BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Going on Year Two - Loss of Intimate Partner

I lost my boyfriend over a year ago now and it is still very hard. I know if I met someone new who was loving I could move on and be happy again, but sometimes the sadness is still so strong that I think I am just not ready yet, even if I was so lucky to have the opportunity present itself. I believe that everything happens as it should, and grieving is personal and unique to each person, but at this time it is still very tough to be without the kind and gentle soul that was my boyfriend. I miss him so much every single day.

Sometimes, I wonder how my heart can keep on beating after suffering the damage and the pain of loss...

I am sorry that you feel loss and pain. No one knows true pain until she has gone through loss.

I hear hope in your words, though, Debbie. Your boyfriend will help you move on from the other side. He wants you to be happy again. I feel that.

But be gentle and patient with yourself. A year is not a long time.

Thank you, Lori.

I try to be gentle and patient with myself, but there are times when I feel like I will go crazy because I am so lonely. Sure I have pets, family, friends, co-workers, interests, and of course God, but I am in need of physical touch from a partner. My boyfriend awakened me to the importance of touch that I had been missing in my prior marriage. He and I were very tactile out of necessity, because he had pain in his neck and back on a daily basis. He enjoyed my massages and often gave them right back to me. Then of course there is intimate touch and gestures of affection between couples. I so miss all of that. He truly made me happy every day. Since he passed on my emotions went flat. I hardly feel anything except love for him and missing him.

I do have hope. I thought I would never want to love again because of the pain I have suffered time and time again, but I have changed my mind. I have asked God for help, and I've also asked my boyfriend to please find me another kind soul to love. This new man will never replace my very sweet and unique boyfriend, but I am confident that there is another man out there who is gentle and giving, and in need of a loving partner. I know for a fact that my boyfriend is indeed looking out for me and has someone else in mind for me. He has been "interviewing" other men, so to speak. I went to a clairvoyant/medium recently and my boyfriend came through strongly in the session and revealed this information (I will write about this experience soon on my forum).

I am excited and hopeful, even with the grief I am still working through. But I am hesitant even though I want to love and be loved again. I look at guys sometimes, sense their energy, and I am afraid. I don't know why. Afraid to get to know them, and afraid to get hurt again maybe. This is the most strenuous and emotional period of my life, a time of immense personal growth and understanding while dealing with a very painful event. It is not easy, but I hope something better will come out on the other side of this.

I know my boyfriend wants me to be happy. He wanted that for me while he was alive in the physical realm, and I know he still feels the same.

Debbie,

I agree with you saying that everyone grieves differently. I lost my mother over 6 years ago and I don't feel any better today than I did back then. Time just makes it easier to deal with for me. I am hopeful for myself because of the hope that you have.

Maria.....I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

My mother is still alive and I don't know how I will ever get through losing her when the time comes. We are very close. God only knows....

We all do grieve in our own way and in our own time. I have been told by a few people that I need to move on and let my boyfriend go. These people may mean well, but truly they are ignorant. It is MY grief, and MY processing of that grief. It is something I own, and I need to deal with it in ways that help me to heal. I have a right to my grief and whatever time it takes me to get through the pain of losing a man I dearly loved. Nobody has a right to tell me how to deal with any of this.

I don't think we ever do really "move on" from losing someone we deeply love. We only find ways to "go on". That is truly all any of us can do. I have lost my father, grandparents, an aunt, and an uncle. For some of these losses I was very sad at the time, but I got through it and I don't hurt anymore. This loss of my boyfriend has been the most devastating to me because he knew me in very personal ways and I will always miss him for the wonderful man he was, no matter who else may come into my future. I know this loss will be felt for the rest of my life, even if I find happiness with another man. Each human being is special, and my boyfriend made an impact on me that will be felt forever.

Maria.....I hope some day you can feel some peace in regards to your loss. I know that life goes on for the spirit after the physical body perishes. Our loved ones still maintain a connection with us, and I am sure your mother is close to you even if you don't realize it. I believe she is very happy and surrounded by light and love. She certainly feels all the love you have for her.

Thank you for sharing.

Dear Debbie, Life can be so unfair and I understand that you're still grieving. It's only normal. I am still very angry and sad over the unexpected death of my ex husband last June. I'll never "get over it". I recommend that you really appreciate the ones you love who are still here, that's what I do. It has really helped me!

Okay, I get it now! I just wanted to say that when my ex husband died last June, I was devastated. He died very young and unexpectedly. I still loved him so much, even though I had ended our 23 year marriage 4 years previously. I always thought he'd still be in my life, as a friend who knew me better than any body, and as the father of our 2 grown children. Upon his death, I was not WELCOME at his funeral by HIS family, even though I paid for it and made all the arrangements. It was such an awful, awkward situation. If it wasn't for all the loving support from my dear friends, I would have ended up in the psyche hospital. Unbeknownst to me at this time, he had left me all his benefits-the whole nine yards. My darling children and his family went mental when they learned this, and made me feel worse than I already did. I was hounded until I gave a substantial amount to both children. I was so horribly shocked at their attitude toward me. They absolutely destroyed me emotionally. I no longer communicate with them and consider myself childless. I know their father would have been appalled. Has any one else ever experienced a situation like this?

Bringmeredwine -- no wonder you call yourself Bring Me Red Wine! :-) It's terrible how money affects families, how greed and pain can tear us apart.

I'm sorry I haven't experienced this situation. I was drawn to this thread by Debbie, because I facilitate support groups for people coping with loss. I think support groups are the best way to get support and understanding from people who have experienced the same things. Of course, I know it's not easy to find a support group that focuses on grief or family breakups -- which is why online forums are so helpful!

I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you, and I'm sorry for your losses.

Laurie-Thank you for acknowledging my post. Here is my quandary; there are no support groups for people who have separated themselves from their (adult) children. Society demands that we never give up on our children, or admit that we regret having them. I've read recent articles from a woman in England who published her regrets about having her 2 young children, but they were innocent little beings, not grown-ups who'd purposefully hurt her. I used to love my children with all my heart and would take a bullet for them; happily did anything to keep them safe, happy and healthy. This grief over their loss is all encompassing, but less painful than having them in my life again.

bringmeredwine and Laurie.....thank you for your condolences. It has been a hard road but with every day I am healing. And yes, it is hard to find support groups. Even the churches have groups, but they are for widows and widowers. My boyfriend and I obviously were not married.

bringmeredwine.....I am truly sorry for your loss. It matters not that you were no longer married to the man. You still loved him. My mother went through a bit of the same thing when my mentally ill father passed away years ago. My mother had to divorce him for her own safety, but when it was time for the funeral, some of his family was not entirely happy that my mother was there for us kids. We were all young adults but we wanted our mother there for support, and thankfully it was our decision to make, being the next of kin.

I do know that families can be greedy and cruel. I also know of more than one woman who has been hurt by her children, and the women pretty much regret having had them at all. I am sorry you were treated so poorly by your ex's family and also your own children. People allow money to make them mean.

I think you acted out of love and that is a beautiful thing. I hope you can find some peace and joy in your life.

I'm sorry, bringmeredwine. I just saw your post now. How horrible this must be for you. I suppose those people felt the way they did because you were divorced from him. But that is no excuse for their rotten behavior. A funeral is the place where all who loved the deceased should be welcomes. A divorce doesn't always mean the end of love. Your paying and arranging for the funeral is proof.

As for the children, they might have felt that their father simply forgot to update his will and would not have given his ex an inheritance. That might have been the case since he had children and it doesn't seem reasonable that he would have left them out of his will. You did the right thing by sharing the inheritance.

Your children should be ashamed however because divorced or not from their father, you are their mother. They should be glad you were taken care of.

It pains me to see how money frequently changes family relationships. I've seen it in my own family. Sad.

I have been having some real sad moments this week. I enjoyed two weeks away visiting family and I wasn't sad at all, really. Maybe a minute or two here and there but for the most part I felt peaceful. Back home now in the place my boyfriend and I shared has brought the sadness back all over again. The tears have come down with some intensity.

I sometimes want to scream because I am tired of this pain....

I know he is in a good place, that I will see him again, and that our love never dies. I realize that and more, but I am human after all and I am missing him with every fiber of my being.

It does not help that I lost my job and I am worried about getting my bills paid. I don't have much left in my checking account....

I am afraid. Afraid of failing, losing my animals, and being alone through all of this. I feel so alone. I know there are friends and family I can talk to, and I know there is God above to help me. I know there are support systems out there and really I am not alone, but sometimes I just don't want to talk with anyone about any of this. And who really wants to hear about how "down" I am again??? I get tired of even bringing it up to people I know. So essentially I am alone here......

I can be strong and help others when the chips are down, but sometimes I just don't have the strength to help myself. Today I went back and forth between wanting to sleep my entire day away to escape, and feeling like I was going to climb out of my skin. I am tired of always having a hurdle to deal with that almost seems insurmountable. I sometimes feel paralyzed and I can't find a shred of ambition to get myself out of the dark hole.

Being without my boyfriend is very hard because when I have tough issues to deal with it is always nice to get that hug and voice of reason and love telling me that everything is going to work out. I miss having someone who's got my back and offers a gentle touch to soothe frazzled nerves. I miss his laughter and positive attitude that always brought me up out of a slump, because I am notorious for being a thinker, analyzer, and worrier. I miss wrapping my arms around him and feeling him close. His presence always seemed to melt away cold, harsh reality.

I went for weeks unable to reply to any posts until your tech help recommended I use Google Chrome; so here I am again. My heart really went out to Debbie and her terrible loss. I am 51, so if my current partner of 5 years was to die; I wouldn't feel the need to start a new relationship. I would miss him terribly, but I know that a relationship with a man would come in last place. I think I'd sell my house and start a new life, but keep my few friends very close. You're young Debbie, and your loss cuts so much deeper because your life is really just beginning. I was on a grief chat line and the young women were clearly the most devastated. You can talk to me anytime, Sweetie. I know where you're coming from. If my ex husband had died in the early years of our marriage; I would have felt the loss so much harder.

bringmeredwine........thank you for your kind words. I am not all that young though. I was first married at 22 and that marriage lasted two years. Then I remarried at 26 which turned into a 16 yr marriage (19 yrs total with this man). He broke my heart like no other ever will again. Right when the divorce was happening is when I met my sweet boyfriend.

My boyfriend passed away at age 49 in 2012. I am currently almost 46 years old. I still feel that I will fulfill my purpose in life by being with another kind soul to love. I thought my heart could not take another heartbreak, but I will try for one more deep love in my lifetime. I am in no hurry, but if it is meant to be some day I won't pass up the opportunity. I really miss the closeness and companionship of an intimate relationship.

Hello - Losing someone close is so difficult and until you have experienced it, you have no real concept of the depth of grief.

I have just recently become editor here and am still finding my way around a little. I want to tell each of you I understand where you are coming from but I feel I should explain my circumstances a little so it doesn't sound like I am just saying the words (if that makes sense).

My husband of 24 years passed away just over 6 years ago. He had a very short fight with leukemia including 4 lots of chemo and a bone marrow transplant but sadly lost his battle and the life support machines were turned off 5 months after diagnosis. Six months later I lost my mother.

There was a very long time when I wondered if I would ever get past this over whelming grief but gradually I realised that I was a little less sad and debilitated than yesterday, or last week or even last month.

Debbie, you said it is just a year since you lost your boyfriend. I understand that everyone grieves in different ways and times but that is such a short time. Give yourself time, it sounds like so much is happening in your life at once. I know it is very difficult with so much going on but try to take some time. Don't expect too much of yourself, take small steps and acknowledge every single one.

I so understand the missing of the closeness and companionship. Let yourself feel the sadness in those sad moments but perhaps take a small block of each day and choose to be happy. That sounds a little flippant perhaps, or even silly but it really does work and gradually, bit by bit, those moments become less forced and longer. One of the things I did was to scrapbook about our lives together. Of course there were many tears but through those tears there were also many smiles and lots of wonderful memories.

Maria - I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Losing one's parent is so hard and the end of an era. With time the feelings soften but remembering the fun times and the good memories is the best way to honor her memory.

Bringmeredwine - I can only imagine what you are going through, and I am so sorry. It is so sad that families are often the biggest problem when you need support. I am so pleased to hear you had supportive friends. Always remember that you were able to honor him by arranging everything how he would have wanted and that he obviously still acknowledged you in his life. Its sad your children and his family can see that you were still important to him depsite everything.

Its interesting some of you talk about perhaps finding a new partner. I am there right now - not sure if I want to but tired of being alone. I have spent the last couple of years in particular, finding the new version of me and am pretty content.

Hi Shirley,

I am very sorry for the loss of your loved ones. You are right...unless you experience the loss of someone you deeply loved you don't have a real concept of the depth of pain and grief that is to follow.

This month is a year and a half since my boyfriend left the physical world. Sometimes it seems like not much time has passed at all, and sometimes it feels like forever since he stood here laughing with me. Soon after he passed away I went online and researched grief from many sources. I ordered and read books too. I learned how to grieve and I needed that badly. I was thrown off balance and I knew I could not do this alone. I was too young to suffer a loss such as this, so I thought.

I did learn to be good to myself and allow myself all the time I need to grieve. I do let myself feel the pain when it comes, but it is not as often as it used to be. I have been trying to move myself forward by getting back to interests I once had. I want to be strong and at peace so that I can welcome a new love some day. As hurt as I have been, I know I am the happiest when I am with an intimate partner. I will persue that avenue in due time. I feel like I am turning a corner and wanting to be out in the world again, so to speak.

The last 5 years for me has been one thing after another. Job losses, divorce from a man I considered to be my soulmate, financial ruin, almost losing my horses to a maniac I paid to care for them and who held them hostage, and losing my boyfriend after having him in my life for only two short years. Only 8 months into our relationship he had his first heart attack. Nothing was ever the same after that even though we loved each other. During most of our time together he was not well.

I sometimes feel that I can barely get through one traumatic event when another one comes to pass. I have been worn down and worn out by life. Right now I am not working but I do have unemployment pay which is alleviating some stress right now even if it is not much money. I am taking time for myself to not only look for work but to really care for myself. I am trying to get the strong woman back I used to be years ago, before my heart was broken into a million pieces more than once.

I have a journal I dedicate just to my boyfriend. It has helped me immensely. I have filled one journal and went on to a second. I talk with him there and remember things. It has been one way to connect with him and to deal with all the feelings that come with such a loss.

I am feeling better with time. I feel that I still have a ways to go and I don't believe in rushing my grief along. It is running its course which is very important. I understand it and accept it for what it is. So many people hide from their pain, but I educated myself early on in this process, and I know that in order to properly heal and move on you just have to go through it. There is no other way.

I still take life one day at a time, and I am making every effort to find moments of happiness along the way. My emotions and feelings went flat last year, and I am just now starting to engage myself so that I can begin to feel things again. I am a work in progress but I am determined to be able to feel joy again. Like my sweetheart would say....baby steps.....

I am so grateful for this forum! So its been 6 years, eh Shirley. Hard to believe that time keeps marching on. You're doing a really good thing by reaching out to people like me and its so appreciated. My former husband died a year ago on June 17th. As the anniversary approaches I think of him more and more. I have a wonderful man in my life, but dare not mention my grief to him very often. He gets the impression I wasn't "over" my husband-but I was. It's just that we were still connected in so many ways, and we'd reached the point where we were comfortable and able to joke around again. Anyway, I am very lucky to still have a wonderful partner in my life, but I still miss my ex so much. Keep on posting, you too Debbie. I really enjoy hearing from the two of you.

Thank you, bringmeredwine. I will of course keep in touch.

You are lucky to have a new love in your life. There truly is nothing like it when you have a devoted partner. As for your ex-husband, it is obvious that you still cared about him very much even though you two were living separate lives. He will always have a special place in your heart, a place just for him. And your current partner will have a special place within you that only he occupies. It is amazing that as human beings we have a great capacity for love.

Hi again, Debbie, Yes, I am so lucky to be in another close relationship. I met Him online, he lived 3 blocks away! People were scandalized because we became a couple very shortly after my husband and I broke up. I was only looking for some excitement in my life-definitely NOT a serious relationship. It's been 5 years now, but I don't want to get married again; I'm content to live in sin! It makes me feel young again.

Bringmeredwiine - I agree you are lucky to have someone special in your life. It is only now that I am beginning to feel ready for this to happen but at this point I think I am more interested in someone to do things with - movies, dinner etc - than to find a new love. I guess only time will tell.

Debbie - you are so right - baby steps. It took me a long time to realise that the only schedule I should be on was my own. This is part of the reason I wanted to do this - to help other people realise there is no right or wrong way to grieve and no time that is the 'correct' time for anything.

Writing has really helped me as well - I am actually writing a book about my journey from when my husband was diagnosed with leukemia. It has helped so much to put it all into words and my hope is one day to get it published and maybe help someone else.

My apologies by the way for my absence - life just gets in the way sometimes

I still have tough moments sometimes during my days, but my days overall are getting better with time.

Update......the second year anniversary has now come and gone. The healing for me does continue on. Thanks to some dear spiritual friends, my faith and belief system, and constant work on myself, I am doing a lot better. I have more times when I can laugh, when I feel peace, and when I have hope. Yet there are times when I still shed tears and the pain still cuts me like a knife when I remember the good times we shared and even the times when he suffered.

I am realizing that when you lose someone dear to you, the feeling of loss never does completely go away. You just learn to live with it and you do the best you can to keep moving forward, one day at a time.

Bringmeredwine,

You feel so familiar, so close. It's an odd sensation, really. I've not experienced anything quite like it. Best I can describe is almost like an umbilical chord, but heavy like a lead weight...eh, sometimes these things take time, lol.

I'm curious why the family (yes, I get the $ issue. It's everywhere and from a different perspective can have such an entirely different meaning, etc. hard to explain, here anyway) made such an issue however? How painful that must have been if it wasn't expected?

Hostilities seem to originate from somewhere and as you've met someone online that's supportive, that's a blessing in itself.

Is the family still accusatory of something? I don't know, like "The Black Widow" syndrome or are things finally resting in peace?

It's hard to imagine family acting in such a way.