i need help - 02/03/08 03:45 PM
I have no idea which forum to post this, and not sure if anyone can help anyway.... but thought it was worth a try...
I am deeply conflicted, confused ....
I am following the wrong path right now and I know it. I just dont know how to turn off my desires at this point. Let me give some background. I am 38 years old and never been married. I have been in a couple of long term relationships, my current one being the longest so far of 8 years. He is a wonderful man, but as with everyone, has faults. He has been married twice and I guess doesnt want to marry again, at least not right now. I am being punished by his past failed marriages. I dont even have a ring from him. That is all I really want, a symbol of his love for me, to show others that I am taken, I am loved. But I dont want to ask him for it, and he has not offered it yet. I know he has cheated on both of his wives. Is it just a matter of time before he cheats on me? I know for a fact he flirts with girls online. Yet, we talk about retiring together, being together forever.
Back to me. Lately I have been consumed with wanting attention. Tom doesnt give me enough attention. A guy at work has shown me attention and I now am constantly thinking of him, of wanting him to touch me, kiss me, ... We have not had sex, but have gotten close. I know its wrong, yet I cant turn off the desires! I think about sex and touching way too much!
I am consumed by my weight. I am thin, yet I still feel fat. People tell me I am thin all the time and that aggravates me because I dont think so. I think about food alot. I am 5'10" 130 pounds. I eat a lot really, then always feel guilty. If I knew how to purge I would, but can never bring myself to do it. I want to lose more weight. I wake up and first thing I am feeling my hip bones, I love that feeling, feeling my bones. I want more bones. Another thing I should mention, I drink 2 alcholic beverages every evening. Not to the point of drunk, but feeling good. Always wait until 5 oclock, and done by the time dinner is done, and have no more. I have done this for years now. I am not alcholic because I can and have quit for 3 days here, 5 days there, whatever, when we go to the farm (BF's folks place). The thing here is, if I quit drinking I would lose weight because I am drinking quit a few calories in them drinks.
I am a work a holic. I feel guilty if I am ever sitting still. I work a full time job as a software engineer, come home and take care of my animals, chickens, goats, horses, dogs, cook dinner, clean house, wash clothes, keep my car spotless, tend a nice vegetable garden, and flowers, keep the lawn mowed and picked up, ride and train my horse, help BF do whatever chores he is into, mending fences, cutting down trees, restoring broken down equipment, the list never ends.... When I do sit down in the evening, I fall asleep within 30 minutes. Yet, with all these things to do, I am still bored.
I am not a people person at all. Talking to people makes me anxious and often aggravates me. I talk to my animals and plants more than humans.
I have recently had a revelation that I am consumed with time. I cant sit and relax. When I try, I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next. '30 minutes from now, I can feed the goats and put them to bed, then feed the chickens and put them to bed, then feed the dogs, shower, put the horses to bed', etc. I cant just sit there and think, or read a magazine.
I feel hurt, abandoned by God. I did wrong many years ago, having an abortion. I asked for forgiveness and I know the Word says he forgave me, but I dont feel forgiven. Maybe my own guilt still haunts me. Then, God let my Mom die. She suffered for 3 years with cancer. I asked God a million times to take her home, but didnt, he let her suffer. Why? I dont understand, and it makes me angry. And now, I will watch my Dad die with emphasema, getting worse and worse. Why? Why? I used to go to church regularly, but quit shortly after my Mom passed away. Another guilt is that I know God loves me, he has truely blessed me!
This stuff when written down doesnt seem like anything, but its spiraling out of control... I am spiraling out of control. Its all I think about! My mind just jumps from one thing to another constantly. Its just so many things piling up, overwhelming me. Nobody knows any of this. Nobody even knows these thoughts, or that I am bothered by anything. Maybe that is part of it? Nobody cares? Nobody realizes my head is broken?
What is wrong with me? How do I fix me? There are so many problems. Are they somehow related and I dont see the connection? I can not go to counceling. For one, I cant talk to people. Two, it would take too much of my time, I have responsibilities, chores to do, I cant not neglect. Or am I making something out of nothing? Nothing at all wrong?
Please help me.
I am deeply conflicted, confused ....
I am following the wrong path right now and I know it. I just dont know how to turn off my desires at this point. Let me give some background. I am 38 years old and never been married. I have been in a couple of long term relationships, my current one being the longest so far of 8 years. He is a wonderful man, but as with everyone, has faults. He has been married twice and I guess doesnt want to marry again, at least not right now. I am being punished by his past failed marriages. I dont even have a ring from him. That is all I really want, a symbol of his love for me, to show others that I am taken, I am loved. But I dont want to ask him for it, and he has not offered it yet. I know he has cheated on both of his wives. Is it just a matter of time before he cheats on me? I know for a fact he flirts with girls online. Yet, we talk about retiring together, being together forever.
Back to me. Lately I have been consumed with wanting attention. Tom doesnt give me enough attention. A guy at work has shown me attention and I now am constantly thinking of him, of wanting him to touch me, kiss me, ... We have not had sex, but have gotten close. I know its wrong, yet I cant turn off the desires! I think about sex and touching way too much!
I am consumed by my weight. I am thin, yet I still feel fat. People tell me I am thin all the time and that aggravates me because I dont think so. I think about food alot. I am 5'10" 130 pounds. I eat a lot really, then always feel guilty. If I knew how to purge I would, but can never bring myself to do it. I want to lose more weight. I wake up and first thing I am feeling my hip bones, I love that feeling, feeling my bones. I want more bones. Another thing I should mention, I drink 2 alcholic beverages every evening. Not to the point of drunk, but feeling good. Always wait until 5 oclock, and done by the time dinner is done, and have no more. I have done this for years now. I am not alcholic because I can and have quit for 3 days here, 5 days there, whatever, when we go to the farm (BF's folks place). The thing here is, if I quit drinking I would lose weight because I am drinking quit a few calories in them drinks.
I am a work a holic. I feel guilty if I am ever sitting still. I work a full time job as a software engineer, come home and take care of my animals, chickens, goats, horses, dogs, cook dinner, clean house, wash clothes, keep my car spotless, tend a nice vegetable garden, and flowers, keep the lawn mowed and picked up, ride and train my horse, help BF do whatever chores he is into, mending fences, cutting down trees, restoring broken down equipment, the list never ends.... When I do sit down in the evening, I fall asleep within 30 minutes. Yet, with all these things to do, I am still bored.
I am not a people person at all. Talking to people makes me anxious and often aggravates me. I talk to my animals and plants more than humans.
I have recently had a revelation that I am consumed with time. I cant sit and relax. When I try, I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next. '30 minutes from now, I can feed the goats and put them to bed, then feed the chickens and put them to bed, then feed the dogs, shower, put the horses to bed', etc. I cant just sit there and think, or read a magazine.
I feel hurt, abandoned by God. I did wrong many years ago, having an abortion. I asked for forgiveness and I know the Word says he forgave me, but I dont feel forgiven. Maybe my own guilt still haunts me. Then, God let my Mom die. She suffered for 3 years with cancer. I asked God a million times to take her home, but didnt, he let her suffer. Why? I dont understand, and it makes me angry. And now, I will watch my Dad die with emphasema, getting worse and worse. Why? Why? I used to go to church regularly, but quit shortly after my Mom passed away. Another guilt is that I know God loves me, he has truely blessed me!
This stuff when written down doesnt seem like anything, but its spiraling out of control... I am spiraling out of control. Its all I think about! My mind just jumps from one thing to another constantly. Its just so many things piling up, overwhelming me. Nobody knows any of this. Nobody even knows these thoughts, or that I am bothered by anything. Maybe that is part of it? Nobody cares? Nobody realizes my head is broken?
What is wrong with me? How do I fix me? There are so many problems. Are they somehow related and I dont see the connection? I can not go to counceling. For one, I cant talk to people. Two, it would take too much of my time, I have responsibilities, chores to do, I cant not neglect. Or am I making something out of nothing? Nothing at all wrong?
Please help me.