BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce How to find love AFTER the "D"

Love is probably one of the questions I get asked about the most.

Gay, Straight, Trans, love is love and it's a beautiful element and experience in the Human travels.

Though it can feel, "I'm never doing this again!" or "I'll never find someone again..." Usually neither are all together true.

The key to finding REAL, lasting companionship, love or even just friends at first, is working with a clean-slate!

Calming the anger and releasing the pain is usually one of the better places to begin.

Then, try asking yourself, literally with notebook in hand, "Who are you?"

Outside of your last partner, what did you enjoy before you met him/her? What DO you enjoy, now...like for me it's "Ravinia" (concert in the park) near Chicago. Cheese/wine tasting (I cook w/it) and like to entertain (BEHIND the scenes) Not the host, just the cook, lol.

For awhile it will be hard to be open to love or there may be (venting) "angry-hook-ups." Those can be fairly common or even going into isolation. There's also the fantasies and the "Must-Have's" quality lists. But the idea is getting back to your truest self.

"You were Creator made prior to partner or anything else, made...they simply contribute to an already beautiful Soul

But, what I have found, when you're ready to explore again, is, if you enjoy a good cup of coffee and are an early riser...get up, have your clothes ready the night before and go get a warm croissant, bring a book and enjoy a latte. Eventually, you end up running into people who enjoy the same things and from there anything can happen

Great tips, Elleise!

I think sometimes it's a lot harder a thing to do....

I mean sometimes it can feel you're not even from this planet let alone trying to find a communing individual.

It feels though, the more open you are...the more inspirational you are to just going where your Soul says it wants to go...if it's a lake, library, coffee shop, just a bench that feels appealing or walking a dog.

Those are the things that seem to play like a violin and bring like minded harmonies together

Elleise.....I went through a very painful divorce and then the devastating loss of my intimate partner two years later. Your ideas are very helpful, as I am almost ready to seek out another soul to love. I do feel like "who is really going to understand me?" I do wonder how I am ever going to find someone of like mind, at least similar enough to make a good connection. I have changed so much as a result of my losses. Sometimes the thought of starting over again is quite scary, but if I don't risk anything I won't find that joy I seek. Thank you for your suggestions.

For some reason, I could have sworn I read the word, "Inmate."

Like someone with a past...but don't we all

o.k. my cat is laying across the keyboards. Think she's trying to tell me something, lol.

Debbie,

I'll try to find your forum, k?

But I wanted to share this before my cat starts knawing at the cord

In the middle of an open farm-land, neareast neighbor 1.5 miles away, to make ends meet, I worked for what's called here, a CILLA. Youre a home-room RA/RN, basically.

In addition to that, I had a Bed and Breakfast. So, I'd cook/clean/provide meals for whatever a person could do.

Anyway, one of the boarders recommended me and I had insomnia anyway so was up all hours.

But they had odd hours too, being a truck driver cross-country.

Anyway, I pretty much was always standing in the kitchen whenever anyone came in for their room.

But, after a weary cross-country 2-3 week drive, this person either went right up stairs and fell standing up, asleep, clothes on face down like an upsidedown "L" (and I'd lift his legs up onto the bed) or he had that second wind and we'd talk.

He ended up asking me to marry him 3 yrs. straight. We've been together for 7 now, total.

Like the movie, "It Can Happen To You" it can! ((hugs))

Thank you, Elleise. I have hope and faith that I am deserving, and it will happen again for me.

It can't BUT happen.

But I know what you mean. It's one thing to hear people say, "Oh, you'll find someone else...love, etc." They mean well.

But I remember when I was going through my own way back when) I felt counting tiles on the ceiling made more sense than expecting the impossible."

Memory? Anything emotional...I can remember like a picture-slide.

But w/you - it really feels like there's a layer of something. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it could even be a "chord" of some type - but remember the Jungle Book?

It's like if you'll just swing from one vine to the next - the unexpecteds...things seem to fall in line.

P.S. I also meant to tell you, w/me, back then - if I heard one more person tell me they were sorry? I'd just start aimlessly walking across a cornfield and never come back, lol.

I hear you, Elleise.

Seems that for most of my adult life I have had to contend with a lot of "unexpecteds". My last love was unexpected and it happened by slim chance. His kindess and attention was a salve on my raw, bleeding heart. It was so unexpected at a time when I was about ready for the looney bin, due to the unexpected loss of my marriage. Losing my last love when I did was unexpected too, not to mention that the degree of my spiritual growth since his passing has been quite unexpected.

I think you are right. If I just get from one point to the next, I will again find that unexpected gift of love.

Back when I was able to drive -

I have like a vertigo thing going on/like dsylexia on a MT DEW trip, lol.

But anyway, I remember the emotions. I left EVERYTHING behind. Mine was a domestically challenging situation. But some days, I was like, you know?

Take one step, even when you don't want to and I mean out of the house onto the porch or whatever, before he came home. It was fresh air and changed, at least for me, my world for that moment.


From there, I'd take a few more (we had 2 cars) and from there, would be inspired.

So...I'd go back in, knew when he'd be home and washed my face, put on a T-shirt an Jeans and roll the windows down and it was like having wings.

Those drives and that type of inspiration, got me to a point where I had a B & B or Boarding, country house....

That's where I met my husband, now ((hugs))

One thing leads to another, until what is meant to be will actually occur. That is a good story on how you met your husband, Elleise.

I believe that whole-heartedly!

I think even the bad stuff, like the really bad stuff can turn our lives in another direction sort of like a bridge to a place and/or people we never knew existed.

With love, though, there's this bounce. It's not like OMG he's soOooo cute. Though, those are fun too, but it's like a resilience. It knows or the people have this connection.

They know it won't always be like a wedding day, but even in the bad and/or boring times, they're the one they want to wake up next to on the other side of everything...like cycles of life

So true, Elleise. So true.

I've been thinking a lot about this question lately. I'm not certain why exactly, but maybe for the fact so many people have been or are currently going through it...

I know there are many good books out there on the topic that are especially helpful if you happen to be at a particular cross-road perhaps, wanting some perspective.

But sometimes, you just want a quick answer; a beginning, when you're ready to find the (type of) love you're looking for.

There are so many varieties. As many as there are personalities! And even then, with layers, much like an onion.

When you're ready for True-love, the type that has the greatest potential for lasting (as long as the willingness of both partners have of making it that way) the best place to begin finding that type, is:

"Make peace with yourself," first!

This, as a "Sensitive," is what I find, especially when it comes to a long-lasting partnership, withstanding the ups and downs life can throw our way.

From there, let nature take it's course and let go!

Destiny, synchronistic events, timing, etc., and likely when you least expect it, well...there's nothing standing in it's way, when you take this course of action.

Before you know it, you're seated on a train, waiting in line for coffee or trip and fall, feeling like a complete idiot, and the moment you look up?

There it is!

Makes sense, Elleise.