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Would you have a problem with this?

Posted By: Katja

Would you have a problem with this? - 09/05/05 06:47 AM

I'll start off by saying this is going to be a tad long...I'll try not to ramble too much though.

Backstory: My partner of almost four years (very serious relationship) lives a couple hours away from me--finally has his own apartment. It's his last year of college (five-year plan), and I graduated in May and am back living with my mom until I find a job, hopefully where he is.

Anyway, a bunch of our friends from school were over visiting this weekend (alas, I couldn't get down there). But then he told me one of them would be spending the night tonight when everyone else went back (she is the only one there this weekend who's no longer a student--she graduated when I did and now actually lives in my hometown). He said she can't spend the night with one of our friends back at school, which is why she's at his place tonight and not there, but we have our other friends at school I'd think she could stay with...

I'm a tad uncomfortable about this. I mean, it's not like I think they're going to do anything, but still. I'd be fine with it if I were there, or if one of our other friends was there, but....

It makes me feel weird when they hit on each other a lot, which they do. I'm not entirely sure if they sort of have a crush on each other--I am not sure if she finds him at all attractive, but I suspect that he either has a tiny crush on her or that he just plain likes the attention (she's the flirty sort, so she hits on everyone, but he really seems to eat it up). It's a little weird to me, to see my partner sort of hitting on someone else, whether it's poking each other and giggling madly, or when they'll give each other a "meaningful look" sometimes, the sort of way you wouldn't expect someone to do except with the person they're with, you know? And she's one of those girls that is attractive to guys, so it's not like it's entirely surprising. Even though I know nothing's up, and he doesn't ignore me when she's around or anything, it freaks me out a bit. But, like I said, I'm willing to be fine with it because I know it means nothing and just chalk it up to my jealousy/insecurity.

However, this spending the night thing. I know nothing's going to happen--even if they get really drunk or something, I'm pretty sure--but it's still weird. I mean, he's pretty strange when drunk, but I think he'd be with it enough even if a girl he found attractive made a pass, and while I know she probably gets lonely since she and her boyfriend broke up a few months ago, and I think she's sort of the type that might find it amusing to steal someone else's boyfriend, I'm sure she's NOT the type to do it to a friend ( I can't get the thought of "what if something DOES happen???" out of the back of my head, but that's because I'm weird and have always been irrationally afraid of infidelity). So before anyone suggests this is a trust issue: it's not.

I guess a lot of what bothers me is how it will LOOK. I mean, the residents in his building are probably used to seeing me when I visit, the apartment owner and manager know who I am and that he and I are together...but really, if he has another girl spending the night, what is it going to look like? I don't want weird looks next time I go back there because people are thinking "ooh, poor thing, I bet she has no idea he's got another girl..."

I know people have mistaken them for being together before--they went to a ren fest once that I nor any of our other friends could go to, and somebody they talked to there assumed they were together, according to my partner. (I didn't want to ask him why the person thought that--I preferred to think it was one of those things where this person always assumed that two people of the opposite sex who happened to be somewhere together were in a relationship, but considering the way they act sometimes I imagine it would be an easy mistake to make. This too bothered me a bit, but again, I'm insecure so I pushed it aside).

Am I stupid to feel like this? I mean, is it prudish to worry about how something like this will LOOK to other people and what they'll think of it? Maybe it's just me--I mean, I've always sorta been raised that you don't exactly spend the night one-on-one with random guys you're not in a relationship with, you know, even if they're friends--it's not something I can imagine me ever doing (I know my mom would be horrified if I told her this was happening--not sure how his parents might feel about it if they knew). And it probably wouldn't bother me so much if it was one of our other friends, rather than this one, because of the way they act around each other.

So I don't know if I'm overly jealous, or overly prudish, or what--I know I'm always too afraid of being cheated on, which is why I'm not sure if I'm just out of line, or if it is really not a cool thing to do. I have the urge to say "uh, can't she stay with one of our friends back at school? Because this doesn't really seem cool to me," but I also don't want to be the overjealous, overcontrolling b*tch of a girlfriend who won't let her partner see any of his friends, and I don't want to grudge my friend a place to stay when she's down there, but....as I said, I'm not sure why she couldn't stay with one of our other friends just fine (I also don't want this becoming a common thing, for her to stay with him when she's visiting).

Would you let your significant other have someone of the opposite sex (or same sex, if you're not straight) overnight, just the two of them? Is that quite, um, proper, for a guy who's practically married but for the legal part, even if nothing untoward happens? Should I just STFU already and suck it up and stop being such a jealous controlling b*tch?

TIA for all advice...
Posted By: Fingas

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/05/05 02:31 PM

I dont know where your location is but I live in brooklyn. If another guy even looks at me my fiance is over him like white on rice. I guess out here in NY they would call it disrespectful. Even if they are giving a comment. Any way you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. First tell him that you trust them ask him why couldnt she go home or stay somewhere else. And the whole flirting thing no you dont have to take it I would ask him how would he feel if you done it to other guys. If he says he wouldnt care then we have a problem. She is not his GF or lover that is his friend he shouldnt be flirting with her he should be flirting with his GF and that is you. Look I had a BF once and we had this girl name amber as our friend. We was close they always giggled and hug and comment each other they even had two classes with each other. They would walk to the second class while I waited for them (because the 2nd class we had together) I never told him how I felt about it. Long story short one day he upset me and I went home he called me broke it off. That was like my first love it was like the worst feeling in the world. I saw them in the hall way holding hands and wearing the hoody I bought him. She said we cant hide our feeling towards each other anymore! I was like so how long has this been going on for? They were right under my nose the whole time messing around for months. So I hit her in the stomach and took the bottom of the hoody and pulled it over her head taking it off her. I told her mine hoody B*TCH I was p*ssed. I'm not trying to fill your head up with "this is what they could be doing info". Just be alert ask questions be concerned for yourself and feeling. You are not pointing fingers, and you are not snooping around. Just tell him that you are concerned whats going on thats all. Good luck 2 ya javascript:void(0)
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Posted By: Roni

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/05/05 09:52 PM

If you wonder if you are wrong somehow for thinking this "feels weird"..well, you are NOT! You feel what you feel and that is what you are totally entitled to do...would I "feel weird" hell yeah..would I be POed?? Hell yeah! would he hear about it..You guess? This is wayyyyy to convoluted for my taste---telling you it is happening does not in any way make it "Feel" any differently. Why should that change how you feel? Clearly her staying with him is NOT necessary and even if nothing happens...how would he feel if some guy was staying alone with you while he was elsewhere?? sheesh..
Posted By: Bryndian

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/06/05 01:35 AM

My hubby and I each have several friends of our own same sex... And have had overnight visitors in the past of some of those friends. Sometimes I'm there, sometimes I'm not, and vice versa.

Its never really bothered me one way or the other... My hubby is a charming, sweet man, who flirts and picks and plays but in the end, I know who he's gonna be sleeping with.

I could just be odd, but I'm not the jealous or possessive type... And once I trust someone (which goes without saying here or I wouldn't have married him), I trust them implicitly. He's mine, and I'm his and nothing or no one is going to change that.

You keep saying that you *know* nothing is going to happen, so why let it bother you? Who cares what anyone else thinks? If anyone says something to you, you will always have the upper hand by the very fact that it wasn't a secret... You knew that the friend was staying overnight, and you trusted your boyfriend enough not to be insecure about it.
Posted By: Katja

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/06/05 02:10 AM

I guess "know" is more like I'm 98% certain nothing would happen and the other 2% is "I really don't want to think anything would happen."

Being as she and I aren't really CLOSE friends, I can't say for sure that I know she wouldn't get it on with a friend's significant other. And being as I can't get inside his head, I can't say for sure that his conscience could take over his lack of inhibitions if he were smashed and dealing with the ego trip/hormone inundation that would occur if someone he found attractive propositioned him. I have no idea if they were having any alcohol last night or not. He didn't seem off when I talked to him over instant messenger so I assume not, or at least he wasn't drunk (yet?).

Usually I can keep insecurity and jealousy curbed, but I have never thought there's a reason why someone in a serious relationship needs to spend the night alone with someone who's not their significant other; if someone else had posted this and not me, I likely would've been appalled by it and advised them certainly not to treat it so gently as I've been doing.

Part of my worries also are that I was talking to him online last night and he said something about how they were going to watch a movie or TV or something so he was going to go, and if he didn't come back later that meant he'd "crashed" (i.e. stayed up too late, gotten really tired, and fallen asleep). At first I thought "okay, big deal, you're going to get tired and go to sleep without talking to me more, it's happened before." But once I thought about it, I thought, "WAIT. 'Crash' as in fall asleep where you're sitting? Does this mean the plans are not that you're sleeping in your room and she's sleeping in the living room but you'll both be in the living room????? The SMALL living room where two people sleeping on the floor can't be that far apart?" Perhaps that is not what happened, but I can see no other reason that if he actually got up from the couch or wherever and went to his room to bed, that he would not first go the two feet to the computer, and sign off the instant message program before he went to bed.

I just really hate this. I mean, I've overlooked the flirting, because that's what she does, and I'm not going to grudge him the ego boost of someone besides me hitting on him because it probably does him good--I even didn't say anything the time last weekend when our whole group was together (this time we were at another friend's house all with sleeping bags on her living room floor) and he was lying there with her sitting next to him running her fingers through his hair (I swear she was, I had to keep myself from saying "OH F*CK NO, I KNOW MY EYES ARE DECEIVING ME AND YOU'RE NOT STROKING MY SO'S HAIR!"). But this, is starting to be a little too much...
Posted By: Fingas

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/06/05 02:17 PM

Ok now we have problem! Girl it is time to take off the gloves and put on the steel toe boots and kick this B*tch in her teeth. No wait... lets start over. What you have said makes me look at him alot different now. I wouldnt be able to trust them. They could of had a past together that you didnt know of (the whole running her finger in his hair thing, him lying to you in the past about certain things). Oh my Gah! just go find out if something or nothing happen between them before it gets to deep. Also for you two to be so far apart seems to be easy for him to do what he wants. It seems to me that those two are up to something. Good luck in finding a job a place big money, big money, big money, big money, big money, no wammies! javascript:void(0)
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Posted By: Katja

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/06/05 06:52 PM

Oh no, they don't have a past. I've known her longer than he has, and we've been together since freshman year.
Posted By: nyxha

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/12/05 07:53 PM

I'm also a very jealous person, so I can understand where you're coming from. I think you should just be honest with him--tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. I have a lot of guy friends, and there have been plenty of times where I've crashed at one of their houses and nothing's happened--we're just friends. But it sounds as if there's at least some sort of attraction between these 2, and I think that would make me feel very uncomfortable. I know from experience what alcohol and loneliness can do to a person, despite a person's good intentions. If it was a question of just having a friend stay the night...same or opposite sex, I would say that you should try to trust him. But since it's a question of having someone over that acts like more than a friend...I think you should talk to him about it.
Posted By: Katja

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/14/05 09:21 AM

Well....I was right. The conclusion to a long and convoluted story that started a week ago is that he and I are broken up and now they are together.

It all started when I told him, calmly and without accusation, that I wasn't comfortable with the co-ed sleepovers....*sigh*
Posted By: Fingas

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/14/05 08:29 PM

Oh hunny, sweetheart (heart is dropping) I'm so sorry. Are you ok? Oh man Wow I feel so bad sweetie hung on in there ok. Atleast he is one less jerk that is in your life. I'm sorry I dont want to call him a jerk.
Posted By: Katja

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/15/05 01:14 AM

Na, he's a jerk. I know that.

This has taken its toll on me; without telling you the whole really long story it's hard to explain but it's dragged on for over a week now and been sort of a nasty breakup, still having a bit of trouble eating and sleeping. Definitely feeling better now than at first though.

But it's still damn hard. And I keep thinking I miss him and still love him, but that feels false because I know what I miss is what I thought we had, and what I love is what I thought he was, so I guess I really don't miss or love him at all.
Posted By: kellyfitzgerald

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/15/05 03:46 AM

It is hard to trust people in these crazy, convoluted times. On the one hand, you would hope someone you are this serious about would not pull anything to jeopardize your serious relationship. On the other, he is a younger man who are known, at times, to, well, not be so manly.

Also, you feel bad about yourself and possibly the relationship for even thinking this way for you start to feel like "is our relationship really as strong as I thought for me to not be as trusting as I thought I was?"

Ultimately, you need to discuss this with him, tell him how you feel, and if he respects it going forward, you have a keeper.

Good luck!

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Posted By: nyxha

Re: Would you have a problem with this? - 09/16/05 02:44 AM

I'm really sorry. I know how confused, torn, angry, etc. you must feel. I'm sure you already know this, but it never hurts to hear it--you will get over him, and you will find love elsewhere. And it's okay to think that you loved him and that you miss him. Yes, you loved and are missing what you thought you had, but that was your reality at the time, and it's okay to miss that.
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