Well, I've almost been married for three months, and I still have lots to learn. I love Israel, but learning to be his wife has been bumpy. I feel somewhat embarassed to admit it, but I sure cry a lot. We argued when we weren't married, but now everything is magnified and the littlest arguments are emotional. He vents his anger through yelling - not necessarily at me. He hates his job and is stressed. I hate yelling. Any ideas how I can tone this down? Yes, I told him I hate it etc...

I took a cassette recorder (and, later a video camera) and we both recorded our "hot" moments of anger. We both felt pretty bad when we played them back.

NOW, we use the cassette and/or the videos to leave a "happy" message or record a more serious message to each other. We always follow the "walk away and cool off" rule before discussing anything we have argued over.

I come from a house of yellers and absolutely refuse to have it in my house. My husband (of 11 years) is a yeller - or was. We both agree to disagree and walk away until we've cooled off. If we worry that we will forget a point we want to address, we record it or write it down.

As you know.....the yelling can lead to words or gestures that are hurtful and may be very difficult to overcome in the future.

Kitty

Yes, that is a good idea, and Israel agreed. Things are going well actually. We have ups and downs, but this week is definitely an up week. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for your advice.

I think it's important to realize that it's normal to fight and to cry at the beginning. This is a HUGE change for both of you and it's never the way you think it's going to be. You go through all this gigantic buildup, the engagement and marriage with tons of friends and family and support and then POOF it's just you two and the realities of trying to live together.

And where before your fights always had an "out" - that you could leave if things got "too bad" - now they don't. And that is REALLY scary. As much as you love someone, you have to get over that "you're trapped" voice that can whisper sometimes.

So just take it slow, and give each other space and time to adjust. If you start to get riled, take a time out and go do something else. It doesn't matter who starts it. Just back off, and things will be better later.

My husband and I have been married for two years, and I remember during the first few months... well when I'm angry I tend to throw things, not at people, and thankfully I've never broken anything either! But the first few months were really bad, my temper raged all the time. Eventually things settled down, and we became more of a "set". You know those couples that you could never image apart? It just took some time, and adapting to each other.

Two years, eh? I remember around the 2-3 year mark I was in a stage of "this is pretty nice, I just wish some things would change about our life". I'd sort of settled into things in general, but the annoying little things had gotten to the point that I wanted to take some action against them <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Are you at that point? How are you handling it? I remember that my boyfriend never did the laundry and left me without clothes. On the other hand he thought I did an awful job with the dishes <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Shawn and I have always seen pretty much eye to eye, actually, the only problems we have now are who gets to play on the playstation when we're both bored, or who gets to take the kids on the rides this time lol.

Jeez so much for my 'how do you negotiate solutions' thoughts! There must be SOMETHING you guys disagree about <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why not put your computer and playstation side by side so you can play 'together'? <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay my name has been changed, from Rinoa to this <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> . Anyway, we tried putting the computer and playstation together.. it just didn't work. I never got any work done, and one or the other of us ended up staring at the other persons game! So we moved them apart for the sake of productivity. I use this computer to work on my art anyway, and when all of my pictures started looking like they had come out of a final fantasy artists sketchbook.. well I realized that I just couldn't sit in there lol.
I think one of the reasons why we don't fight so much, is because we've known each other for a very long time... and we were living together for several years before we got married. So we pretty much worked out all the newlywed kinks before the wedding lol. There are things that we disagree on. And we've learned to respect each others opinions. A fine example is my ex. I have a daughter with him, and he has yet to pay child support.... or even really see her. His mother on the other hand, takes her every weekend for nana/babygirl time. Shawn has become completely frustrated with this situation and just wants to cut Manny (the ex)off. I feel that it is not my right to forbid my daughter from seeing her father (unless he was a child abuser, or something like that). So we disagree. Shawn keeps his cool by backing me up in court, and by being there for our baby. he feels that she is as much his as she is mine. It gets frustrating, but we've learned that getting into fights just does NOT solve anything. Esspecially since when I get mad I throw things and become completely unreasonable <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

To add another stressor into the mix, Israel just lost his job yesterday. I hear that the thing to do in newlywed life is just get through it. So, I'm trying to keep my cool and live one day at a time. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jessica, I'm so sorry to hear that Israel lost his job. I know first hand how stressful that is. I can tell you from my experience that the way to make sure it doesn't hurt the marriage is to make sure you don't tell him what he did wrong, do help him look for jobs-I search the net for jobs while my husband writes resumes-and take time to do something completely unrelated to employment and money issues every day-both alone and together. You have to be a couple outside of the stress or you lose the teamwork. By working together, we found it strengthened us, instead of hurting us as it does so many others. Don't forget to have fun. When you need to vent, find a friend you trust completely to listen without telling anyone else and to give you courage. Good luck, and I'm sure something will come along quickly.

that's a really good point, my husband wants to change his career... and to keep him from just quitting, I looked up the right school for him, and got him enrolled in evening classes. Four more weeks and he gets his cdl upgraded. Things will be different with this job (it's a tad bit over the road) but whats important is being together. When my mother went off the deep end (literally, said she did not need me or my kids in her life) he just looked at me and said, it doesn't matter, we're a family and we do what's best for our family. It's all about remembering that you're a team now <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />