BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Loss of a Pet

My boyfriend came in when I was wiping down the bookcase that my parakeet's cage used to sit on. My keet died two days ago. The bookcase had seeds and such on it. He had made the bookcase for me.

My boyfriend made a comment along the lines of "Glad to see you kept that bookcase so clean - oh wait, you didn't." I.e. snide.

My response was, "I'm sitting here cleaning away the remnants of a beloved pet. Surely that comment wasn't necessary."

He was quiet and left me to my cleaning.

I realize we all deal with grief differently, but sometimes I think people don't think before they say some things. There's no reason to add more sadness in the world.

If the purpose of a comment is primarily to make someone feel sad, or conversely to make others feel good by making them feel better than another person, I just don't see how that is a good thing. Would my boyfriend feel better by making me sadder? Would that make him feel less sad? Is that a healthy way to live?

He's normally quite supportive so the whole situation struck me as just odd. He went with me to the vet when Ivory was at her end. He held Ivory just before the vet took her away.

I would imagine that he just didn't think. Maybe he was just in a bad mood and said the first thing on his mind without thinking what effect it would have on you. Still not excusable, but we all have those "oh wait words, come back" moments.

I agree. Many people just don't think before they speak (I am one of them.) Also, people do process things differently. He probably didn't connect the cleaning of the cage with the loss of Ivory.

I'm sorry, Lisa.

Thank you both.

It made me think more about why people say things which are intended to hurt others. What is the thought process behind doing that? They must do it for a reason. Does it make a person feel "good" to hurt another person? What reward do they get?

Is it a sense that, if someone else feels sad, that the speaker isn't the only one feeling sad?

Hi Lisa - I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I think sometimes, as Lori said, people just don't think before they speak, but also, even when they are close, they don't know what to say, or even how to say what they are thinking and often will just blurt out something and immediately wish it unsaid.

I have found this especially with guys, whether they are taught (by example or just by observation) that as a guy, they don't need, for want of a better word, to show there softer side or whether is in part of male-DNA I am not sure. Having said that there are some amazing guys who can say exactly what they mean and feel and plenty of women who cannot.

Also, with pets, some people don't understand the depth of feelings that are involved - even if they are also close to that animal. They don't realise that your emotions are just as involved as with a human loved one and that these feelings need to be acknowledged and worked through in the same way.

Take care Lisa and I am sure you will have lots of wonderful memories.

Lisa....so sorry to hear that you lost your beloved bird, Ivory. I have dealt with the loss of many pet birds through the years, so I understand how you feel.

Pets are very close to us. They become a part of family and when we are alone they are our best friends. I can understand your feelings.

I think your boyfriend just forgot to ask what happened that was why he said those things. Anyway, I'm so sorry about your loss, Lisa. I'm pretty sure you will cope with the situation eventually. All the best.

I would have been devestated dustng away, the remains of my beloved family. They come in all shapes, sizes and forms.

Recently, I lost one of my own members and it took me 3 days to go to the room and not only clean, but bury (sp).

I wanted to grieve. I wanted to express everything I ever did not do when I just wasn't paying attention or felt preoccupied or busy to get things done.

I wanted the perfect place to bury my friend, one which would flourish, and be undisturbed.

I'm sure...not sure, certain, animals and people do have companionship and there are connections based on a lot of different things that make some more sensitive than others to their passing.

My sympathies. I didn't know. But, I'm w/you...what you felt, anyway.

I still tear up and there's no such thing as a "replacement," but...I have found one thing, twice now...

Something happens and there's a click (light-bulb) and it's like a Soul somehow, someway, finds it's way to your door when the time is right.

It's something that can't be rushed

One of my younger sister's pets died about a month ago. They had this little Jack Russell Terrier for 14 years, about.

I hadn't spoken to my sister for about 7 years, due to circumstance, but I obtained her phone number from my mum and decided to call her to console her.

She sounded down when I called (her dog died 2 days before) but as the conversation went on and I talked about her dog and how she was such a lovely pet, her attitude changed throughout the conversation. It turned from being depressed to us belly-laughing about stuff from the past.

It was such a great conversation and I know I did the right thing by calling her. I left her happy! (somewhat!).