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I know I am lucky to have that amount of money. The irony of of it all is if whoever set the Ste-Florence house on fire would not of done it then I would still be stuck there with no money and no way out. Also the irony is that that town is where my parents decided to let go of their rare positives and it is also the worst place I have ever been to but it was the only house we have lived where I was not in a complete prison because it was the only place there were no television in the kitchen so I could go there whenever I wanted to.

When I go out nobody can tell that I am miserable. I have learned when very young to hide it and I do it very well. Only the people who talk to me and to whom I confess things know what is going on with me. So when I meet people I am always smiling so that will not stop me from getting a job. I am shy so I have trouble looking at people in the eyes which stopped me from getting jobs when I left school. I tried getting a job when we were living in Ste-Florence but I did not get one there because of the people who hate people who speak another language than French, here there are many English speaking people and the rest are not like in Ste-Florence and the nearest towns.

I want to be totally sure that I do not end up in debt and or on the streets when I leave. I have always paid my credit card bills when I got them and I have never pawned anything and got any loans, I do not want to start now or any other time.

I have found a few apartments at less than 500$ (the best would be 400$ so that 100$ per week could be put aside for rent) with the electricity and water included but when I called they were already rented so it's hard. New Brunswick would be the best bet because this is where it cost less to live in Canada but sadly they let Quebecers change laws there and it's now almost as worst as Quebec is. The weirdest is that the places it cost more is in the smallest provinces and the three territories which is insane because there are less people and jobs there.

When I am leaving I will never be back and if they find me then I will get a lawyer and make sure they stay away.

We are living right in front of a beach and the town and people here are normal so at least I am not living in a complete hell. I am stuck with two monsters but the surroundings is nice which is helping me to relax (well at least when im out the house and when they are not in the house).

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One of the times I woke up last night dad was banging on the floor nonstop (without walking - he was just standing in the kitchen banging his feet over and over for several minutes sometimes stopping for a few seconds) and I almost had a panic attack before falling asleep again.

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Literally seconds after I submitted that comment dad started banging on the floor again (sometimes while standing there and sometimes while walking - when he does that while walking its worst because he adds another sound with his feet so its a combination) and I was close to several panic attacks, the last times I had to bang on my computer to calm myself (when i do that i use the tips of my fingers - if that does not help then the next steps for me is to insult myself + wish i would be dead or hit myself [normally thighs or head] then when im not calmed down its a panic attack), at the start mom joined him and I think this is what pushed me over the edge. He is still going at it and I am still close to a panic attack, I'll go make some food, he and she will push my buttons but they will not bang on the floor because this is something they do only when I am not around them.

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Computer desk not computer.

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He started again when I went back downstairs, he had stopped a few minutes later but he is starting again. I almost had one panic attack after getting back downstairs (had to hit my desk to calm myself) but right now I am not close to a panic attack.

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I was having (a few minutes ago) a normal conversation with mom and she of course had to turn it around like she almost always do, this time it was with a mean sarcastic remark that was disguised as a question.

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Got a few hours of peace today smile!

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For a while before breakfast (while here in the 4 threads i post in every morning) I almost had a panic attack and right now too I am close to one (both thanks to dad banging on the floor over and over).

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The past few days mom has been worst than dad and that is something because he is at the psychopath level but she now has zero problem being at that level too!

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Just had a panic attack!

My right eye started to hurt so I went and checked it, I thought it was one of the eyelash on top that is white and is low so sometimes or often it will touch the eye but to make sure I checked to see if there was another eye lash that I could get before it fell in the eye and while looking I was sure that I saw a white thread in it, I tried to calm myself by telling me it was an illusion (the lights here are not very bright so its hard to do a few things including looking in eyes) but I was sure it was something there. After the attack I put one eye drop in each eyes. It still hurts and I do know it's not something in the eye but I'm still freaking out about it.

This all started while I was eating an apple while walking and talking in the basement, maybe I should start wearing protective glasses all the time if so then I would be totally sure nothing is in the eyes when it starts to hurt!

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