Just so you all know - my life is WAAAAAAY better now. don't feel sorry for me at all. I'm remarried to a wonderful man and am very happy :-)

I am glad you are happy now.

What your ex did was stupid, but I am glad you are happy now.