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#372060 02/03/08 11:45 AM
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I have no idea which forum to post this, and not sure if anyone can help anyway.... but thought it was worth a try...
I am deeply conflicted, confused ....

I am following the wrong path right now and I know it. I just dont know how to turn off my desires at this point. Let me give some background. I am 38 years old and never been married. I have been in a couple of long term relationships, my current one being the longest so far of 8 years. He is a wonderful man, but as with everyone, has faults. He has been married twice and I guess doesnt want to marry again, at least not right now. I am being punished by his past failed marriages. I dont even have a ring from him. That is all I really want, a symbol of his love for me, to show others that I am taken, I am loved. But I dont want to ask him for it, and he has not offered it yet. I know he has cheated on both of his wives. Is it just a matter of time before he cheats on me? I know for a fact he flirts with girls online. Yet, we talk about retiring together, being together forever.

Back to me. Lately I have been consumed with wanting attention. Tom doesnt give me enough attention. A guy at work has shown me attention and I now am constantly thinking of him, of wanting him to touch me, kiss me, ... We have not had sex, but have gotten close. I know its wrong, yet I cant turn off the desires! I think about sex and touching way too much!

I am consumed by my weight. I am thin, yet I still feel fat. People tell me I am thin all the time and that aggravates me because I dont think so. I think about food alot. I am 5'10" 130 pounds. I eat a lot really, then always feel guilty. If I knew how to purge I would, but can never bring myself to do it. I want to lose more weight. I wake up and first thing I am feeling my hip bones, I love that feeling, feeling my bones. I want more bones. Another thing I should mention, I drink 2 alcholic beverages every evening. Not to the point of drunk, but feeling good. Always wait until 5 oclock, and done by the time dinner is done, and have no more. I have done this for years now. I am not alcholic because I can and have quit for 3 days here, 5 days there, whatever, when we go to the farm (BF's folks place). The thing here is, if I quit drinking I would lose weight because I am drinking quit a few calories in them drinks.

I am a work a holic. I feel guilty if I am ever sitting still. I work a full time job as a software engineer, come home and take care of my animals, chickens, goats, horses, dogs, cook dinner, clean house, wash clothes, keep my car spotless, tend a nice vegetable garden, and flowers, keep the lawn mowed and picked up, ride and train my horse, help BF do whatever chores he is into, mending fences, cutting down trees, restoring broken down equipment, the list never ends.... When I do sit down in the evening, I fall asleep within 30 minutes. Yet, with all these things to do, I am still bored.

I am not a people person at all. Talking to people makes me anxious and often aggravates me. I talk to my animals and plants more than humans.

I have recently had a revelation that I am consumed with time. I cant sit and relax. When I try, I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next. '30 minutes from now, I can feed the goats and put them to bed, then feed the chickens and put them to bed, then feed the dogs, shower, put the horses to bed', etc. I cant just sit there and think, or read a magazine.

I feel hurt, abandoned by God. I did wrong many years ago, having an abortion. I asked for forgiveness and I know the Word says he forgave me, but I dont feel forgiven. Maybe my own guilt still haunts me. Then, God let my Mom die. She suffered for 3 years with cancer. I asked God a million times to take her home, but didnt, he let her suffer. Why? I dont understand, and it makes me angry. And now, I will watch my Dad die with emphasema, getting worse and worse. Why? Why? I used to go to church regularly, but quit shortly after my Mom passed away. Another guilt is that I know God loves me, he has truely blessed me!

This stuff when written down doesnt seem like anything, but its spiraling out of control... I am spiraling out of control. Its all I think about! My mind just jumps from one thing to another constantly. Its just so many things piling up, overwhelming me. Nobody knows any of this. Nobody even knows these thoughts, or that I am bothered by anything. Maybe that is part of it? Nobody cares? Nobody realizes my head is broken?

What is wrong with me? How do I fix me? There are so many problems. Are they somehow related and I dont see the connection? I can not go to counceling. For one, I cant talk to people. Two, it would take too much of my time, I have responsibilities, chores to do, I cant not neglect. Or am I making something out of nothing? Nothing at all wrong?

Please help me.

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Dear Chickenchaps:

Thank you for sharing your story on this forum. With all that you are experiencing it is understandable that you feel overwhelmed. And I hear what you are saying about time constraints.

But let me ask you this, if you thought speaking to a counselor would actually save you time, would you be motivated to do it then? A counselor could perhaps help you gain clarity which would then allow you to spend more time focusing on those things you find enjoyable in your life.

In terms of not being able to open up to people. I can understand this as well--I'm an introvert myself. However a good counselor is trained to help you become comfortable enough to talk. That's their job.

On another note, I'd like to suggest a book called Appetites: On the Search for True Nourishment by Geneen Roth. It's about attaining overall personal fulfillment, body image and food. An excellent, excellent read.

Take care and please keep in touch.

Leah


LEAH MULLEN
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As someone who suffers from Depression, and fought agsinst that (and going to get help for it) for a long time, I can recognize the arguments that a person makes to themself when they are in denial about something.

You brought up back to back problems with; reltionship, eating disorder, drinking, and an OCD quality. Then immediately said you cannot go see a counselor.

What I really read into that is that somewhere deep inside you are crying for someone to help you, and you know that going to see a counselor will be the best thing for you. But you are scared. And I can understand that. Healing takes a lot of courage - it takes a lot to face up to what is really hurting you deep down - and thoe counselors and therapists have a way of getting at stuff. Which is good! But yes, it is hard.

Of course you will have to make time for it - but it will mean time for you! It will help you to have peace with yourself, and it will help you with whatever decisions you need to make when it comes to other people as well, particularly whomever you decide to make your life partner.

Good luck on your journey!



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Dear Chickenchaps,

I think you've taken a brave step in sharing what you are going through. I honour you for that.

From what you've shared, it sounds like you are lacking purpose and looking for love in all the wrong places (meaning those places aren't loving you back).

At the end of your post, you asked if there was nothing wrong in your situation, even though you had just posed the question, "What is wrong with me?"

This is one of those areas where I wish I could infuse into you the truth that there is NOTHING wrong with you!

In fact, if you were to trust your own instincts, you would recognize you are feeling the way you are feeling because it is time to make some changes. The way you've been living isn't working for you... period.

You're an intelligent woman, you're just reading it all wrong thinking the problem is you. The problem is your situation and the situation can be changed.

This isn't about other people deciding what makes you happy. Your heart has the answers to that question of what will make you happy. Your heart is also looking for approval from.. YOU!

Of course, you need to take the time to listen to what your heart is saying. I can understand it is a scary experience. It is a common thing to run ourselves non-stop when we are afraid of what our heart has to say.

However, when you recognize that your heart is actually good and that you aren't a bad person, it makes it a little easier to hear what your heart has to say.

So you've made some bad choices, well, most of us have! As someone who has worked with women a long time, nothing you say actually surprises me.

You say you know God loves you. I agree! That sweet babe you were too terrified to keep on earth is there with God living fully alive even as you are reading this.

Perhaps, the one who's life is now being stolen is yours. God is the epitome of love and forgiveness. Isn't it time you decided to take God's lead to love and forgive yourself?

When we withhold love from ourselves, we rob ourselves of what we crave most. As women, we want to be loved and adored and feel valuable. However, you will never find what you are looking for in a man.

If you chose to love and forgive yourself, you just might find the craving to fill yourself with love from a man would fade away.

There was a time I looked to men to fill me. When I got married, I thought it would all be better. It wasn't. Marriage comes with it's own set of challenges. I discovered that happiness comes from a completely different place.

I invite you to let all the love in that God has been waiting to pour all over you and then I invite you to turn some of that love towards yourself. Your heart is crying out for love and perhaps it is time to heed its cry.

You are a special beautiful woman! All women are and you are simply no exception to that rule.

It's time to recognize your true value and then find out what will give you a purpose for being here beyond proving your worth through work.

Love and warmth to you,

Tami




Tami is an Executive Leadership and Business Women's Coach. She invites women to use their genius in business in today's wild economy. http://www.UlimateBusinessCamp.com
Tami S #433896 07/08/08 02:58 PM
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Edited by management for TOS violations

Last edited by Jeanne Daigle; 12/17/08 02:33 PM.
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Hi Chickenchaps smile

You're not alone as you can see by the support you've received here. I don't know you and won't pretend to give you your own answers. What I can do is share with you what I know has worked for me in my life, and hundreds of others.

We're all here on earth to live a happy and fulfilling life, a life of purpose, passion and possibilities. Many of us lose sight of that though in the daily conditioning we receive from parents, siblings, friends and peers. Before we know it we just don't know who we are anymore. It's like you wake up one day and say enough is enough. When you get to that point, that's where the magic begins to happen...if you're willing to do the work.

You have all the answers you need inside of you right now. The problem is, often we don't know how to access those answers or are living in a state of complete overwhelm and we just can't tap into our own unlimited power. How do you go from a life of guilt, unhappiness, boredom and frustration to one that empowers you to be the best you can be and share your gifts with the world?

Get clear on what you want. If you don't know what it is you want, make a list of all the things you have in your life that you don't want. Make sure not to dwell on these negatives, just notice them, list them and move onto the next one. Once your list is complete, write the exact opposite of what you don't want. So if you don't want your husband ignoring you, put down that you want your husband to lavish attention on you and show you how much he loves YOU. This whole process may seem depressing at first, but once you turn your attention to what you truly want, you'll start to notice a shift in the way that you feel. It's always nicer to focus on what we want and where we want to go than on all the things that hold us back and make us feel rotten. This is a learned habit that may be difficult at first, but just like riding a bike, it becomes easy in no time at all.

One of the ways to start to make that shift is to surround yourself with a great support network (like this one) that encourages you to become who you want, rather than hold you back and keep you down. This is so very important in anyone's life.

Life coaching is another great tool that can help you realize and live your full potential. After all, sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. A personal coach (or in group format) gets you forward focused and creating your own dream life. Every successful person I know has a life coach/business coach/ or mentor to help move them to the next level.

Self improvement and personal development books are a great resource because they're like your own persona support network. It's so important these days to put the good stuff in our heads to counteract all the negative stuff we get daily. One of my favorites in the personal development arena is Jack Canfield's "Success Principles". If you're truly ready to make a change in your life, his book is a fantastic resource to get you going!

Another great resource is meditation. When most people think of meditation they think that it's sitting in a yogic position, chanting unfamiliar words and sounds. Meditation to me is just sitting quietly, "following your breath", and not thinking. This was tough for me at first because like you, I was always thinking, and always having to do something. When I sit and pay attention to my inhalation and exhalation, I'm not thinking - you can only think 1 thought at a time after all. Something magical happens when you clear some space in your head...answers to your problems appear out of nowhere, people, places and things come into your life to help you through your process, and you begin to live a happy, fulfilling life.

Chickenchaps (great name by the way), it sounds like you're dealing with alot of guilt and issues of forgiveness. You'll want to explore that if you're going to pull yourself up and move onto a greater more fulfilling life, otherwise it will keep coming back to haunt you. Brandon Bays wrote a book called "The Journey" which is all about clearing out all that old baggage we carry around so that we can create magnificient lives. It certainly helped me in my own process.

I certainly don't want this to seem so easy because it's not - or it can be. It is however, very simple if you follow a process of self-discovery. Very soon you'll see a light at the end of the tunnel and wonder what took you so long. I know I did!

Tap into your resources Chickenchaps. I'll be thinking of you and sending my own support your way.

Miki
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Last edited by Jeanne Daigle; 12/17/08 02:24 PM.

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